My Name Is Legion
by Manchester
Summary: Following the Halloween night events, Ethan Rayne might have the last laugh after all, when a young man unthinkingly opens one of the discarded storage boxes piled high in the alley behind a former costume store.
1. A Chip Off The Old Blok

Nomen mihi Legio est, quia multi sumus: "My name is Legion, for we are many."

Mark 5:9

* * *

The approaching man's voice was loud enough to easily carry through the closed main door of the Sunnydale High library, all while perfectly expressing someone's very familiar annoyance to those inside: "-and exactly what part of my instructions regarding 'DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING!' did you fail to comprehend?"

Sitting next to each other at the central table in the school library the day after Halloween, Buffy Summers and Willow Rosenberg traded puzzled looks over hearing that mystifying declaration. The teenage girls' attention was promptly brought back to the room's door when this portal was yanked open and Rupert Giles then irritably stalked through the entryway, heading straight towards his desk. Taking his seat there, the Briton then began to moodily polish his glasses, ignoring everything else in the library. That especially included his Slayer and her red-haired friend staring with utter bewilderment at the peevish older man.

As the library door began to swing shut, an equally grouchy Xander Harris shouldered it back open during his own entrance afterwards, all while glowering across the room at where Giles was sending a truly irascible glare in return towards that idiotic boy. As a sullen Xander joined the confused females at the library table, this young man huffily deposited his newspaper-wrapped burden atop this piece of furniture. That circular object covered by several sheets of the previous day's Sunnydale Times was about the size and shape of a large cooking pan.

Willow and Buffy both gawked in mutual astonishment at the mysterious item now being displayed before themselves on the table. During this, Xander dropped into the chair next to the girls, folded his arms across his chest, and he then fixed a very hard gaze upon Giles that was more than matched in turn, with neither of these males looking away, stirring the slightest, or saying a single word at all for the next minute or so.

As might be expected, it was Willow who broke first under the growing strain in the room, nervously babbling to nobody in particular her panicked question, "Uh, guys, did something kinda go wrong at the costume store when you tried to find out where Giles' friend went?"

Still giving Xander an icy stare, Giles managed to produce an unique growling exhalation, consisting of vexed weariness that soon turned into an actual snarl of pure displeasure: "Oh, yes, indeed, you could say that!"

Buffy and Willow blinked at hearing that, not to mention how the Englishman went on to explain in a supremely aggravated tone, "Once we got inside the place and saw how it was completely stripped bare, proving that Ethan managed to bugger off with everything after I left him there last night, it took just two bloody seconds for Xander to come up with his bright idea to check out the dustbins in the back alley. Without even bothering to tell me about this!"

"Hey, you seemed to be busy enough, what with you down on your hands and knees on the shop floor, doing a really great imitation of a bloodhound sniffing every inch of the ground!" an indignant Xander snapped back, obviously continuing an earlier squabble between the two Scooby Gang members.

As if observing a hard-fought tennis match, both Willow and Buffy simultaneously turned their heads in Giles' direction, just in time to witness this librarian's gritted rejoinder, "You know quite well I was searching for any trace of that bloody Janus statuette! And I had to crawl all the way to the back door before I found the merest sliver of rock that Ethan either overlooked or lost when he gathered up all the rest of what remained of the Chaos magic in the place!"

A look of immense frustration intermixed with deep displeasure now flashed across Giles' features, as he scowlingly regarded that offended lad sitting in his library chair over there, who was clearly resenting every bit of scolding coming from the older man.

*Well, sod him.*

In truth, Rupert Giles was mainly more furious at a now-vanished Ethan Rayne rather than Xander Harris, but if a brassed-off Ripper couldn't get his hands upon his former friend again in order to give him another thorough thumping, the Watcher was perfectly willing to direct his ire towards the next available target. Besides, it wasn't like that little wanker sulking in his seat was totally innocent at everything concerning the latest cock-up that had happened right after Giles made his elated discovery.

In his coldest possible tone, Giles informed a fascinated pair of young ladies, "All it took was a single bloody second for it all to turn into a complete fiasco, when Mr. Harris there kicked open the back door, which at that point nearly took off my head! But that wasn't the worse part. Oh, no. When your maladroit comrade came into the shop from the alley, he managed to unerringly trample right onto the last remaining fragment of the Janus bust, grinding it into dust and rendering that priceless fragment absolutely worthless!"

Appalled, both Buffy and Willow turned their heads to stare at their fellow Scooby Gang member, who himself refused to meet their eyes. Instead, Xander just looked off into the distance while his lower lip protruded in a genuinely miffed pout at being blamed over something that was in no way his fault! How was he to know that G-man had been there behind the door, anyway? Or that he really should've watched his step when barging into the shop to show that big English jerk what had been found inside one of the mostly-empty cardboard boxes scattered throughout the alley?

All of these arguments mentally occurring to Xander then caused that resentful teenage boy to open his mouth, but what he now said had to do with entirely something else that had just suddenly come to mind, "Look, Giles, I already apologized a couple hundred times about all of it, on our way back here! Besides, you've gotta admit, there's also the point things might've still turned out great for us over what happened right next after that!"

There was a short pause in the room after Xander's incensed defense of his actions. Willow and Buffy glanced at each other, both worriedly sensing that even if they had no idea what exactly was going on, things were nevertheless coming to a head. Particularly after once more turning their attention back to where Giles was currently brooding at his desk, with this mature man's face utterly deadpan and his eyes disturbingly flat. In his tone of vicious politeness, the Watcher now malevolently purred, "Well, Xander, in that case, why don't you show your friends what you can do now? Go on, impress us all."

Baffled, the girls watched how Xander's own features abruptly changed into absolute chagrin. All the same, this young man reluctantly got to his feet out of his chair, and Xander then took a few steps away from the library table, stopping in his tracks at the middle of the room as he turned to face them all. However, before anything could next happen, Giles coldly informed Xander, "_Not_ there! I don't want the floor collapsing under you. Stand against the far wall, if you please."

Morosely slouching over to the point in the room where he'd been inexplicably directed, Xander glowered back at those who were watching him, which presently consisted of a very cantankerous Giles and an utterly bewildered Buffy and Willow. Giving a grumpy shrug of his shoulders, Xander closed his eyes, and he allowed a look of intense concentration to cross his face. In the very next instant, a shimmer of white light appeared over the entire body of the teenage boy with his back to the wall, and right after that, Xander Harris transformed into someone - or _something_ - else.

What now stood in the library, the floorboards creaking under its substantial weight, was a massive statue of dark grey rock shaped into a lumpy, man-like form with a squat head having blank-white eyes that was resting atop a gigantic torso possessing immensely muscular limbs. This stone figure was also clad in a bizarre costume consisting of blue and yellow swimming trunks, enormous blue shoulder pads connected by a yellow collar, yellow wristbands, and short blue boots.

After silently gaping in sheer shock for several moments at this truly unexpected event where their friend had altered into that piece of sculpture, Buffy and Willow dazedly heard from Giles, who'd left his desk to come over to join them at the table. Reaching out to tear off the newspapers covering the mysterious object brought into the room by Xander, Giles wearily explained to the overcome girls watching him, "When Xander stepped onto and ruined the Janus statuette fragment in the shop, that same flash of light you just saw also appeared then over that boy - along with what he was carrying in his arms too. Which was _this._"

At those last words, the last sheets of newsprint finally came off, to reveal a very odd item. A round wooden platform had attached onto this over two dozen small dolls or figurines standing on their feet atop the dais, with all of these statuettes of young men and women dressed in gaudy costumes and attire that in some cases matched equally colorful skin tints and body shapes. Despite most of these little mannikins being only a few inches high, they were all done in scrupulous detail. The gazes of Willow and Buffy followed Giles' pointing finger to a specific carving that was a bit bigger than the others - and which also perfectly matched the huge statue presently occupying its position over there in the library. With growing excitement, the girls heard from a glum Briton, "As Xander told me after he changed back, this being is a comic-book character named Blocks or something like that, possessing extreme durability and incredible strength far beyond that of a Slayer."

In a tone of awe-struck wonder, Buffy exclaimed, "Wow, Giles, Xander got something even better than what he had last night, that soldier guy!" Turning her head to beam at the motionless rock thing that every vamp in Sunnydale would shatter their fangs upon during their vain attempts to bite him, the young warrior woman enthusiastically added, "Say, Xander, now that you can't get hurt anymore, you can be a real help to me out on patrol!"

"Yeah, Xan!" delightedly confirmed an equally happy Willow, knowing that her yellow-crayon friend had always wanted to be a real superhero. Both of the girls eagerly waited for their fellow Scooby Gang member to answer them back.

The big stone statue over there remained totally immobile, not making the slightest sound. After a few seconds of this, a suddenly-worried Buffy asked, "Giles…?"

Rubbing his temples in an useless attempt to alleviate his pounding headache, Rupert Giles sighed, and then he dolefully enlightened the concerned girls staring at him. "Ladies, the whole point of Chaos magic is that you can't ever be sure of exactly what will take place. Not to mention, as we've seen before, Xander's own rather unique reactions during those previous times when he had other magic spells and enchantments laid upon him. In short, things didn't precisely work out as that young man hoped."

Rolling his eyes in total exasperation at remembering the lengthy rant Xander Harris had delivered all the way to the school over "It's butt-monkey time again, goddamn it!", Giles resignedly finished his explanation to an astonished Buffy and Willow. "Yes, Xander is indeed in there, that being," as the Englishman vaguely waved a hand towards the stock-still statue, "but, unfortunately, his body is so heavy and dense that he can't move a single muscle of his new form, not even to open his mouth or do anything else, except to eventually change back. Frankly, I fear that today's events turned out to be totally useless."

Pausing to allow the two girls to look once again at their friend, this time in real pity, Giles allowed himself a rare few moments of malicious revenge, as in an offhand tone of payback over a detested nickname, the man muttered seemingly to thin air, "Of course, there's always the possibility that Mr. Harris could do his latest trick one more time. Which, after effortlessly persuading every one of our demonic foes to stand next to his changed body, we then use a construction crane to tip him over onto them all, where they'll be instantly crushed to death. It'd be a real triumph, I'm sure, just the thing to tell the Council, describing the way a member of the Legion of Super-Heroes helped us to achieve our final victory, no matter how absurd it'll be."


	2. Just What Us Guys Always Suspected

It was a quiet morning among the Scooby Gang at the Sunnydale High library, several weeks after Halloween and that holiday's rather strange events. Willow was doing an inventory check, making sure that the occult books were filed back in their proper order after today's latest round of research on Hellmouth demons. Trailing along after the red-haired girl, Xander was patiently waiting for any request from his bestest bud to reach with his greater height for any tome resting upon the upper shelves. As for the other two people in the room, Buffy and Cordelia were seated together at the main library table, amiably squabbling over the differing merits of their latest fingernail polish. Giles was presently away from the library, taking a quick break from his duties in order to pick up an important package at the city post office from the Watchers' Council in London.

Finishing off their engrossed debate involving Passion Pink and Coral Cinnamon, the seated girls glanced up, to then see Xander and Willow seemingly finished at their task and approaching the table. Xander was striding ahead, with Willow a few steps behind him while cradling in her arms a thick and weighty volume devoted to subterranean demons. Just as the teenage boy stopped by the table, Xander opened his mouth, about to cheerfully suggest they all head for the cafeteria early in the hope of beating the lunch rush.

In the next instant, a shimmer of white light formed over the entire body of the male high-school student, only to instantly disappear as fast as it had come to be in the first place. However, this totally unexpected event had left behind something in the library that was utterly changed from what had been by the main table just a moment before.

Instead of the normal, dark-haired young man having the full (and deeply resented) name of Alexander LaVelle Harris that had been wearing his normal outfit of a Hawaiian shirt, worn jeans and old sneakers, there now stood in the room a completely unknown blonde girl, perhaps a year or so older than Xander. This stranger was presently dressed in a really bizarre futuristic outfit having a sleek luster that covered all of the closely-fitting, one-piece costume in mainly deep red and pure white colors, with a short skirt in solid red. On the wide white stripe running vertically down her torso, the girl's attire had a design there upon her chest of a golden ringed globe.

The look of sheer astonishment now upon the stranger's face matched the expressions of the other three immobile girls, as they all gawked at the unfamiliar person among themselves, who'd seemingly appeared out of thin air while taking Xander's place. Even Buffy, with her superhuman Slayer reflexes, sat frozen in her chair, since this was something really new for her, and maybe the standard 'stake and hew' reaction against the usual creatures of Hellmouth badness wouldn't exactly be the right thing to do at this time.

So, as they remained in their petrified postures, Buffy, Cordelia, and Willow continued to disbelievingly watch the other girl in their midst. That stranger also continued to stand there in absolute shock, with her only motions being a panicky twisting of her head as she first wildly stared around the room, to then abruptly lower her gaze to look down the full length of her trim, feminine body.

For some reason, seeing this caused the girl to start stuttering, in a tone of growing hysteria, "What…what the hell-"

That was as far as things got, when something again took place for the other three girls, without any warning at all. Simultaneously, Willow, Cordelia, and Buffy felt what could only be described as insubstantial and yet icy-cold mental skewers sinking deeply into their brains. Yelping in shared fright and distress, the two young women having the nicknames of Queen C and the Slayer abruptly clutched at their heads in the vain hope of stopping whatever had just intruded into their consciousness.

As for Willow, that highly-intelligent Jewish girl had also whimpered in terror at what was inexplicably occurring inside her head, but she'd also immediately realized that this mysterious event just _had_ to have something to do with the strange girl newly in their vicinity…and she was standing right behind that outsider, with a good heavy book in her hands.

_WHAP!_

Buffy and Cordelia slumped back in their chairs with sighs of total relief, as whatever had been stabbing into their minds now vanished, without leaving behind any trace of its existence. At the same time, the soft thud of something hitting the ground then drew the attention of the seated girls, with these young ladies looking over at where their uninvited guest was now sprawled face-down on the library floor. Her limbs were feebly moving as that stunned stranger remained in her present daze caused by a quick-thinking Willow.

Hardly believing it, Cordelia and Buffy wonderingly lifted their gazes to witness beyond the library table the third member of their company swaying on her feet, as that redhead thankfully brought down the heavy book held at head level before herself, where she'd just clobbered from behind that person messing with their minds. Everyone then hastily looked back at the body of the prone girl, as yet another shimmer of white light flashed over her body and just as quickly disappeared, revealing the back of a young man mumbling into the floor linoleum, "-lunch? _WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON?_ Did I trip and fall flat on my face?"

In a blur of motion, Buffy shot out of her seat, heading right to where Xander was lying. Before the boy could even start getting up, he was effortlessly yanked off the floor, with the Slayer then snarled right into the shocked face of her friend that she was holding up in a vicious grip by his Hawaiian shirt collar, "Start talking, Xan! You better come up with something really good to explain how you turned into that girl just a second ago!"

His eyes opened as wide as saucers, as Xander hung in Buffy's relentless clutch. Knowing it was utterly futile to struggle, the teenager still managed to protest, "I don't know what you're talking about! Nothing happened! I was right there at the table, and then I was on the floor! Hey, why do I feel like I just fielded a wicked baseball line-drive with the back of my head?"

Willow turned bright red and the blushing girl then hastily hid her book behind herself, while Cordelia contributed her own comment in a tone of absolute suspicion, "Don't give us that, Harris! You better come clean about your latest bout of weirdness, changing without warning into someone with far better fashion sense than you!"

Gingerly touching the point at the rear of his skull where he could already feel a big lump forming there under his hair, Xander forgot himself enough to grit out, "How many times do I have to say it? I - Don't - Remember - Anything! Now, will you please let go and tell me what happened, Buffy?"

Reluctantly loosening her grip, Buffy went on to describe every detail of the odd events that had just occurred in the room a mere minute ago, helped along the way by Willow and Cordelia adding their own observations. After this, the three girls stared at the young man continuing to rub the back of his head as Xander frowned to himself in evident thought. Beginning to mumble to himself, the young man was then overhead by Buffy, Willow, and Cordelia, "…that costume sounds familiar and so does she- Aw, no!"

Starting to get really worried now, the female trio watched in mild shock while Xander spun around after interrupting his musings with that pained groan. The girls then saw their friend dash across the library into the supply room at the back, leaving a last doleful comment trailing after him in the air, "Just why did G-man have to be right about _this?_"

Exchanging baffled glances with each other, Buffy, Willow, and Cordelia switched their attention back to a returning Xander heading towards their table while carrying something that the latter two girls soon recognized. Dumping upon the top of the library table a small wooden platform with numerous small statuettes attached to this, Xander pointed a shaking index finger at one specific figurine, while also anxiously asking, "Was that the girl who showed up?"

Following where Xander was indicating, the female trio saw the diminutive sculpture standing on the platform perfectly matched both in dress and features the person who'd changed places with their friend mere moments ago. Cordelia was the first to exclaim, "Yeah, but who the hell is she, and what's going on? How come you've got that little doll of her and the rest of them, anyway? Do you have some completely disgusting secret of yours, Harris, that I don't really want to know?"

Over the sudden giggles of Buffy and Willow, Xander sent Cordelia his dirtiest look, before resignedly sighing, and going on to explain about an certain investigation of a British mage's costume shop after Halloween. Cordelia listened in astonishment about how Xander had become further affected by the accidental exposure to Ethan Rayne's Chaos magic when he'd been carrying that discarded prop consisting of the entire membership of the Legion of Super-Heroes from the DC Comics line. In the middle of Xander's boring recitation of the complete roster for that 30th-century group, an intent Cordelia then instead imperiously demanded something far more important, "Are you saying that you can change into all of those guys now?"

Hearing from doofus there a glum "Nope, not the way you think," Queen C looked around at the others, to see Buffy and Willow, who'd already known all this, solemnly nodding in agreement. Turning back to listen to the rest of Xander's confession, Cordelia learned, "From what Giles came up with, I ido/i have a little bit of the Chaos magic in me now, and it's somehow linked to those statuettes. But nothing's happened so far ever since I changed the first time into Blok, there." Xander once more pointed at a certain male figurine larger than the others and having a rocky exterior.

Going on, Xander disconsolately said, "I've never been able to change into him again, no matter how hard I tried. I couldn't change into the others either, even though I really wanted to. I mean, do you know how easy it'd be to clean up Sunnydale if Superboy or Mon-El was around?"

Ignoring those unfamiliar names, Cordelia protested, "But you _did_ change into, uh, what did you call her?"

"Saturn Girl," absently identified Xander, who then confessed to the boggled trio, "That's the main point which Giles figured out over the last couple of weeks, which in turn just got demonstrated to you guys. In short, I don't seem to have any control over it at all. It looks to be totally random, with no way of knowing who I could turn into, or when, or how long that'll last. Even the specific powers that the Legion have might be kinda wonky, assuming they'll work here in the first place."

Carefully touching her fingertips against the skin of her forehead, a wincing Buffy remembered just what had unpleasantly happened to her brain a short while back…and that big jerk over there was totally to blame for it! Glaring at her sheepish friend, the Slayer snapped, "So, what were you - her - _doing_ to us anyway?"

"Ah, um," gulped Xander, knowing this was going to be considered wholly his fault, no matter how unfair this was, given that he (or she) couldn't even remember reflexively using their powers. From the evil looks now being sent his way by all three girls, he'd better 'fess up and hope they wouldn't be _too _furious at him. In a terrified squeak, the teenage male admitted, "Telepathy."

Cordelia actually managed to match Buffy's previous speed when the brunette girl burst from her chair to leap directly at Xander's throat. Bending the young man's body backwards over the library table with her hands locked around his windpipe, Cordelia shrieked into Xander's purpling features, "YOU READ MY MIND WITHOUT MY PERMISSION?"

"Urgle…" was the first thing Xander managed to say after a testy Buffy had pried Cordelia's fingers away from their death grip. Getting upright again and swaying on his feet, the young man blinked away a few tears of pain as he hackingly coughed a few times, before defending himself in a rasping voice, "Look, how many times do I have to tell you, I still don't remember anything! And yes, that includes whatever I might have accidentally gotten from your thoughts! From what you told me, I was so freaked out at changing into a girl, I instinctively used Saturn Girl's powers without even meaning to! If it helps any, I'm sorry, OKAY? I'm sorry for doing it, I'm sorry for being dumb enough to get zapped by Chaos magic, I'm sorry for doing nothing wrong but being Xander Harris, I'm sorry for everything else in the whole universe that could possibly be described as my fault! Most of all, I'm sorry for acting like a total idiot towards the three most beautiful, charming, dignified girls in Sunnydale, whose mere presence brightens my life and makes my humble existence complete!"

As he stood there while rubbing the bruises developing around his throat, a desperate Xander watched how Buffy, Willow, and Cordelia silently traded glances in a shared sisterly communion. Finally, Cordelia then graciously informed the anxious teenage boy, "Fine, then. We accept your groveling apology. However, for the rest of the week, you're still going to make up for your misdeeds by being our waiter, starting right now. Head for the cafeteria, and bring back a lunch for each of us!"

With a whooshing sound, Xander promptly disappeared from the library in a streak of pure speed, causing the front door to slam open. As he ran down the school corridor towards the lunchroom, the thankful young man rejoicing over the lightness of his punishment had no inkling of what else was talking place behind him inside the library. With one last glance exchanged among the three girls in this room, the XX female group mind which clandestinely ruled the world was once more satisfied that her secret was completely safe, even after one of those tiresome males who normally paid attention only to their testicles and stomachs had not just accidentally changed into the opposite sex, they'd also acquired the mental powers to discover who was really in charge of humanity's affairs.


	3. Goldfish Don't Bounce

Looking down from hundreds of feet high in the night sky, the plummeting young man saw the bright lights of the carnival below coming inexorably nearer.

This traveling show had mysteriously appeared on the outskirts of Sunnydale several days ago, setting up its game booths, sideshow tents, rides, and other attractions, and the citizens of this small California city had eagerly paid their way onto the grounds to enjoy cotton candy, walk through the Hall of Mirrors, and buy their very own caricature portrait ("Done in two minutes or your money back!"). Of course, being that this was the Hellmouth, every now and then, some carnival visitors had a tendency to overstay at the festivities. Like…forever. In an unmarked grave.

Rumors of this had brought the Scooby Gang in to investigate the place one night shortly before closing time, which resulted in these high-school students learning almost too late they were in deadly peril from the malevolent carnival employees, a good many of which were most decidedly not human. Trying to recover from their various terrifying experiences at the traveling outdoor show, Buffy, Xander, Willow, and Cordelia had scattered and were now desperately trying to find each other while fighting off demonic attackers.

Xander himself had been lurching around in the darkness among the living quarter tents, desperately holding his bulging stomach while trying not to be sick. Sometime during the last couple of hours here, he'd been the target of some kind of spell or enchantment that vastly increased his appetite and subtly urged him to give into gluttony. Not realizing he was acting under somebody's - or something's - influence, Xander had hit the refreshment stands like a tornado, emptying his wallet while shoveling down immense quantities of fried foods. Which he was gonna bring up any second now, if he didn't have a chance to slow down and take a good breath-

As he gaspingly passed by the front door flaps of a tent, a scaled arm shot out from this, to grab the young man by his throat and pulling the teenager off his feet while yanking him inside the tent. Slammed down upon his back, Xander felt a clawed hand let go, as he stared up in horror at the dimly-lit monster smirking evilly down at him. Suddenly feeling a very odd sensation in his stomach, the high-school student then opened his mouth, but instead of puking all over himself, yelling for help, or anything else, Xander now let loose the most enormous belch of his entire life, causing the canvas walls of the tent to instantly bulge outwards.

Actually taking a step back from this mammoth eructation, the demon blinked in shock, only to glare at the insolent human. Rising up its hand possessing razor-sharp fingernails, the demon then savagely drove this deep into the chest of its latest prey, right after a shimmer of white light abruptly appeared over the prone human's body. Now nearly nose-to-nose with its victim, the demon blinked again at seeing an entirely different person lying on the ground, who had the demon's hand and entire forearm buried into his fleshy form, and didn't seem all that concerned about this!

Instead, Xander grinned into the astonished demon's ugly features, and the Sunnydale native made the certain inner body flexing which should have the proper effect… Sure enough, the demon's arm was abruptly expelled out of Xander's chest with such force that this limb smashed into the face of this creature of the night, instantly knocking out cold that demon. Ignoring his now-unconscious foe, Xander rolled over, and with some difficulty, he rose to his feet. Waddling out of the tent, which involved squeezing sideways through the entry flaps, Xander looked down at his new, extremely rotund body that now perfectly matched the form of the most genial member of the Legion of Super-Heroes. A wide grin split the face of Bouncing Boy, as he jovially announced to nobody in particular, "Okay, let's bounce."

A minute later, still descending from his initial bounce that had taken him far up into the night sky, Xander quickly scanned the area below him, and he at once noticed three girls sprinting along the center aisle of the carnival, known as the Midway. All of these young ladies were being pursued by the rest of the demonic cast of this traveling show, and right then and there, Buffy, Willow, and Cordelia found themselves trapped at the far end of the Midway, skidding to a stop in front of a small, rubberized, oddly-shaped structure. Whirling around, the Scooby Gang trio prepared to fight to the last, except at that exact moment, everyone there - both human and demon - froze at hearing from the night sky an exultant whoop from the very bottom of someone's lungs: "YAHOOOOO!"

Xander hit the ground at the other end of the Midway, directly in front of a ring-toss game booth that involved the chance to acquire a prize by tossing one of several wooden rings onto an open-topped goldfish bowl filled with water while having one of these fish placidly swimming around in there. As a result of Xander landing with immense force next to this booth, it obeyed the laws of physics by rebounding a few inches off the ground. However, the laws of comedy then took over, when every single glass bowl on the booth table had their contents shoot straight up, with these perfect globules of water hanging in the air for a moment, and the goldfish inside goggling out at the view.

Right after that, unlike the others further in the back that safely returned into the bowls, the spheres of liquid along the front edge of the table instead fell to the ground, sending both water splashing everywhere and the goldfish smashing into the hard-packed dirt in front of the booth. Those poor little fishies were left gasping for air…until an instant later, these golden piscine creatures revealed their demonic origins by having their eyes turn glowing red and all of them also extruding a set of fanged jaws that any piranha would've envied. Gnashing their teeth as they flopped around, the stranded goldfish were clearly expressing their displeasure about not having the chance of being awarded as prizes to innocent Sunnydale children who had no idea what they were really bringing home.

All this was missed by Xander, who was already having more than enough fun, thank you. The precise moment he'd hit the ground, Bouncing Boy had used his powers of manipulating his expandable form, so that instead of rocketing back upwards, he'd diverted his momentum to start traveling horizontally instead with blinding speed, zooming along a few inches off the ground right up the Midway, and aimed directly at the horrified crowd of demons blocking his way.

About a hundred feet further on, Buffy, Willow, and Cordelia all gawked at seeing some totally tubby stranger heading in their direction while gleefully ricocheting off virtually every single monster in the process, as if imitating a really bizarre game of oversized billiards. From the horrible crunching noises created by every impact as entire skeletons shattered, not to mention seeing limp bodies flying in all directions, none of the demons would ever be getting up again after being walloped by a hurtling guy who had to tip the scales well over three hundred pounds…and who was now in a direct collision course with them!

The three girls simultaneously dove to the ground, at the same time learning the identity of their stout rescuer, as the guy zipping by overhead cheerfully declared, "Just call me Sunnydale Fats, ladies!"

Her chin digging into the dirt ground, Cordelia then disbelievingly looked over her shoulder at seeing that flying guy making a dead-on entrance into the small structure behind them, sailing right through the middle of the open entry space. The leader of Sunnydale High's cheerleader squad then cautiously got back up on her feet, followed by Buffy and Willow, as this Scooby Gang trio now turned around to stare in disbelief at what was presently occurring in the miniature, colorfully-painted building created to look like a rubber castle.

This entire flexible edifice was now shaking and thrashing in all directions, with accompanying panicky shouts coming from inside, an indication that Xander was, shall we say, having a little trouble getting his body back under enough control to stop bouncing. It was at that point when Buffy, Willow, and Cordelia finally read the sign painted along the top of the front entrance to this structure:

KNIGHT BOUNCE HOUSE

The incredulous girls also at last noticed the sounds of cables twanging under immense strain, along with the wrenching noises of the guy-wire posts ripping loose from the ground that formerly anchored down the bounce house. Hastily backing up a few steps, the three dumbfounded young women halted in their tracks, as with an accompanying terrified "WHOAAAAA!" from Xander, the whole rubber structure just freed from its restraints then shot upwards with incredible speed, sailing high into the night skies, until it faded out of sight.

Having each of their heads tilted far back, the Scooby Gag trio continued to gaze fixedly upwards, until Cordelia managed to utter in a very faint voice, "Buffy, _you_ get to be the one to tell Giles all about Xander's latest Chaos magic manifestation from last Halloween. Me, I'm going home, and starting a new diet."

* * *

Author's Note: The title for this story was taken from one of Bart Simpson's blackboard punishments at the beginning of an episode of the Simpsons show. I couldn't resist using it, nor from actually putting that whole absurd situation into this tale. Oh, by the way, the setting of a demonic carnival isn't from the canon BtVS tv series; rather, it's a reworking of the Buffy novel _Carnival of Souls._


	4. A Weighty Matter

Just like every other high school in the country, SHS had its jealously-guarded territories claimed by the various societal groups at that educational facility.

For instance, during free periods, the jocks tended to cluster at the back of the gym. At least, when the cheerleaders weren't bursting into flames during their practice routines inside this building. If that happened, the school athletes then usually drifted outside to head towards the metal bleachers around the football field. There, they'd huddle together for a quick smoke, while also admiringly commenting on how hot the girls had looked dashing towards the gym showers as their skin-tight clothing combusted.

At the same time in their citadel behind the securely-barred doors of the audio-visual room, the geeks and nerds would be gathered there, happily occupied in throwing multiple-sided dice for a never-ending game of Dungeons and Dragons. The clatter of these small objects on the room table would eventually be broken by some dweeb in the room boasting how he'd managed to catch a glimpse of actual panties during one of the cheerleaders' panicked flight, only to be promptly hooted down by the others, who knew quite well none of their number would ever be that lucky.

However, undoubtedly the most exclusive, the most private, the absolute holy of holies of these locations was the gathering place for the Sunnydale High cheerleading squad themselves, which was the girls' restroom at the back of the school. It was implicitly understood and obeyed by every other student (both male and female) at SHS that anyone not a member of this elite group of young women ruled over by Queen C shouldn't even _consider_ daring to stick a cheaply-shod toe over the threshold of this sanctuary. Nobody had ever been brave enough to defy Cordelia Chase regarding this outrageous exhibition of sheer privilege, not even the school staff, given that she was the only child of the richest man in town, besides being an extremely vindictive, albeit truly gorgeous, bitch.

During one particularly boring patrol without coming across any vamps or other demons at all during the whole night, Buffy had broken the monotony by describing to her incredulous companions exactly what the interior of the restroom had looked like, when she'd visited it during the Slayer's short membership on the cheerleading squad. An open-mouthed Willow and Xander heard about marble floors and counters, gold-plated fixtures, silk wallpaper, antique mirrors, and a crystal chandelier. Mind you, that was just for the booths. Outside these, the main room was a _lot_ more impressive.

Skipping over such minor things as a private spa in one corner of the restroom, Buffy confessed to her enthralled audience as they strolled through tonight's graveyard, that in the Los Angeles native's judgment, the strangest thing there in the cheerleaders' haven simply had to be what was placed against the far wall, and the surprising ceremony that came along with the use of this odd piece of machinery. Thankfully, Buffy only had to go through this bizarre ritual just once before leaving the squad and never returning to the restroom, so the Slayer wasn't sure if it was still happening, and she wasn't ever going to ask.

Speaking of that, Buffy also warned a flabbergasted Xander and Willow concerning what Cordelia had icily informed the blonde when the time had come for the formal turning in of her pom-poms: "Summers, we do not talk about the restroom. Ever."

Buffy spent the next minute or so cleaning under her fingernails with Mr. Pointy, patiently waiting for both Willow and Xander to stop laughing while clutching onto a pair of handy gravestones for support.

Still, from then on despite an occasional moment of inner hilarity among the trio concerning this, none of the Scooby Gang particularly thought all that much about a certain female's reign over a sacrosanct location. Not even when Cordelia Chase joined their little group trying to protect Sunnydale from the forces of evil. Nor when this same truly stacked young woman decided Xander Harris' tonsils needed to be thoroughly investigated with her tongue every so often in the supply closet. However, when as might be expected, there came a time when this pair's relationship entered a rather bumpy phase…

Imperiously sweeping down the school corridor, She-Who-Must-Be-Feared (mere obedience was automatically expected; actual terror tasted far sweeter) was trailed along after by her acolytes, all of them dressed in their dazzling finery of individually-fitted cheerleader uniforms unknowingly paid for by dear old Daddy. Trim limbs flashing in their brisk walk, breasts bouncing in Victoria's Secret bras, and sculptured hairstyles held utterly immobile by an application of hair sprays reaching bulletproof levels, the squad headed straight to their safe haven to recover from an exhausting half-hour of standing around the football field to bask in the admiration of the local peasantry.

None of these young ladies even flicked a glance at the figure mopping the other side of the corridor floor as they passed by this bearded man facing away from them in his work clothes draped over wide shoulders, just before entering their sanctum. Of course not! A…a…janitor? Noticing someone actually doing manual labor? Guhhhh-ross!

Xander Harris was _counting_ on that.

Several minutes later, the other members of the cheerleader squad stopped in their usual savaging of the reputations possessed by every other girl in the school, as they fractionally tensed in their positions standing around the restroom. Cordelia Chase had finished retouching her makeup, which meant the next step was about to begin. Turning away from the mirror, Queen C arrogantly regarded something across the room that would tell her precisely what she expected, or it'd turn out for the worse concerning that ornate, wrought-iron, Victorian-era, sidewalk weighing machine.

Nobody but Cordelia knew where that antique set of scales had come from before being moved in here the same week Miss Chase had started attending public (ugh!) high school, but years ago, a timid question from one of her first minions had received a lofty answer that it was none of their business, but their leader had decided then that she deserved something with a much more higher tone than a clunky foot scale…_right?_ That final word had been spoken with such deadly ferocity it resulted in everyone in Codelia's vicinity falling over themselves to hastily agree.

Now purposefully making her way over to the weighing machine, Cordelia shot an expectant look at the side of the restroom, where the newest member of the squad was nervously waiting, a small, pure silver bowl held in her trembling hands. At this unspoken command, Krystal scurried over to carry out today's assigned menial task, which was still a lot better than having to scrub the inside of Queen C's locker with a toothbrush dipped in Chanel No. 5, as scheduled for tomorrow. Coming to a petrified halt besides Her Majesty, Krystal lifted the silver bowl to display its contents for Cordelia's haughty examination while this brunette girl stood in front of the scales. After a nerve-racking few seconds, an infinitesimal flare of her nostrils indicated Cordelia was grudgingly willing to grant as acceptable the small pile of hand-polished pennies in the bowl.

Her stomach beginning to settle down in grateful relief at learning the results of totally ruining her last manicure while making sure every single penny was in sparkling-clean condition, Krystal selected the most dazzling coin, and with bated breath, the junior cheerleader inserted this metal disk into the proper slot of the weighing machine. Every inch of her magnificent body displaying overwhelming hauteur, Cordelia waited for the tiresome events to be carried out by somebody else, as was only proper. A searing look of pure contempt would have been bestowed upon anybody suggesting that things might have gone otherwise. A Chase actually _touching_ filthy, germ-laden, physical examples of currency? That was why God invented the credit card!

A soft _ding! _rang throughout the restroom, as the weighing machine indicated it was ready for its next customer. Stepping onto the lower platform where only she was allowed to place her feet, Cordelia proudly awaited the predictable outcome, which would surely mirror the last time she'd done this, and also the other thirty-seven times for the past week alone. Beginning to slowly spin around, the pointer of the glass-faced circular dial at head level that displayed in flamboyant 1890's script the exact amount of weight for its users finally had this metal needle come to a dead halt, revealing once more that Cordelia Chase had not gained a single ounce-

Before a smug young woman could even turn in triumph to her followers, the pointer jerked into motion again, without any possible cause or reason for this. Cordelia and also the other cheerleaders now stared in utter disbelief at the indicator wildly spinning around and around on the dial, becoming an actual blur as it reached aircraft propeller speeds. An instant later, the indicator slammed to a halt with such force that the metal hand bent in half. Right after this, the round face of the weighing machine shattered, spraying glass to the floor below. Next, the entire dial then popped outwards, to dangle helplessly from the upper portion of the weighing machine while staying connected only by a few thin wires. Lower down on the scales, the coin box flipped open, spilling out its entire contents of pennies onto the floor also.

Last of all, the ornamental iron ball atop the short column that crowned the weighing machine exploded upwards, ricocheting off the ceiling to then unerringly shoot across the room and making a direct hit, right between the eyes, of the life-sized, illuminated portrait of Candy Spelling hanging on the wall there in its own place of honor. A thin trickle of dust dribbled from the bottom of where the metal globe remained imbedded in the painting of a now-headless wife of an immensely rich film and television producer, who used her husband's money to build an enormous Los Angeles mansion that was so extravagant it had its own gift-wrapping room. It was no wonder this last blasphemous touch against someone idolized by the entire cheerleader squad was the final straw for these young woman.

Screaming in terror in response to the latest Hellmouth atrocity, the cheerleaders burst out of their restroom in a state of sheer panic, clustering together for protection as they frantically sprinted down the school corridor at such a speedy velocity they soon outstripped their sovereign, leaving a pursuing Cordelia Chase far behind and no longer the leader of their pack. Of course, with all of these girls presently preoccupied with their own affairs that included running for their lives, it was only natural that none of them even bothered to notice the janitor casually strolling in the opposite direction down the corridor, all while deeply sniggering to himself.

Sensing that his latest manifestation of the Halloween Chaos magic was about to wear off any second now, a very tickled Xander picked up the pace so that he'd return in time to the supply closet and change out of his overalls before he transformed back into his original body. Regretfully stroking his beard that Thom Kallor, alias Star Boy, had grown years before in the 30th Century, Xander felt much more disappointment over losing that fine chin foliage rather than the gravity-manipulating powers this member of the Legion of Super-Heroes normally possessed.

However, the fact was when Xander had changed into Star Boy an hour ago, he really couldn't think of any way to immediately make use of the ability to turn objects super-heavy that would directly help the Scooby Gang protect Sunnydale. When it became evident his newest gift from that long-ago day after Halloween was going to disappear even before school ended today, Xander had instead been gleefully inspired to play a truly fiendish prank on those snobby, stuck-up cheerleaders, and especially upon little Miss-Don't-You-Dare-Tell-Anyone-About-Us.

All it'd taken was for him in his new body to dress up as a janitor and confidently walk into the girls' restroom with a bucket and mop. Yeah, he'd known Cordy and her sheep were outside the school, and nobody else would dare enter their lair, but he'd still worked as fast as possible inside the lavishly furnished facilities. A quick application there of his power over gravity to the old-time set of scales ensured the fun would start once the penny actually dropped, as Buffy had told them months before. Xander had been pleased to find out his abilities would also protect anybody in the room from stray debris when the booby-trapped weighing machine violently self-destructed. There was no reason for anyone to be hurt, after all.

Why, he was even willing to later on administer comfort to the very best of his ability somebody trying to recover from learning that according to a previously trusted and very accurate measuring device, Cordelia Chase now weighed twelve hundred pounds. And seven ounces. With that last additional weight making the teenage girl the heaviest ever documented female, according to the latest book of Guinness World Records.


	5. Buuuuurrrrrrpppppp

Making a desperate dive onto the mall floor, Buffy landed on her stomach and slid forward far enough so that the Slayer's outstretched arms and hands caught the tossed rocket launcher just before that U.S. Army anti-tank device hit the ground. In a single, smooth motion, the young woman bounced to her feet, only to freeze when she aimed the weapon at the Judge. This unstoppable demon armored in a blue exoskeleton was at present holding in its immensely powerful grip a fruitlessly struggling Xander Harris, snatched up a mere instant before, with that action sending this high-school student's stolen rocket launcher flying through the air as a result.

Hearing a gloating roar of malevolent mirth coming from behind the Judge, Buffy promptly shifted her aim past this demon, only to hesitate again when she saw the all-too-familiar fanged face of her love, who'd changed into an even bigger monster than the azure-colored fiend continuing to incuriously regard the human twisting in its clutches. Gleefully calling to Buffy across the distance separating them, Angelus crowed, "So, who're you going to shoot, darlin'? Us-" (at that word, the Irish vampire waved a languid hand around in a gesture that took in himself, a smirking Spike, and a vacant-eyed Drusilla standing together a few dozen yards away in the mall court that had rapidly evacuated itself of the other human bystanders a few minutes ago) "-or that fine fellow in blue there?"

Pointing an index finger right at the Judge still studying its captured victim, a hugely amused Angelus, who hadn't had this much fun since the last time he massacred an entire orphanage, went on in his supremely mocking tone, "Of course, if you destroy the Judge, you'll also be blowing to pieces his newest pet, but if you decide to target us instead, it's hardly likely you'll get us all - and the Judge will then kill poor little Xander anyway! Oh, Spike, even you have to admit this is one of my best schemes ever to torment the Slayer!"

Rolling his eyes at his detested grandsire's latest boast, the blond vampire reluctantly admitted, "Aye, not bad at all, but can we soddin' well get on with it? You're the one who told us to save the gloating for later, so let's just start with the slaughter before those kiddies over there come up with some sort of surp- Mmmph!"

Faster than humanly possible, the dark-haired master vampire had grabbed Spike by the chin, wrapping his hand over that demon's mouth before he could finish speaking. Yanking the undead Englishman nearer, a furious Angelus hissed into Spike's wide-eyed features, "_Don't_ throw my own words back at me! And don't you ever dare to slight or interfere with my plans-"

This time, it was Drusilla who interrupted the older vampire, as the insane seer now screamed loudly for no evident reason at all. Shuddering on her feet for a few moments before falling to her knees on the mall floor, Drusilla clapped her hands to the sides of her head, to then start wailing, "Wild, wild, wild magic! It comes from far, from beyond time, from imaginary tales painted in bright colors for the little ones! Get away, get away! The youth born on the pink planet, he shall devour us all!"

Everyone there - the Scooby Gang, the two male vampires, and even the Judge - stared in puzzled disbelief at the whimpering seer after she'd stopped speaking. At last dismissing that incomprehensible babble from the unbalanced demoness, the Judge turned its massive head back, about to begin its finishing judgment upon the fate of humanity, starting with ending the life of the inconsequential member of that species in its arms which had been captured a few minutes before. However…

Still firmly held in the Judge's grip, an entirely different person instead now calmly stared back at the surprised demon.

Trying to understand this totally unexpected event, a quick review of the last few moments offered no useful clues to how this was even possible. The Judge had no recollection whatever of releasing its original captive and then acquiring a new prisoner. It was also unfeasible for that ordinary human to have escaped on its own while next replacing in the Judge's arms yet another individual varying in both facial appearance and attire.

Still maintaining his placid expression, the human held hostage in the Judge's arms opened and closed his mouth several times, as if he'd just said something. Thinking that this speech had been too quiet to be easily heard, the Judge pulled in his arms to bring his captive closer, until the pair's faces were nearly touching. As if he'd been waiting for exactly this, the human spoke again, uttering a very short and concise statement:

"I bet you taste like chicken."

Right after that, Matter-Eater Lad leaned forward, and he bit off the Judge's nose.

Thoughtfully chewing on his latest meal, the native known as Tenzil Kem of Bismoll, a world in the 30th Century which had its humans evolved to be able to consume all forms of matter (which apparently included the supernatural kind), now finished his mouthful, swallowed this, and then nonchalantly called out without turning his head, "Hey, Buffster, I got this taken care of, courtesy of Ethan's latest bit of Chaos magic from Halloween. Why don't you deal with Larry, Curly, and Moe right now?"

FWOOOSH!

After the ensuing thunderous explosion, the triple howls of pain coming from behind the Judge unfortunately indicated to Xander that the rocket launcher hadn't completely fulfilled its purpose. Oh, well, guessing from Buffy's exasperated growl and the sound of her quickly departing footsteps, she was already going after the Scourge of Europe once this trio of vampires had their own big hope known as Blue Boy here turning out to be a major disappointment. Right now, Angelus, Spike, and Drusilla were probably carrying out a tactical retreat, better known as running like hell. Considering how things could've turned out otherwise, Xander was willing enough to accept a draw for today.

Besides, he had his own chore to get started on with here, anyway. Not that his new body with the attributes of a certain member of the Legion of Super-Heroes was going to find it all that difficult. More likely, totally easy, given that Matter-Eater Lad had teeth harder than diamond, jaw muscles capable of sending these mandibles crunching through depleted uranium, and a digestive system which could effortlessly dissolve Wolverine's adamantium claws.

As he relaxed in his captor's motionless grip while taking another big, delicious chunk out of that demon's cheek, Xander smirked over his busily-working mouth into the frozen look of horror permanently displayed upon the Judge's features, as the still-conscious monster experienced once again the unique saliva of Tenzil Kem, which was more than capable of rendering any being whatsoever - alien _or _demon - totally paralyzed as they became lunch.


	6. A Magnetic Personality

Xander Harris wanted revenge.

No, strike that. He didn't just _want_ revenge; he lusted for revenge, he craved it, he DEMANDED it upon Cordelia Chase, that complete and utter bitch!

Xander had thought the worse part was over when after their relationship had been discovered by a snooping Harmony, he'd been heartlessly dumped by Cordelia at once. However, things really went to hell when in a desperate attempt to repair her social status for letting that dweeb Harris lay a single finger upon her, much less attending the submarine races with him numerous times in the supply closet, Cordelia had started to bad-mouth Xander to everyone in her vicinity. It hadn't just been revealing things he'd told her in total confidentiality about his home life; she'd also made up some really ridiculous lies - and people had believed her! Now, he was the laughingstock of the whole school.

Okay, he could take it, or he could get back at her. Xander had unhesitatingly chosen the latter course, and the next step was to figure out what exactly to do about it. The most fitting payback would be to inflict upon Cordelia the identical situation that young woman had created, only against herself this time. Have her in a relationship with him once more, and then walk out on Cordy as publicly as possible, all while causing the brunette girl the greatest amount of humiliation ever seen at SHS. Yeah, that'd be perfect!

Of course, there was the teensiest flaw in his cunning plan in that Cordelia wouldn't even allow herself to be seen in the same room with him now, much less his company, which kinda put a crimp in their getting back together for him to then promptly dump her. On the other hand, she might not have a choice…

Xander had instantly decided against getting the other Scoobies involved, or even knowing about what he was planning. G-man would surely consider the whole affair unreservedly immature, or some other stuffy English reaction, so he was out. Willow and Buffy were both more sympathetic to him about the entire mess, and they were beginning to regain their dislike concerning Cordelia due to how she was currently acting despite her recent assistance to the library group over the past couple of months. However, Xander had the feeling these two girls might have a few qualms, or even show some kind of female solidarity with Queen C, if they ever learned about his exact evil scheme.

In the end, that lead to Xander Harris slouching through the back alleys of Sunnydale on a weekend, heading straight to Amy Madison's house in the hope that this young witch knew about something called a love spell, and moreover, was willing to cast it for Xander. The teenage boy thought he had a pretty good chance of lucking out on this. True, Amy might not know about anything like what he specifically wanted, or couldn't do it, or would even flatly turn Xander down. Okay, so what? He wouldn't be worse off, and he could try to come up with something else. Then again, Amy owed him a favor or two, when he'd helped set her free of the witch's mother that had taken over the body of the younger woman. Plus, from what Xander could remember of their shared school lives, Amy had felt the rough edge of Cordelia's tongue numerous times, so he might actually have a willing accomplice.

Brightening up at that last thought, Xander took another step down the alley, and then his plans for today irrevocably changed in a shimmer of white light abruptly appearing over his entire body. A moment later, after this unexpected illumination had faded, Xander looked down at his new form, to then cautiously touch his unfamiliar features, as he groaned to himself, "This couldn't have happened sometime else?"

More closely examining the costume he was presently wearing, Xander at once identified which member of the Legion of Super-Heroes he'd just been changed into by that frakkin' Chaos magic left behind after Halloween by Ethan Ranye, England's worse ever export. In a more cheerful tone, Xander mused, "Well, damn, one of the founders, Cosmic Boy himself! Wonder if I can use what he's got…"

Looking up to eye further down the alley what he'd casually noticed a few seconds before, Xander pointed at the discarded hubcap lying on the alley ground thirty feet away, and he concentrated. Without anyone at all touching the hubcap, this metal disk shivered, and then it smoothly arose in the air to head level. Hanging there for a moment, the hubcap next suddenly zoomed forward, right at Xander, covering the entire distance in a split second before coming to a dead stop with the rim of the hubcap a fraction of an inch from Xander's fingertip.

Grinning as he made the hubcap still hovering to roll and pitch and yaw in all directions with his newly-acquired magnetic powers, Xander's smile thinned into a cold smirk, as he thought about Spike the vampire. That vile demon had gained his nickname by torturing his victims with railroad spikes, and Xander couldn't help but feel an evil urge to return the favor several dozen times over, impaling Spike with metal stakes controlled by the power of Cosmic Boy's mind.

Unfortunately, as Xander absently caused the hubcap to swish back and forth horizontally as if demonstrating how he'd finish off Spike by decapitating that jerk, his new body felt like it wasn't going to be around much longer, which might have actually allowed him to clean up the Hellmouth or do something else equally useful. Given that he'd started to become familiar with the process of unexpectedly acquiring the forms and powers of guys (and one gal so far) from the Legion, Xander had also begun feeling pretty accurately just how much time he'd possess his latest identity. Right now, it seemed like only a couple of hours, at the most. Resignedly shrugging to himself over what couldn't be helped, Xander then decided to indulge himself by having some fun with his most recent powers.

Looking around the alley, Xander tried to think of any nearby places where he could have some privacy, and most of all, lots of metal to play with that nobody would miss. After a few moments, a slow grin appeared on the young man's completely different face, as he chuckled to himself, "Oh, yeah, where else but the junkyard?"

Happily nodding at this sudden inspiration, Xander paused, to then sardonically eye his new clothes. Given what he was presently wearing, the whole reason for privacy had just gotten even more important. His reputation at the high school was already in the pits, but nobody in Sunnydale really needed to see Xander Harris wearing a _pink_ costume.

* * *

An hour later, Xander Skywalker, greatest of the Jedi and most assuredly an only child, skimmed across the frozen surface of Hoth in his snowspeeder. His target loomed up against the icy horizon, a massive Empire walker plodding its way towards the Rebel base. Only he stood between that destructive machine and freedom for the galaxy. Not to mention that if he took down the walker and saved the day, Senator Leia Organa had actually promised him, right before the mission, that afterwards they'd adjoin to her chambers, where he could then demonstrate the powers of the Force by using solely his mind to peel off her color-coordinated garments down to this smokin' hot lady's white panties, and continue from there on with more physical measures.

In his pants, Xander's lightsaber throbbed at remembering the best ever incentive to win against the bad guys.

Putting the pedal to the metal, the snowspeeder headed straight towards the walker, which started to fire its blasters at a man who was gonna do whatever was necessary in order to get some. Easily swinging from side to side in his flight to dodge the deadly beams, Xander flew at blurring speeds directly at his foe, to then suddenly dip closer to the ground. Ignoring everything else, Xander aimed his vehicle right at the nearest front leg, and at the proper moment, the Jedi pressed a button on his steering controls. From the front of the snowspeeder, a harpoon attached to a length of super-strong cable shot forward, crossing the distance from the smaller craft to the walker in an instant.

With a loud _CLANG!_ the harpoon hit and stuck to the walker's leg, with Xander zipping by that enormous machine while trailing the cable after himself. Going in an abrupt u-turn, the snowspeeder circled the walker several times, until with the same flawless precision, Xander tapped another button, and the cable released from the Rebel aircraft, which sped away only a short distance, before coming to a stop and hovering in the air while providing Xander with a great view. There was no way he was gonna miss seeing this.

Standing helplessly in the snow, the walker tried to break free of the cable entangling its legs, only to have its operator misjudge the force necessary for this, and causing his machine to lose its balance. With slow majesty, the walker toppled forward, slamming nose-first into the ground with enough force for Xander to feel it even where he was watching.

As the dirt floor of the junkyard shuddered under his boots, Xander did a fist pump of pure triumph, adding a howl of glee over the final noises of the collapsing one-tenth scale model of the thirty-foot-tall walker he'd earlier created from whole junked cars. Waiting until the dust raised by this blew away, Xander grinned at the pile of twisted metal left behind which was the only remnant of his imaginary duel taken directly from the movie _The Empire Strikes Back._

On second thought, there was something left over from his fun today. With a single thought, the miniature replica of a snowspeeder zoomed through the air of the clearing in the middle of the junkyard, halting before Xander's face to float there. Peering inside the cockpit, the young man in the flamingo-colored costume saw a little doll with very familiar features sitting in the pilot's chair.

It took only the merest mental impulse for the Xander doll to lift up his tiny metal arm and give Cosmic Boy a military salute, which the Legion member returned while maintaining a very deadpan expression. At that exact moment, when honors were being rendered, another shimmer of white light covered the human's body. An instant later, a soft _thud!_ announced that the replica had fallen to the ground after no longer being controlled by magically-created magnetic fields.

* * *

Whistling cheerfully, Xander came up the sidewalk to Giles' apartment. It'd been too late after his fun at the junkyard to go over to Amy Madison's house, so he'd probably do this tomorrow. In the meantime, Xander would stop off on his way home at Giles' residence and tell the older man all about yet another example of the Chaos magic that kept randomly happening to the teenager. Stopping at the apartment door, Xander shifted his replica of the snowspeeder that was today's souvenir to under his other arm, and he lifted his right hand to push the doorbell.

From inside the apartment, a woman's loud, angry shouting abruptly coming from inside made Xander freeze, as he also heard sobbing noises of ultimate grief beyond the door.

Instantly reacting, Xander let the replica under his arm drop to the ground, grabbed the doorknob and pushed the door open, to rush into the apartment. After dashing a few steps down the front hallway, Xander burst into the sitting room, where he found a rather…unusual state of affairs.

Slumped back into an armchair, Buffy Summers, the Slayer, was holding several plastic rectangular cards in her cupped hands, as she sorrowfully wept over these objects, "You poor, poor little darlings, Mommy will make it all better! I promise!"

Seated at another armchair at the far side of the room with a small side table containing a telephone next to himself, Rupert Giles had his unfolded wallet lying in his lap. Another plastic rectangular card was resting on top of the unfolded wallet of the shell-shocked Briton, whose only reaction to seeing Xander appear from apparently out of the blue was the fractional widening of his eyes behind this man's glasses, a response that seemed to be expressing, for some reason, actual gratitude.

Other than that, Giles didn't dare to divert his attention from the last person there, one Cordelia Chase, who was stalking back and forth in the middle of the room, all while screaming in pure rage: "THIS HAS TO BE THE HELLMOUTH'S FAULT! IF THERE'S SOME PROPHECY ABOUT THIS, YOU BETTER COME UP WITH A REALLY GOOD EXCUSE WHY WE WEREN'T TOLD!" Swiveling her head around to stare with a crazed expression at Xander, the beautiful young woman snarled dangerously to him, "What're _you_ doing here, dweeb?"

About to snark back at the girl who'd dumped him, a sudden flash of good sense which suggested that anything less than a polite response would result in Cordelia carrying out an immediate disembowelment on him made Xander say instead, "I just decided to drop in. What's going on? Is something wrong?"

Swelling up as if to let loose another shriek of fury, Cordelia was interrupted by Buffy sniffling from her chair, "Oh, Xan, it's really horrible! See, today was the mall's biggest, once-a-year, women's outfits sale, and me and Cordy were there. After we finished and picked up our spoils- Uh, I mean our purchases, we took them to the sales counter and tried to pay-"

"THEY REJECTED MY PLATINUM CARD!"

When their ears stopped ringing after Queen C's latest bellow, Buffy nodded in agreement. "Mine, too, all my credit cards! Nobody else at the other counters could pay, either! Until the manager came in, and he used his own card, which worked fine! Er…that's when the riot started."

Xander's mouth fell open at that last little bit of news, only to have his attention wrenched back to an impatient Cordelia declaring, "Never mind that, here's something much more important! I did some fast checking around town, calling everybody I knew, and _every _single woman in Sunnydale no longer has a valid credit card! What's more, all the guys in this place have their cards working perfectly!"

"Yes, indeed," contributed Giles in his most acerbic tone. "As demonstrated by yours truly when I was forced under the threat of extreme physical duress to purchase something over the telephone with my own credit card. I'm sure I'll in all honesty enjoy my dozen commemorative Elvis Presley dinner plates when they finally arrive within twenty-four hours or less, at the maximum shipping rate!"

Neither Buffy nor Cordelia wasted a single moment's sympathy for the Slayer's Watcher. Instead, the blonde young woman abruptly sat up in her armchair and shot a very suspicious look towards the exasperated Englishman, to then accuse him, "Hey, Cordy might be onto something here! Are you positively sure there's nothing in those dusty books of yours about this being any kind of sign of the next apocalypse? 'Cause this has to be for damn certain a trustworthy advance warning about the end of the world-"

Rupert Giles finally had enough. Snatching up his credit card, he angrily waved this at the two girls while a bemused Xander listened to a first-rate G-man harangue: "Don't be so bloody ridiculous! It's inconceivable that the supernatural could in any way be linked to this! No, it'd be far more logical that some sort of balls-up happened to all those other pieces of technology carried by you, Cordelia, and every female in this town! Who needs any kind of magic spell to make this idiotic card go all wonky, when a common, ordinary magnet could wipe out everything on it, as I was told when I first received this thing!" Pausing to take a needed breath, Giles then irascibly asked, "Don't you agree, Xander?"

Total silence.

The remaining people in the room - Giles, Cordelia, and Buffy - turned to observe nothing but an empty space where a young man had been a moment before.

Already a half-block away and still building up speed in his headlong sprint despite carrying along his snowspeeder replica under one arm, a guy who'd earlier been happily playing with magnetic fields for a good hour or two without even bothering to think about the possible range or consequences of this Chaos magic event now vowed to himself to completely forget all about a certain love spell. Who needed to get into even more trouble? Not when, if any member of the feminine species in Sunnydale ever learned about what Xander Harris was responsible for today, it was an absolute certainty that he'd be dead before he hit the ground.


	7. Say Aaaaahhngelus!

"You're gonna die. And I'm gonna be there."

Keeping a superior smile fixed upon his handsome features, Angelus decisively made up his mind. That last little piece of impertinence was the final straw. It'd been somewhat amusing to taunt Xander Harris while hearing his fast-beating heart and smelling the fear that was rolling off him, but enough was enough. Whatever that high-school student might have said moments before in the hospital corridor, about the risk of attacking him in front of the currently-unaware security guard, policemen, and orderlies elsewhere in the corridor, this might have ordinarily made good sense, but Angelus was now in no mood to listen to reason. A nice, gory slaughter was looking better and better, in fact.

About to change into game face, the master vampire instead flinched away from something utterly unexpected. A sudden shimmer of pure white light had appeared over the body of the scared-stiff boy standing before the door to Buffy's hospital room. Anxiously wondering about the significance of this bizarre occurrence and how exactly should he react to this, the demon waited in tense expectation for whatever would come next. Equally ready to flee or attack, Angelus absently held onto his gift bouquet of flowers, while he then gaped in sheer disbelief at who'd just materialized at where Xander had been a mere second ago.

Standing there in the hospital corridor, fortunately out of sight of the other humans around, a very strange-looking young woman blinked in shock, to then hastily examine her body, lifting her arms and glancing down her front. She certainly didn't resemble any of the races of humanity that the startled vampire knew about, what with the girl's shoulder-length purple hair, dead white skin with a pair of small antennae rising from the upper corners of her forehead, and some kind of light blue, butterfly-shaped birthmark or tattoo in the center of her pretty face. This completely unknown female was also wearing a rather ugly one-piece uniform covered with irregular dark green and brown splotches.

An odd thought abruptly popped into Angelus' head as he continued to stare: Could this unidentified girl be from a demon species he'd never previously encountered? Her unusual looks, not to mention how she'd suddenly appeared from out of nowhere while the Harris lad had vanished, highly favored an explanation that involved magic or the supernatural. This _was_ the Hellmouth, after all.

Frowning at that possible answer, Angelus' mood quickly shifted into wariness. Harris had been involved often enough with female demons before, so the undead Irishman risked a cautious sniff, while also listening to the hearts-

*What the shite? Hearts?*

Despite his whirling thoughts, Angelus knew beyond a doubt that he'd heard correctly. The young lassie over there had a pair of hearts steadily beating inside her trim body. Not only that, she had perhaps the strangest scent he'd ever come across, an uniquely searing combination of hot peppers and rotting oranges which was actually making his eyes water-

"Hey, Deadboy, why're you still hanging around here where you're not wanted? Get lost, and don't ever come back, asshole."

Angelus gawked at this very familiar attitude coming from a total stranger. At the same time, there was now upon the face of the young woman there a certain malicious smirk, which the male demon had all too much experience with, so as incredible as it might seem-

"_Harris?_ "

"That's my name. Don't wear it out, Captain Forehead," snarked the girl. An instant later, her icy sneer changed into an exceedingly dangerous gaze, accompanied by a matching poisonous tone when she added, "I meant it, you piece of crap. Take off, or I'll reduce you to a bubbling puddle of goop on the floor, you coward."

A vast wave of rage surged inside Angelus' mind at being spoken to with such insolence by a little bitch who looked even frailer than Harris in his original body. Except…not even the Slayer's lapdog was insane enough to say something like that without being able in one way or another to back it up. This merited further investigation, so the vampire managed to sufficiently control his blazing temper to demand, "What in Satan's name _happened_ to you, Harris? And why should I give the least tinker's dam about paying attention to any of your big threats?"

That maddening smirk was back upon Harris' changed features, as she (he?) mockingly answered, "That's for me to know and for you to find out, corpse-face. Though, me being like this is a kind of hint on why you should already be running like hell, same as the last time when you and Spike and Drusilla did that, when the three of you were at the mall a while back."

A baffled Angelus protested, "I've never seen you before, whoever you are! What're you talking about?"

An evil grin was then bestowed upon the perplexed vampire, as the girl snickered, "Remember your big, bad Judge and how he got reduced to demon take-out? I'm part of the same bunch of people the guy who did that belonged to, dumbass! We take down supervillains who make you look like toejam!"

Despite himself, Angelus edged back another step. He'd never been able to figure out what exactly had happened to destroy the Judge, given the need to abruptly dodge a fired rocket and then having to leg it with his vampiric companions while being pursued by a furious Slayer. Nor had the entire confusing matter made any more sense afterwards. And now, here was evidently another one of those people with unique abilities, who was doing…nothing? *Hmmm.*

Thoughtfully eyeing the small woman across the corridor, Angelus tried, "I've noticed, despite all your boasting, that you haven't lifted a single finger against me. It suggests, Harris, you might be totally bluffing. What do you have to say about that?"

Rolling her eyes, the girl then shot a disgusted look towards the vampire waiting for her to reply. "Unlike you, Mr. Hairgel, I do my best to avoid collateral damage. We're in a hospital, as you know quite well, and I won't put other people here in danger from my powers." Seeing the sudden flash of evil glee appear in Angelus' eyes, the superheroine snapped, "But I will if necessary to defend myself and Buffy! You do anything right now, such as trying a quick attack to take me by surprise, and I'll make your face melt off your skull! If you're still considering it anyway on the off chance you'll get away with it, you should know that what I have will work on you even after I'm dead!"

Keeping his countenance blank, Angelus inwardly cursed the lack of the normal cues he got from humans which revealed if they were lying. All the sounds and smells given off by that weird female were just too different to help him make any kind of decision…but he still wasn't buying it. Harris knew exactly what kind of monster Angelus was like, so if she _could_ protect herself, that woman surely would've done it already, no matter what she'd just said! *No, let's put a little more pressure on her…*

"Little boys - and girls - shouldn't lie to their elders, Harris," crooned Angelus in a disdainful, sing-song tone, beginning to drift nearer, but still maintaining the perfect balance to instantly strike or dodge, whatever was necessary.

A resigned look appeared on the woman's face, as she calmly folded her arms across her chest, to then say in a very bored voice, "Fine, if you really want a demonstration, then just hold out your flowers."

This comment made Angelus halt in his tracks, as his jaw dropped. Whatever reaction he'd been trying to goad his opponent into, _that_ hadn't been what the vampire had expected at all. Glancing down at the bouquet in his left hand which he'd been holding throughout their entire conversation, Angelus looked up to see the young woman take a few, steady steps forward from her former position in front of Buffy's door, and then she stopped within easy arm's reach, her eyebrows raised in clear expectation.

After dithering for a moment, Angelus warily held out the bouquet, waiting with ready tenseness if the girl chose to attack. Instead, after giving the fuming vampire an amused look, the superheroine bent forward, her arms still crossed, and she then huffed a single breath upon the tops of the flowers held a few inches below her mouth.

Instantly, every single flower wilted, with all the colorful petals and the stems turning pure black and then melting, with this noisome slime dribbling onto the back of Angelus' hand. Recoiling at once in pure horror, the vampire opened his fingers and frantically shook his hand, sending the vile liquid that was the remnants of his bouquet splashing onto the hospital floor, which made a nasty, squelching sound when the goo hit the tiles. Right after that, Angelus started madly scraping the back of his hand against his pants leg, only to be interrupted in the middle of this by a merciless girl:

"Skin starting to itch yet, Deadboy? I've heard from the sole survivor who managed to get it off quickly enough that a wire brush and then a blowtorch worked like a charm-"

Looking up from their various jobs, the other people there in the corridor had their attention caught by the departing black streak that the automatic front doors opened for just in time. Staring after this meant nobody noticed the bizarre young woman stepping back to stand again in front of Buffy's door, her face calm and her arms still held across her chest. As she stood there, Xander Harris was desperately trying not to be sick in reaction to the end of his successful bluff. He most decidedly did _not_ want to see whatever was in Infectious Lass's stomach.

Trying to get his mind off this, Xander thankfully found something else to think about, now that he wasn't in a life-or-death confrontation with a master vampire facing a superheroine from the 30th century. Who, in fact, shouldn't have been created in the first place by this latest example of Chaos magic left over from that damn Halloween!

A very puzzled look passed over the multi-colored face of Drura Sehpt, who from what Xander remembered, wasn't even a member of the Legion of Super-Heroes at all! Oh, she'd indeed tried to join that group, but the young lady with the power of making anybody sick had shown during her demonstration upon a nervous Star Boy that she couldn't effectively control her abilities. Star Boy had become seriously ill and then collapsed, which hastily ended the demonstration. Equally swift had been the Legion's decision against letting Infectious Lass join, or even having her anywhere near them!

A very discouraged Drura Sehpt had then done what seemed to her was the second best thing. If she couldn't be in the big leagues, then she'd settle for something lower, which was becoming a member of the Legion of _Substitute_ Heroes, a bunch of hopeful rejects possessing various minor, absurd, or just plain weird powers. Best of all, her new friends managed to tolerate having around themselves someone who unfailingly inflicted upon her compatriots a new and utterly ridiculous disease every other week. There'd been the Granderian Gender-Reversal Germs, for example…

While mulling this over, Xander had been absently rubbing the side of one of his new antennae with a slim finger, until a shimmer of white light appeared and then vanished around him, leaving his larger male finger hanging in the air just above his conventionally-shaped human forehead. Sighing with relief now that tonight's craziness seemed to be at an end - him back to normal, Angelus gone, Buffy safe - Xander leaned against the door, and he continued his watch over his friend, knowing that all was once more right with the world, or at least as good as it got while living on the Hellmouth. Maybe he'd never figure out just why he'd managed to change into Infectious Lass in the first place, but frankly, who cared, now that it was all over?

He would put off thinking about the rest until later, when he was sure of having a safe opportunity to go completely to pieces, about getting away with bluffing Angelus, given that Infectious Lass's powers worked only on _living_ beings. The flowers had been a total gamble, but apparently they were still alive even after being picked and made into the bouquet. However, it was extremely unlikely that Xander could've actually infected Deadboy with any kind of disease whatsoever, what with that vampire being a supernaturally-animated walking corpse. Feeling beads of relieved sweat breaking out in the small of his back now that the crisis was decisively over, Xander sternly reminded himself that he'd again managed to protect another of his girls, and nothing mattered more than that.

The White Knight resumed his guard, never to know that with typical Xander Harris luck, he'd just undergone a particularly wonky Ethan Rayne special. In an alternate universe a millennium from now, Infectious Lass would still spectacularly fail in her membership try for the Legion of Super-Heroes, but during the ensuing vote, a private feeling of sympathy would cause one of the current members of this group to secretly vote for her, if only to prevent that nice young woman from being unanimously blackballed.

Once the votes had been tallied, it was then found out to everyone's horror, that through an truly incredible coincidence, they'd _all _(even a recovering Star Boy) felt sorry in the exact same way for Drura Sehpt, which resulted in this thrilled girl getting a record 100% approval vote on the confidential ballots. Feeling obligated to abide by the vote no matter how preposterous it was, the entire Legion gritted their teeth, welcomed their newest member, and surreptitiously enlarged the medical facilities in their headquarter to triple their former size.

Which, for the next couple of years, turned out to be barely adequate.


	8. Now You See Them, Now You Don't

Dancing down the school corridor, Xander Harris enjoyed the smooth rush of air over his uncovered chest, the firmness of the floor under his bare feet, and the swaying of his dangling junk exposed to the entire world. He was nude, and he was proud!

Okay, he was also invisible, and since it happened to be the middle of the night, Sunnydale High was totally deserted. Well…the late-shift janitor was busy at his job somewhere else here, but again, he _was_ invisible, so even if that hard-working guy ever showed up, all Xander had to do was to stay quiet while sneaking off into the opposite direction out of earshot. Nodding in satisfaction at this conclusion, Xander continued to perform the Macarena, and this time he avoided poking himself in the eye. Before tonight, the teenage boy had never thought how difficult it was to know exactly where all your extremities were when you became perfectly transparent.

It'd happened just a few minutes ago. The Scooby Gang had been making their regular patrols, and an hour ago in one of the town's graveyards, Buffy had slain a highly belligerent demon that nobody recognized. Xander volunteered to check out Giles' books in the school library to see if there was any information about the Slayer's latest kill. Thankfully, there'd been nothing alarming when Xander managed to identify that not particularly dangerous demon, and he'd been in the middle of returning the aged volume to the library shelves, when a shimmer of white light had appeared over his body. A second later, Xander was staring at a book in front of himself that seemed to be floating in mid-air a few inches from the edge of his new long-sleeved upper costume, even though his brain was also insisting he was still firmly holding onto the book.

Sighing, Xander quickly identified yet another unwanted present from the Chaos magic he'd been exposed to last year, being changed into Lyle Norg of the Legion of Super-Heroes. In the 30th century, this young scientist developed a chemical serum that allowed him to generate an aura which redirected light waves around his body in such a manner to leave him completely invisible. This process somehow allowed Lyle to see even when he was invisible, despite the logical objection that his transparent eyes wouldn't have incoming light waves reflecting from his retinal cells and thus carry this visual information to his brain.

Well, at least that had also worked for Xander, but unfortunately, due to the Chaos magic having a little bit of fun tonight, while _he_ was invisible, his clothes weren't! Glumly eyeing his apparently headless and handless reflection in the boys' restroom mirror, Xander realized that this wasn't going to be very useful to the Scoobies. Even with Sunnydale Syndrome, other people would probably notice an empty set of clothes walking around without seemingly anybody in these garments! Not to mention that vamps and other demons possessed such keen noses and other sensitive senses that even if these creatures of the night might not see an invisible Xander, they'd certainly know he was around them, his stake ready for action while this wooden stick was floating in the air.

A sudden inspiration had Xander drink from a paper cup taken out of the holder directly above one of the restroom sinks. However, despite removing the upper part of Lyle Norg's costume, Xander didn't get a chance to see the water he'd just consumed flowing down his throat into his stomach. Instead, this liquid seemed to disappear, or also become invisible when it went down past his lips, showing his invisibility power was working a fraction of an inch beyond his flesh. It was still totally cool to see in the restroom mirror the paper cup floating over a set of pants standing up straight from the floor, though.

Crumpling up the paper cup in his invisible hand (and that was fun to watch, too), Xander tossed it into the trash container nearby, and he wondered what to do next. It felt like his newest bit of Chaos magic would wear off pretty soon anyway, which favored staying safely inside the school until this happened, and then going back out to rejoin his fellow Scoobies on their patrol as an again-visible Xander. They wouldn't be too worried if he didn't show up right away, since nobody had known how long it'd take for their friend to find the information on their attacking demon, after all. So, what else could he do until then?

Xander glanced down at his boots and trousers standing upright in the restroom, and then he slowly lifted his head to look at the door of the boys' facilities, an evil grin beginning to appear upon his invisible face.

"_When I dance, they call me Macarena,_" hummed Xander under his breath as he gyrated down the school corridor while being stark naked. It'd taken just all of five seconds for him, after he'd stripped in the library and put away Lyle Norg's entire costume there, to stop feeling so self-conscious and just gleefully throw himself into a truly unique experience he'd for sure never be able to do ever again. Or, at least until streaking came back into fashion.

Coming to a corner, Xander stopped humming, to then cautiously peek around the wall down another brightly-lit school corridor, totally deserted, and with a gleaming, just-waxed floor showing where the janitor had been working there a few minutes before. Nothing in the entire world would've prevented Xander from carrying out his next completely impulsive action.

Grinning from ear to ear as he slid on his feet over the slippery floor after a few running steps further back up the hallway to build enough speed, Xander sailed down the corridor. Halfway in his journey, after beginning to slow down, the teenager tucked in his arms and he added a few spins to his skating routine. Just after completing his final rotation, Xander was about to slide to a stop, so he then flung up his arms, about to hold them triumphantly over his head at winning the men's figure skating Olympic gold medal. What's more amazing, the incredible Xander Harris had finished off his routine with a perfect score without wearing any makeup, ruffles, glitter, or in fact anything else at all!

Lost in his dreams of glory (and very lucrative tv commercial endorsements), Xander continued to hold up his arms as he slowed to nearly a complete halt on the waxed corridor, and at that exact moment, the teenage boy made a direct collision with his entire body into something unseen standing in front of an open classroom door to the right.

Yelping in his sheer fright and absolute shock, Xander lost his balance and fell into the doorway, all while frantically flailing at the shrieking invisible entity that was completely tangled up with him. Alternatively trying to get away even as he defended himself, Xander tumbled into the classroom itself, rolling around the floor in a futile attempt to regain his footing and run like hell. His kicks, punches, and shoves only made contact once in a while with his mystery opponent, who was having an equal lack of success, and then Xander tried a frenzied lunge off his knees into the direction of the door and out into the corridor. Whatever he was fighting also had the same idea at that identical moment, resulting in two bodies again slamming together and falling back onto the floor, both in a desperate clutch with each other, as their fight instantly ceased.

"_LET GO, YOU PERVERT!_" screamed a very high-pitched voice right into Xander's ear.

This young man was at that point devoting just 0.01% of his concentration to such odd things as that final word yelled at him, his left hand holding a slim wrist that was trying to pull free, and his right hand clamped onto something round that felt both firm and soft through the cloth covering it, with a protruding nub digging into the center of his palm. Xander was far more concerned about what was taking up his remaining 99.99% attention. Mainly, the small hand with the very sharp fingernails that was now firmly fastened onto his genitals.

"_YOU LET GO!_" screamed back Xander in a similar high-pitched voice, which he instantly prayed wouldn't remain permanent.

That provoked another earsplitting shriek, combining fear and rage: "_I DIDN'T COME BACK HERE TO BE RAPED! LET GO OF ME, OR I'LL RIP YOUR BALLS OFF!_"

In the next second, Xander's brain worked faster than ever before in his life, connecting all that he'd just learned: invisible - invisible _girl_ (he abruptly realized just what his right hand was holding and at once let loose of this breast) - come back here - and the young man then came to the astonished and yet absolutely correct conclusion.

"Marcie? _Marcie Ross?_"

An incredulous gasp huffed into Xander's ear, with this teenager himself uttering a choking whimper as the hand down there tightened slightly in sheer shock. A girl's voice coming from out of thin air then bewilderedly asked, "Uh, what- How- Who _are_ you?"

Gritting his teeth, Xander painfully forced out, "I'm Xander! Xander Harris!"

"I don't remember-"

_Really_ wanting Marcie to let go, Xander then said what he'd been hoping to avoid: "When you went on your rampage here last year, you locked me, Giles, and Willow in the boiler room and turned on the gas."

The hand holding Xander captive was then hastily snatched away, accompanied by a very apologetic babbling, "I- I'm so, so, sorry! I really am, over everything! Well…like I told my therapist, I still wouldn't spit on Cordelia Chase if she was on fire, but, honestly, I've made great strides, coming to peace with almost everything else, and uh, could you please forgive me-" It went on like that for another minute or so.

Not that Xander was paying very much attention, what with the young man falling over onto his side and curling up around himself. Eventually, he became aware of something unseen prodding his right knee, following by a very bemused feminine voice, "Xander? Are you okay? Um, are you paying attention? Because I'm really curious why you're invisible too, Also, about the whole no clothes thing-"

"It seemed like a good idea at the time," groaned Xander, cautiously sitting up. Eyeing the deserted classroom brightly lit up like the outside corridor, Xander again failed to catch sight of a certain young woman currently sharing this space with him. Clearing his throat, Xander tried to explain without giving away too much information, "Sunnydale's still as weird as ever since you left. I got turned invisible tonight because of another one of the bizarro effects caused by living here, but it should wear off soon."

"Oh," sadly replied Marcie, as Xander stared at the empty space a few feet away where her voice was coming from. Continuing in her subdued tone, she confessed, "That hasn't happened to me. I haven't changed back, even though I don't live here anymore and people remember me now-"

Genuinely curious, Xander broke in, "Hey, just what went on with you last year after everything, anyway? We saw you head off with a couple of government-looking guys-"

It was Marcie's turn to interrupt the other, as she earnestly told him, "Xander, I can't talk about that. Let me put it this way - I've got an important job, but it's really secret."

"That's…great," hesitantly responded Xander, who still had the uneasy feeling Marcie was keeping quiet about something important. But then, he had his own secrets about the Hellmouth and the Slayer and the Scooby Gang. The last who fortunately weren't around the school right this minute, because Buffy and Wils and Cordy certainly wouldn't be happy about Marcie being back-

Frowning at the question which had just popped into his head, Xander asked without thinking, "Marcie, why're you here, at the high school? Does this have anything to do with your, uh, job?"

"Oh, no," Marcie's voice promptly replied. "I mentioned my therapist, right? Well, she persuaded me I needed to get some closure about what happened here to me in the first place, and how I dealt with it. So, I talked my- Uh, we're just paying a quick visit here. I'll get picked up in a half-hour or so, and then we're leaving."

"Oookay," drawled Xander in a rather doubtful tone. Feeling impelled to fill in the sudden awkward silence between the pair, he went on, "So, do you, um, feel better?"

There was another short pause, until Marcie uttered an unenthusiastic, "Eh, kind of. I wandered around here for a while, going to a few places like the music room that I've got some nice memories about. Other than that, even though I gave it a pretty good try, I still don't like it here very much. I'll probably never come back after this, Xander." After that statement, the young girl uttered a short, unhappy sigh.

For some reason that sound seemed very familiar to the Scooby Gang member, prompting him to ask in his concern, "Is something wrong, Marcie?"

Another sigh came, along with a doleful admission absently delivered by the invisible girl, "It's…why I've been depressed the last couple of weeks. Like I told Ms. Han - my therapist - nobody knows me."

"What?" frowned Xander, tilting his head to stare at a vacant spot on the classroom floor. He pointed out, "You said before that people remember you at your job now-"

"That's different, Xander," corrected Marcie. There was a thoughtful note in the young woman's voice, as she struggled to put her feelings into actual words. "They remember me - that I'm around, working, training, that kind of thing. But…they don't _know_ me, just like the last time when I was here. I'm…scared that I'll disappear even more, now that nobody knows who I am or what I look like."

"I know what you look like, Marcie" Xander responded at once, feeling startled as he realized the truth of his abrupt statement. This astonishment made the teenage boy miss the indrawn breath of wonder and sudden hope coming from across the classroom, as Xander started speaking slowly, from his memories.

"You've got smooth, shoulder-length brown hair, parted at the middle, an open, pretty face with a strong jaw, and a good mouth that lights up everything when you smile. You've got…" For the next minute, Xander lost himself in his sincere description, to then finish in a satisfied tone over remembering so much.

Only to listen in sudden horror to the sound of soft weeping coming from where Marcie was sitting on the classroom floor. Knowing he'd just completely screwed up, even if he wasn't sure how, the young man despairingly entreated, "Oh, geez, I'm sorry, Marcie! I didn't mean to- UFF!"

That abrupt grunt was due to a small body moving very fast to wrap itself completely around Xander's chest, putting her arms in a chokehold encircling his throat, and pulling his head down to press the side of her head against his cheek. Not daring to move a muscle, Xander felt liquid dripping down his jaw line, as Marcie kept on crying. After a few more disbelieving moments, Xander started gingerly patting Marcie's unseen shoulders and back, while also surreptitiously edging his bare legs away from where he thought her lower body was. All he needed now was for the sobbing girl in his arms to unerringly plant her knee into his crotch.

Finally, Marcie's tears subdued into a few sniffles, until she then spoke in absolute gratitude. "You don't just know me, Xander! Right now, you made me know myself. I can remember who I am, and I'll keep what you told me! I, I can't thank you enough…but I'm still going to try. You, Xander Harris, are always going to remember me!"

Blinking at that, a suddenly-nervous Xander warily pointed out, "Marcie, I'm invisible and sitting bare-ass naked on a kinda cold classroom floor. Plus, I'm also holding in my arms a really nice invisible girl. How's it possible for me to ever forget this?"

An inch from Xander's face, a soft, gleeful, feminine giggle sent a puff of air against his skin, as he also felt there smooth fingers gently touching him and tracing out his features. Holding his head stock-still, Xander's eyes widened, as a finger remained at the tip of his nose to show where to guide someone else's nose. Opening his mouth but not sure exactly what he'd been about to say, his lips suddenly felt upon them a descending pair of warm female lips that were the property of a young woman utterly determined to go through with this.

Several minutes later, Bill Nathanson, the late night shift janitor at Sunnydale High, was irkedly chewing at his unlit cheap cigar while following the trail of skidmarks down the corridor he'd cleaned and waxed just an hour ago. This workman halted in his tracks in front of the open doorway of a lit classroom, his attention suddenly caught by the steady noises coming from within this area. Squinting into there, Bill saw absolutely nobody in the classroom. However…

The teacher's desk placed in front of the blackboard was now forcefully shifting, rattling, and bouncing, all without anyone near or even touching this piece of furniture. The astonished janitor also further heard the sounds of two young people in the classroom, one male and one female, both moaning and gasping and grunting…

Bill stepped back, did a hasty about-face, and got out of there as fast as he quietly could. He'd come back later. _Much _later. With every bit of cleaning supplies he could bring along. Just in case.


	9. Wax On, Wax Off, XanderSan

No matter how good you are at your work, sooner or later something will go wrong. The Scooby Gang became aware of that simple fact late one night in a Sunnydale cemetery while being completely surrounded by their demonic enemies.

The usual post-apocalyptic season lull had continued longer than usual during the summer, vastly helping the small group of humans trying to defend their world from the vicious creatures of the dark infesting the Hellmouth, all without having Buffy Summers, the Slayer, on their side. After the tragic events which had ended the whole Acathla situation, this young woman had fled from the small California city, unable to bear her horrible memories of sending Angel to hell. Over the next couple of months, nobody had heard a single word concerning Buffy, forcing Giles, Xander, Willow, Oz, and Cordelia to patrol nightly together in a dangerous gamble that they'd be able to keep things under control in Sunnydale on their own.

Tonight, it'd appeared that this gamble had at last failed. Standing back-to-back while holding ready their crossbows and other hand weapons, nobody spoke among the Scoobies, as they resignedly waited for the end in a gleeful charge by their smirking enemies encircling the small band of humans. Instead, the four teenagers and one mature man listened with growing irritation to Spike the vampire, who'd returned to Sunnydale several weeks ago without Drusilla.

Standing well to the rear of the crowd of other monsters he'd gathered up tonight to wipe out those soddin' pests for once and all, the English demon continued to loudly boast of his cleverness at finally realizing Buffy was missing in action. Just as Xander was about to sarcastically respond with a biting rejoinder this vampire's sudden and totally surprising flash of insight was due only to becoming aware that he hadn't had his ass kicked lately by a tiny girl, a shimmer of white light abruptly illuminated the cemetery.

Recovering from their collective flinch at that utterly unexpected event, the entire group of vampires and other demons stared in total disbelief at one specific member of the Scooby Gang handing over his crossbow to a flabbergasted Cordelia at his side. Continuing their dumbfounded gawking, the malevolent mob watched as Xander Harris took a few steps forward, and then halted, to next make a smooth, short, martial arts bow towards his opponents.

Right after that, the carnage commenced.

Gaping in their own total bogglement at the tornado of destruction in his white and gold gi outfit handily dispatching a fiendish foe with every blow while Xander worked his circular way along the face of the demonic crowd, the other Scoobies numbly held their weapons on guard against any creature of the night deciding to seek easier prey. This never happened, since their dwindling enemies soon either wanted to make a desperate escape away from that incredible fighter, or get their clawed hands on somebody more than a match for them in combat.

Not taking their fascinated gazes away from numerous vampires puffing into dust or more durable demons suffering the effortless removal of their heads, limbs, and various body organs, the small band of humans soon heard from a confounded Giles totally at a loss, "How is this even _possible?_"

Beginning to jump up and down in relieved glee, Willow kept on watching her best friend since kindergarten dispatch two demons at once with a jumping split kick. As this pair of inhuman corpses slumped to the cemetery grounds and started dissolving into goo, the red-haired girl happily answered without taking her eyes away, "Xan's the Karate Kid now, Giles! I recognize his costume from that Legion of Super-Heroes prop he got from Ethan's costume shop!"

Four attacking vampires became extinct consecutively, one after the other, when chest hammer-blows shattered ribcages and sent bone splinters plunging through unbeating hearts, ending the magic that kept these vile blood-drinkers intact, all while Giles was feebly protesting, "I meant the, the _other_ thing, Willow!"

The Scooby Gang then witnessed how Spike, now the only demon still in one piece, instantly performed his usual humiliated dash at full speed into the other direction after losing yet another fight. Xander went in hot pursuit of the vampire, except the martial-arts master was still losing ground to someone with a lot more bleedin' incentive to make tracks. Groaning in disgust at seeing their most annoying adversary succeeding in escaping once more, Willow went on to absently respond to the British librarian with absolutely no clue about DC Comics characters. "Oh, that 30th century superhero with the name of Val Armorr became such a master of karate and other bare-handed combat that he could even go one-on-one against Superboy. So, just a bunch of demons isn't going to give him all that much trouble-"

Cordelia showed she'd finally had enough for tonight by exploding, "He wasn't talking about _that! _Or did you actually manage to miss what else Xander turned into tonight, you idiot?"

Glaring at her long-time enemy, Willow felt a gentle hand fall upon her shoulder, as Oz spoke in his quiet voice for the first time all night: "Maybe it's just because Ethan, Janus, Chaos magic, the Hellmouth, and the entire universe find it really funny to play practical jokes on Xander."

"That…is an actual possibility," allowed Giles in a very cautious tone. Placing his crossbow atop a handy gravestone, the older man pulled out a handkerchief from the front pocket of his tweed suit, and he began meditatively polishing his glasses, clearly thinking it over. A few seconds later, the Scoobies heard footsteps coming their way through the cemetery, and they all soon saw Xander trotting out of the darkness towards his friends.

Just barely suppressing her attack of the giggles, Willow called out, "Did you get Spike, Xan?"

Stopping in front of the four humans as he glumly shook his triangular-shaped head with the short horns protruding from the top of his skull, the white-furred goat remained standing upon his hind legs while then bringing up his forelimbs with their black hooves in an embarrassed shrug that plainly expressed without speaking, "Better luck next time."

The barnyard animal created by tonight's Chaos magic now brought down his upper limbs to brush against the sides of his Karate Kid uniform, which was the only thing besides his newfound incredible martial arts abilities otherwise matching his DC Comics character. Rolling his yellow eyes in utter exasperation at the beginning snickers of Willow and Cordelia now finally able to find the humor in it all, Xander bleated through his muzzle a sneering, "Neeehhhhh!" towards these two girls, who promptly collapsed together, holding each other up as they simultaneously screamed with laughter.

A minute or so later, the sudden look of alarm that flashed over the hairy face of the horned animal caused even Giles and Oz to start chuckling. Warily backing up a step or two on his hooves, Xander then stopped, to wait in utter resignation for whatever Cordelia and Willow were planning, now that these young women had stopped laughing to straighten up, let go of each other, and purposefully stride towards him. Each of the females had the identical devilish gleam of wicked delight in their eyes as they came nearer.

In the meantime, Giles took the opportunity to lean over and confide into Oz's ear, "I truly doubt that this could happen to anyone else but to that lad there. Who but Xander could manage to pick the most favorable moment to illustrate the Oxford English Dictionary definition of a kid as a young goat?"

Keeping his features absolutely deadpan except for the faintest wry twist of agreement at the corners of his mouth, Oz placidly watched his girlfriend and Cordelia both using their hands to stroke Xander's fur. As the teenage boy in his latest manifestation created by Chaos magic (obviously having a lot of fun tonight) blissfully closed his eyes, the entire cemetery heard a happy chortle from Cordelia:

"He's sooooo soft and fuzzy!"


	10. Bigger Isn't Necessarily Better

In the Sunnydale High School library, Buffy Summers was pretty much happier than she'd been for the past month, aside from the currently preposterous circumstances. The Slayer was back after her summer sojourn in Los Angeles, and the reunions with her mother and the rest of the Scooby Gang had gone a lot better than the Slayer had hoped for. Everyone had done their best in patching things up with each other after Buffy's frantic running away from her home after sending Angel to hell. Now, it was another year at school with her friends, and things were looking like old times. The whole gang had even finished off another big bad of the week last night, their first of the season, and even if things hadn't gone exactly like she'd expected-

Outside, the ocean breeze shifted directions, with the wind swiftly changing into coming from inland towards the school. As an intense stench once more pervaded the entire building, Buffy gagged and she made a quick grab for the clothespin laying on the library table. Her eyes watering while she fastened this laundry line holder onto her nose in order to block out the horrible smell, Buffy glared at the young man sharing the table with herself and the other Scoobies, each and every one of them who could do so also sending their own dirty looks towards Xander Harris.

"I hate you," nasally hissed Buffy towards the sulking boy, who was refusing to meet anybody's eyes as he grumpily slid further down in his chair, arms sullenly crossed over his chest and head hunched down into his shoulders.

An abrupt wince crossed Xander's features at that moment when he was in the middle of trying to find a more comfortable position in his seat, causing him to snap back just as irritably past his own clothespin clamped onto his nose. "Hey, nobody seemed to mind me turning into Colossal Boy right in the middle of our fight last night! You guys were actually cheering when I shot up to three hundred feet tall and started stomping every demon in sight!"

"If that was indeed the only consequence of Ethan's Chaos magic again manifesting itself then, we'd be _much_ more appreciative concerning you, Xander," growled Rupert Giles from behind the handkerchief soaked in cologne he'd clapped to his face a moment before.

"You can say that again, Giles," came a girl's muffled voice from under the towel being used as a sham tent on the other side of the library table, where a very unhappy Willow and Oz were huddled together as close as they could get to a steam humidifier and its eucalyptus-scented vapors that both of these young people were desperately inhaling.

Still stubbornly trying to persuade people firmly convinced otherwise that this whole disaster wasn't his fault, Xander protested, "Aw, Wils, you were the one who suggested we all hit the new Thai place that opened a week ago downtown!"

A redhead's very icy tone responded from somewhere beneath her covering cloth. "So _what?_ Before we learned about the ceremony in the foothills outside town that was gonna raise every ghost in the whole county, _you_ were already stuffing your face with a triple order of khao kha mu slathered with nam phrik! From personal experience, we both know the stuff goes right through you like a dropped brick! It took you long enough to figure out that no matter how yummy that dish is, you really need to stay close to a bathroom afterwards, with absolutely _no _jumping around like you did in our fight with those demon jerks!"

There was then a short pause in the library, as all there wincingly remembered a face nearly as big as a house turning pale in the city lights from Sunnydale. Until, a young man now possessing an huge body thirty stories high belonging to a member of the Legion of Super-Heroes next abruptly bolted further into the low hills around this supernatural-haunted town in a desperate search for some needed solitude while fumbling at the waistband of his Colossal Boy costume.

At the same time in a certain location upwind, every bit of heavy construction equipment owned by the city of Sunnydale was frantically working to finish getting rid of a brownish-colored, pyramidal hillock covering a good part of an acre to a depth of several feet, and still giving off a near-lethal stink. Rumbling backwards on its metal treads, the front-end loader having finished off its job of excavating the vast pit before itself now made room for the trio of bulldozers that advanced at the impatient wave of the figure standing well to the side.

Dressed as usual in his normal impeccable suit and the unusual accouterment of a gas mask, Richard Wilkins III glowered through this piece of protective equipment at yet another idiotic crisis in Sunnydale that only he could keep under wraps. Fortunately, the cover story of a sewer main rupture seemed to be working so far, but in the privacy of his disgusted thoughts, the century-old mayor thoroughly expressed his irritation in a pungent mental comment that seemed to cover every possible meaning for today's bizarre Hellmouth event:

*What a load of crap!*

Back in the library, while being spitefully ignored by his so-called friends, who were themselves trying to control their stomachs against the reek of a thousand overturned outhouses, Xander Harris painfully shifted in his chair, and he again regretted the utter necessity that had taken place last night. It might not have been the wisest thing to do, yanking out a mature scrub oak tree by its roots from out of the ground next to where he was squatting, and next using this fully-grown woody plant for something which nature had never truly intended for this tree. But then, it wasn't like there'd been around, on a handy receptacle half-buried in a hillside, an entire semitrailer load of Charmin toilet paper.


	11. A Shock To The System

Faith knew they were now all really fucked.

After B tossed that piece of glass to slice off English-bitch's arm, the Glove of Myneghon fell to the floor, and then this metal gauntlet promptly sent out a blast of lightning which finished off the job by reducing the rest of a screaming Gwendolyn Post into ashes. During all this, Faith allowed herself a spiteful moment to hope that the death of the woman who'd falsely claimed to be her Watcher and manipulated the Slayer in her charge had lasted long enough for it to hurt as much as possible.

The savage satisfaction Faith had taken from her betrayer's demise didn't last very long, though. Not when that magical artifact then started shooting out even _more_ lightning, as if it was now completely out of control. Aside from the numerous streams of electrical bolts that grounded themselves throughout the mansion's room, gouging out small craters in the stone floors, walls, and ceiling wherever they struck, the glove also spewed out a couple of webs of crackling electrical energy that stuck to various parts of the room. Unfortunately, two of these hazardous tangles now entirely covered the only exits out of here, which were the door and the skylight.

Desperately looking over some kind of stone altar where she was taking shelter, Faith saw that everyone else there - B, Red, Boytoy, and Fang - were also trapped and unable to move around through the intense lightning. To make matters even worse those deadly lances of electricity were beginning to _increase _in both their numbers and their force. Glancing around in a futile search for some way to escape which she hadn't already found two minutes ago, a flicker of motion caught Faith's eye. Turning her head, the Boston-born Slayer stared in horror at Xander Harris rising to his feet, and then advancing towards the center of the room where the Glove of Myneghon continued to produce its blasts of lightning.

In his first couple of steps, Xander was directly hit by at least a dozen lightning bolts, any one of them having the same power of the initial strike that had killed Gwendolyn Post.

As if nothing at all had happened, Xander kept on walking.

Ignoring everyone else, Faith watched this in her utter shock, particularly when Xander reached the glove on the floor, stopped before this, and then bent down to grab the weapon. In a stupendous detonation of white light that left Faith blinking away glowing afterimages, she peered past these to see Xander now standing in the middle of the room. Cradling the Glove of Myneghon in his arms, the young man's entire body was presently covered with jagged coils and lines of sizzling energy. Lifting the supernatural gauntlet over his head, Xander held it there for a moment…and in another huge thunderclap, every bit of lightning shot upwards through the skylight to disappear into the heavens.

Her mouth wide open in wonder, Faith brought her head down from gaping at the smoking hole in the ceiling, to see where Xander was also gently smoldering while swaying on his feet in the room's center. He appeared to be exactly like a classic Warner Brothers cartoon character who'd somehow survived an absolutely preposterous explosion, with scorched and tattered clothes, a burned-black face, and spiky hair. Gazing blankly ahead, Xander opened his mouth, and he coughed out a perfect smoke ring, following this with a disbelieving, "Whooooaaaahhhh…"

Right after that, the teenage boy glanced down at what he continued to clutch in his arms, the Glove of Myneghon that still had inside itself the severed hand and forearm of Ms. Post. The instant he remembered this little bit of information, a very grossed-out Xander promptly dumped his burden onto the floor and he started frantically wiping the palms of his hands upon the front of his shirt, sending bits of charred cloth flying, all to the sounds of this young man's disgusted, "Yuck! Yuck! Yuck!"

Coming out from the back of the stone whatever she'd been hiding behind, Faith was about to get right over there and demand from Boytoy what the hell all that had been about. However, the brunette girl was beaten in this by B and Red, who'd scrambled over to cluster around their friend. Even Fang had warily approached while starting to incredulously regard somebody he seriously disliked, just as if Xander had suddenly grown another head. Seeing that she'd have to wait her turn, Faith then felt an utterly unexpected wave of bitterness flood into her mind.

Edging her way past the others, none of whom paid any attention to her while Boytoy was telling them about some guy called Garth Ranzz, Faith left the room to go through the mansion, and she finally made her way outside. Stubbornly refusing to allow the tears appearing at the corners of her eyes to trickle down her cheeks, Faith angrily swiped at her face, and then the Slayer started the long trudge back to her crappy motel room.

This was the last fuckin' straw. What happened back there, at Angel's Crawford Street mansion, had to be just another stupid case of Sunnydale weirdness that nobody bothered telling the new girl about, not a single word. Of course not. After all, it wasn't like the other Scoobies had even bothered earlier to talk to Faith in the first place. About such things, like why she didn't already have a Watcher, so that a goddamn fake could show up and fool everyone. Or why she had to stay on her own in a horrible dive that gave other dives a bad name. Or…somethin', somethin', somethin'.

No more. Nobody cared, nobody better expect Faith to care, and nobody was gonna make her do anythin' she didn't want to. Ever again.

It was at that point where Faith Lehane silently vowed to herself the claim she'd later repeat to Buffy Summers: "I'm on my side. That's enough."


	12. Walkin' In A Winter Wonderland

"Bah, humbug!" snarled Xander Harris at the Santa Claus display inside the front shop window of a closed store in the deserted Sunnydale downtown business district well into the night hours. Right after saying this, a deeply-worried frown abruptly appeared upon the young man's face, clearly shown in the window reflection, as Xander then nervously looked over his shoulder. This _was_ the Hellmouth after all, and you always had to be careful of just what came out of your mouth while living here.

Fortunately, unlike a certain Dickens short novel, three ghosts representing the Christmases of the past, present, and future didn't suddenly appear behind Xander, with their transparent forms drifting a few inches over the baking city sidewalks. Feeling very relieved at somehow avoiding yet another opportunity to be the Boca del Infierno's favorite butt-monkey, Xander returned to his intense glower of disgust at the shop window showing off a happy celebration of the holiday season, expressing best wishes to every family out there delighting in each other's company.

"Yeah, suuuure," cynically drawled the high school student, wiping away the sweat from his forehead that was the result of the heat wave scorching the whole town and breaking temperature records even right now, shortly before sunrise on Christmas Day. Shoving his hands deep in his jeans pockets, Xander continued his sullen stroll through the business district. After a few hours of wandering through the night, this area was where he'd finally ended up, and just like every place else, Xander was the only person in sight, human or otherwise. Which was a real pity, since at this exact moment, the Scooby Gang member was in the perfectly foul mood to get into a fight with somebody, anybody at all.

Okay, if that did actually happen with some vamp or other demon wandering by, he'd undoubtedly get his ass kicked. Big deal. It'd _still_ be the best part of his otherwise lousy night so far.

Right on schedule, just like it'd come up in his discussion earlier yesterday with Willow and Cordelia, his folks had started their usual drunken Christmas fights. Only this time, it'd been even louder and nastier than he could ever remember, probably due to the heat. In the end, Xander had been forced to leave the backyard where he'd been trying to sleep, thinking that maybe a walk around the neighborhood would pass the time until his boozehound parents finally collapsed into their normal alcoholic stupor.

Except, during his ensuing amble down the deserted Sunnydale streets despite knowing how dangerous this was, every time Xander considered heading back to the house, he didn't particularly feel like it. Instead, he kept on walking, which resulted in him eventually winding up here in the business district. Which, from the looks of things, had gone completely overboard as usual, with their numerous decorations, blinking lights, and ornaments bedecking the stores in their yearly attempts to yank out as much cash as possible from the pockets of Christmas shoppers.

"Ho-ho-ho, Mr. Xander!" sarcastically intoned the teenager out loud in a mock-jovial bass far deeper than his usual voice, that went on to further declare, "You've been such a good little boy that I'm sure there'll be no problem with you getting whatever you want for this Christmas! Now, if you'll just give me a hint or two, my elves at the North Pole will get to work right away, and before you know it, there'll be a nice, big present under your tree for you to find early in the morning!"

Smirking to himself as he continued to saunter down the empty sidewalk, Xander then opened his eyes as wide as possible in a truly innocent look, followed by uttering in a childish, high-pitched squeak, "Gosh, Santa, last year's present of a dozen Playboy Playmates gave me so many hours of fun that I'm still fooling around with 'em all! No, what I'd like for you to do is to give the most gosh-darn amazing reward to, to-"

A bemused look flashed over Xander's face at that point when he paused, not exactly sure of what to say next in his satirical conversation with himself. An instant later, a very malicious grin lifted the corners of the young man's mouth, as he once more piped, "To Angel, my bestest friend in the whole wide world!"

Beginning to snigger under his breath, Xander gleefully continued in his little-boy-on-helium imitation, "Oh, Santa, that handsome vampire with the big hair that could consume a year's production of mousse in one go, he really, really needs something new to brood about! Why, if you can believe it, over the last week, he told me he had a whole ten minutes during that time when he never got around to feeling sorry for himself! So, please, please, please, on Christmas Day, I want you to…"

Trailing off to heighten the dramatic tension, Xander now possessed an actual evil glint in his eyes when he was just about to come out with something truly ghastly as a gift for the demon with a soul that this young human deeply loathed. However, in the next second, Xander completely forgot what he'd been about to say, as a sudden shimmer of pure white light appeared over his entire body.

Instantly halting in his tracks when the unexpected illumination faded away as swiftly as it'd come into existence, Xander cautiously looked down at himself, to then sigh in utter resignation at seeing there an entirely new outfit instead of his sneakers, jeans, and t-shirt of a moment ago. Being all too familiar now with this experience, Xander simply muttered, "Okay, who am I _this_ time?"

Glancing to his left, the Scooby Gang member going through yet another manifestation of someone from the Legion of Super-Heroes frowned at his new face shown in the image mirrored there upon the shop window. Reaching up to touch what was covering his head, Xander tried to remember exactly which of those 30th century costumed adventurers normally dressed up in a fur-trimmed cap, a one-piece purple outfit with more fur at the collar, wrists, upper ankles, and waist, and a design on his chest which looked like…(nah, that can't be right)…an _icicle?_

Gawking at this bizarre emblem, Xander abruptly arrived at the correct conclusion, helped along by the fact he also physically felt something different for the first time since Sunnydale's heat wave started: Cold.

"Well, I'll be damned. Polar Boy!" Grinning at his window reflection smiling back, Xander chuckled, "Yeah, you started out running the Legion of Substitute Heroes, but you eventually made it to the big time, pal, joining the other, more-respected Legion."

Idly holding up his index finger before his face, Xander mused to himself, "Lessee, you had super-cold ice and freezing powers that got pretty impressive at the end, so I should be able to…" Without finishing that sentence, Xander quickly pointed his finger at the sidewalk in front of his boots, to then concentrate for a moment.

A thin, white ray of vapor shot out from Xander's fingertip, striking the surface of the concrete, and right after this, a sheet of ice silently formed on top of the sidewalk for about ten feet further on down the street. His mouth falling open in awed delight, Xander absently switched off his powers, letting his hand fall to the side of his body, as the proud young man eyed what he'd just done. After a second's consideration, Xander then carefully stepped forward onto the ice sheet.

Cautiously testing his footing, the high school student found out his boots gave him sufficient traction to walk along the ice without slipping. During this, Xander enjoyed the faint crunching of his footsteps upon the upper surface of what provided to be an inch of ice. Coming to the end of his ice sheet, Xander stepped back onto the sidewalk, and then he turned around to smirk downwards at what was already beginning to melt on the warm concrete.

Scratching his chin while also luxuriating at feeling cool for the first time in days, Xander wondered what to do next. It'd sure be fun to coat in ice the entire downtown area, especially since he was positive he had more than enough freezing power to do that, as part of a really glorious prank. Snickering to himself at the possible reactions of whomever showed up here right now in 90-degree weather only to then find themselves in an environment far better expected somewhere north of the Arctic Circle, Xander suddenly felt a little let down at realizing the evident drawbacks of this plan. For one, he was still the only person around, and besides even if he did it, freezing up the whole place, it'd probably all melt before anybody else came along.

So, what else could he do. *Hmmm. Well, just a few minutes ago, you were looking for a fight…*

Five seconds later: "YOO HOO, ALL YOU OOGLY-BOOGLYS! FRESH, JUICY HUMAN RIGHT HERE, TOPPED UP WITH THE RED STUFF AND CHOCK-FULL OF VITAMINS AND OTHER GOODIES! GET HIM BEFORE ANYTHING ELSE DOES!"

Standing in the middle of the deserted street, a very tight grin on his face after yelling out his ludicrous taunt to any demon presently in the vicinity, Xander eagerly wiggled his fingers held down at this sides, getting ready to freeze solid any slavering monster who had the decency to show up. The young man waited…

And waited…

And waited…

Finally throwing up his hands in pure frustration when absolutely nothing happened for a full five minutes, Xander stalked back to the sidewalk, to then lean with one shoulder against a building wall while folding his arms across his chest. Indignantly muttering to himself, Xander grumbled, "Typical! Any other time, and I couldn't walk around without tripping over a Big Bad! But no, when you really want to take them on, they all suddenly have other plans, and you can't even turn _one_ goddamn blood-drinker into a vampicle!"

Xander's dejection only increased further when the morose teenager inwardly checked for how much longer he'd still be Polar Boy. Judging from how it felt, he had barely a couple more minutes before changing back to his normal, no-powers body. Decided that during this to start heading home, a very grumpy Xander straightened up from the wall, only to then become utterly stock-still when a real inspiration abruptly burst into existence inside his mind.

Once more walking out into the middle of the empty street, Xander vertically lifted high both arms, holding these in a V-shape. Every finger outstretched and pointing directly upwards at the cloudless night sky just beginning to turn from full dark into a lighter grey, Polar Boy closed his eyes, and he now _willed_ with every bit of concentration possible for him to create what he truly desired.

An unknown time later, Xander found himself kneeling on the street asphalt, feeling totally drained. His head hanging low, a weary teenager could see right away that he'd gotten back his ordinary, 20th century clothes. Not paying all that much attention while lurching upright in the gloom surrounding the street, Xander rubbed at his face, with all the usual bits there once more in their familiar feel. Except, when he brought down his hand, the tip of his nose suddenly felt a tiny sting of pure…frigidity?

Suddenly focusing into the distance beyond at head level, Xander gawked at witnessing in the slow drift downwards to the ground not just one, but two - and a dozen - and a few hundred - and finally, what could be called nothing but innumerable snowflakes.

Looking up at the pitch-black clouds that had all of a sudden appeared to completely cover the Sunnydale sky from horizon to horizon, Xander started to uncontrollably laugh, despite also beginning to shiver in the chilly air that had just dropped at least seventy degrees in several seconds. For the first time in Xander's entire life, the Southern California native opened his mouth, and he tasted his first snowflake.

That was forever one of the best memories Xander Harris ever had of living in Sunnydale. It even almost made up for the occasion a bit later, when the young man with a smidgen of Chaos magic inside himself learned at last what else had occurred in the California city early during Christmas Day. How Angel the vampire had decided to commit suicide to atone for the atrocities done by the demon controlling his body. Despite Buffy Summers' entreaties, the Irish undead had walked out of his Crawford Street mansion, expecting to greet the rising sun that would turn him into ashes. Only instead, he and Buffy found themselves without any warning or expectation in the middle of a freak sheltering snowstorm.

Nobody else in the Scooby Gang ever understood why such a romantic development made Xander hate the December 25th holiday even _more._


	13. Alas, In His Case, The Myth Is True

Buffy Summers looked down at where her foot was nailed to the floor.

Performing a graceful display of feminine suppleness, the blonde girl bent double at the waist, keeping her legs straight and leaving her butt held high in the air in her best leather pants. In this position, Buffy intently examined the object an inch from her face that was protruding from the top of her right shoe.

This shoe was one of an hideously expensive pair, which got put on sale by mistake last week so that Buffy had to fight off two other women in the shoe store who'd also spotted at the same time the splendiferous prize displayed on the counter, which turned out to fit perfectly and absolutely comfortably the little tootsies of Mrs. Summers' only daughter.

That shoe was now totally _ruined._

Delicately gripping with her thumb and forefinger the slender object which had effortlessly penetrated both her shoe and three inches of the concrete floor below, Buffy slowly yanked this out, and the Slayer felt the ultra-sharp object she was removing brush against the inner sides of her first two toes. Pulling free the weapon making a lucky, one-in-a-million hit a few seconds ago on her foot in such a way to leave her completely unharmed, Buffy straightened up, and she felt her vision slowly blur into red mists of pure fury as she glared at Xander Harris.

The guy who'd done this to her shoe.

Holding up the stiff barb she was still gripping to point it directly at the paling Scooby Gang member, Buffy glided forward, the enraged thundering of her heartbeat easily drowning out the anxious gabble from Xander. About someone called Porcupine Pete, how he didn't really get around to improving his aim until much later in the comics, and listen, Buffster, there's no way I could've avoided being changed by Chaos magic in this exact situation!

As he rattled off his latest justification, Xander also frantically waved an arm in the general direction of the enormously obese body of Balthazar the demon dissolving in his water-filled tank, trying to direct Buffy's attention back to their latest victory. There, that unholy creature resembling a diseased beachball the size of a car had just been punctured with a hundred or so spikes fired off by Xander in the short time he'd been Porcupine Pete. Continuing to retreat from the slowly advancing girl, Xander wondered if he could get away with asking Buffy if she hadn't ever been tempted to jab a needle into an inflated balloon, just to see what would happen.

Looking right into the homicidal expression now displayed upon the Slayer's face, the young man sensibly decided it was a lost cause, so he spun around and Xander proceeded to run like hell. The only thing slowing him down was the need to dodge when necessary around the rest of the thousand or so _other_ spikes peppering the entire factory. All due to an appalling lack of accuracy from a member of the Legion of Substitute Heroes, alas.

During his terrified flight, Xander groused under his breath, "Dammit, now I'm turning into _those_ guys? What, did my Chaos magic decide the other superheroes weren't providing enough fun and started branching out? Gee, what are the odds?"

Patiently tracking down her doomed prey, Buffy continued her composed stroll after him, knowing sooner or later she'd catch the vile shoe-destroyer known as Xander, and then she'd use the prickly quill in her hand to sufficiently express her displeasure by poking him with this many times.

Many, many, many times.


	14. I've Got Sunshine On A Cloudy Day

Tightly bound to his chair, a very glum Xander Harris did another mental recitation listing the rest of the unpleasant details regarding his present captivity:

1. The duct tape over his mouth.

2. The pillowcase covering his entire head and completely rendering useless his vision, along with most of his hearing.

3. Worse of all, the fact that he'd fallen into the clutches of a quartet of absolute lunatics.

Surreptitiously testing once more the ropes keeping him prisoner, as if by any chance in the last two minutes they'd miraculously become looser, Xander then heard through the pillowcase the muffled voice of someone sounding mildly concerned. Clearly seeing what he'd just been attempting, the voice asked, "Do you think he'll do it now?"

Xander instantly indicated with both of his hands, that were the only parts of his entire body capable of moving more than an inch or two, this young man's answer to not only that last question, but also his entire pissed-off state of mind to every one of the four people he knew were sharing the room with him. Another, much more amused voice noted, "Judging by that double middle-finger gesture he's giving us, I'd say no."

"He should be more polite," came a rather menacing voice from a third person. "It isn't all that smart to annoy someone with _lots_ of experience in persuading people totally at their mercy to follow instructions."

"Knock it off!" ordered the final member of the group detaining Xander. "You can catch more flies with honey than… Uh, how does that saying end, anyway?"

"Who cares?" retorted the voice of the amused one (referring to the second person who'd spoken). "Besides, you know we offered him right from the start a really fair price, and he turned us down flat."

That provoked a very indignant response from the first speaker, who'd changed from concerned into actual irascibility. "Only because blabbermouth there spilled the beans, right in the middle of your first offer, about what we wanted! So, naturally, he passed up the case of Twinkies and instead went for something we wouldn't do!"

"Quit blaming me! You're just mad because _I_ don't mind," grumbled the menacing one, adding a sniff of sheer superiority after this. "Not after so long. Though, I still can't see why it's necessary for us to do this in the first place, or even why you're so dead set against it, when all he asked was to-"

Buffy Summers roared at the top of her lungs, "HE'S NOT GONNA GET TO SEE ALL OF US STARK NAKED!"

In the next several moments of absolute silence after that extraordinary bellow from the Slayer, four girls stood around in the living room of the house at 1630 Revello Drive, with every window curtain there drawn to provide complete privacy for these young women presently wearing not a single stitch among themselves. With very mixed feelings, Buffy, Cordelia, Willow, and Anya watched the pillowcase-covered head of Xander Harris rapidly bob up and down, as this gagged male enthusiastically nodded his head in unyielding determination that either his price got paid, or he wouldn't do squat.

Glancing at each other while otherwise ignoring their nudity, various looks of exasperation were traded among the quartet. Finally, Willow appealed in the direction of their blind prisoner, who cocked his head at that familiar voice of concern coming from somebody trying to appeal to his finer feelings. "Listen, Xan, the prom's tomorrow, and we all want to look our best. But we also don't have any other chance of getting an all-over tan before then, not with the crummy weather we've been having-"

Cordelia broke into the redhead's plea with a noticeably irritated tone that had replaced any previous trace of amusement. "Plus, every single tanning studio in town is already booked solid, and there's no time to go anyplace else, what with the other things we've got to do - hair, fittings, manicures-"

"Cheesegrater!" Anya happily announced, only to look around in surprise at the glances of utter disbelief coming her way. Sighing, the former vengeance demon went on to explain in a matter-of-fact tone far scarier than any menacing gloat, "There's a little trick you can do with this to his toes that'll make him instantly fall in line-"

"Quit it, Anya!" again snapped Buffy. Glowering at the chair occupied by a young man that several minutes ago she'd tied, gagged, and blindfolded, the Slayer finally had enough. Rapping out her next words, Buffy informed him, "Okay, Xander, here's how it's gonna go. You either use your Sun Boy powers you got earlier to give us a great tan that'll make us look good for the prom, or…we won't do anything to you right now."

Imperiously going on despite the sudden mutters of incredulity coming from the other girls, Buffy told an intently listening Xander (who'd never dreamed his latest manifestation of one of the Legion of Super-Heroes would lead to this), "Yeah, you can burn off those ropes and other stuff any time you want, getting free and catching sight of us all stripped to the buff. Something no other guy in the world's ever seen. Just remember two things before you do it: That's Mom's favorite chair you're gonna damage, not to mention sooner or later, your new comic-book stuff _will_ wear off. But, we'll still be here, each of us with a really big grudge against you. So, do you wanna be a nice little Xander, or do we just leave you there, get dressed, and go off to plot together in making your life a living hell?"

Standing there proudly under the admiring eyes of the others, Buffy and the rest then watched Xander's shoulders slowly slump in total surrender, which in turn didn't really need the resigned nod that came afterwards. Managing to speak with only the faintest trace of smug triumph in her tone, Buffy now instructed, "Fine. Wait until we're in position, and then you can start."

In one of his most dejected moods ever, Xander lifted his hands, holding them fingers straight up and palms facing outwards. He knew that the four girls would now be arranging themselves in a line abreast (the teenager couldn't help but to softly whimper at the instant mental image this produced) in front of his chair. The young women would then keep their arms horizontal, with their fingertips nearly touching those standing next to themselves. A second later, Xander heard Buffy call out, "Okay, do your thing!"

Concentrating, the recipient of a smidgen of Chaos magic after a Halloween years ago now called up the solar-based powers of the superhero known as Dirk Morgna, which caused his hands to brightly glow in the perfect mix of the electromagnetic spectrum that would create a sufficient, safe quantity of ultraviolet rays. All to cause a nice, even tan upon the bare skins of the four unclad girls currently turning in a slow circle in place to make sure every inch of their flawless bodies-

In a very offhand tone, Buffy asked, "Hey, Cordy, is that a Brazilian?"

Xander nearly bit through his gag.

* * *

Author's Note: The following English translation is from _Tumbalalaika,_ a Russian Jewish folk and love song in the Yiddish language, whose authorship is uncertain.

_A young lad stands, and he thinks  
__Thinks and thinks a whole night  
W__hom to take and not to shame  
__Whom to take and not to shame_

_Tumbala, Tumbala, Tumbalalaika  
__Tumbala, Tumbala, Tumbalalaika  
__Tumbalalaika, strum balalaika  
__Tumbalalaika, may we be happy_

_Girl, girl, I want to ask of you  
__What can grow, grow without rain?  
__What can burn and never end?  
__What can yearn, cry without tears?_

_Foolish lad, why do you have to ask?  
__A stone can grow, grow without rain  
__Love can burn and never end  
__A heart can yearn, cry without tears_

_What is higher than a house?  
__What is swifter than a mouse?  
__What is deeper than a well?  
__What is bitter, more bitter than gall?_

_A chimney is higher than a house  
__A cat is swifter than a mouse  
__The Torah is deeper than a well  
__Death is bitter, more bitter than gall_


	15. Sacrifices Must Be Made

His face a mask of stunned horror, the short, bald man looked up at the gigantic snake presently curled in its coils on the commencement stage, a monster that a few moments ago had been Mayor Richard Wilkins III. Just seconds before, this folksy, well-mannered politician had unbelievably transformed into an enormous reptile, right at the same time an unforeseen eclipse had taken place, darkening the vicinity. Anybody who had the slightest acquaintance with Principal Snyder might have expected what happened next, as this panicked school administrator then did the most stupid thing imaginable, running towards the stage while shouting incoherently at the top of his lungs. Perhaps Snyder was threatening this would be going on somebody's permanent record. In any event, all that was accomplished by the most desperate member of the Hair Club for Men was to quickly attract Wilkins' attention.

Lunging his massive, scaled head towards the puny human which had just stopped dead in his tracks on the stage as if just realizing how much of an idiot he was, the Olvikan demon opened wide his fanged jaws in a gaping maw that easily gobbled Principal Snyder in one swallow. As Wilkins lifted his upper body back up, the descending lump in the snake's throat was easily discernable to every member of tonight's graduating class of Sunnydale High while these students frantically pulled out the smuggled weapons from under their commencement robes.

Regarding Snyder, this same person was still alive inside the snake, despite the absolute blackness, crushing pressure, and scorching digestive acids, the last of which was mysteriously failing to consume the human as he smirkingly congratulated himself:

*Sucker.*

* * *

An hour earlier, a grumbling R. Snyder had been summoned to the front door of his home by a very firm knock upon this panel by an unknown visitor, who then rang the doorbell far too long. He didn't have _time_ for this, not when he was leaving right away for tonight's commencement! Putting a customary scowl on his face, Snyder yanked open the door, about to thoroughly harangue whatever impolite person was presenting standing upon his threshold in full daylight, only to confront there…his exact double.

Mouth falling open in utter disbelief, Snyder then had that exact part of his body abruptly slammed shut by the powerful uppercut which unerringly landed on the sweet spot of the principal's chin, instantly knocking him out. Collapsing to the hallway floor, the most detested staff member of SHS clearly wouldn't be coming around for the next couple of hours, at the very least.

Absently rubbing his bruised knuckles, the other Principal Snyder now strolled into the house, stepping over the comatose body of his perfect twin. Bending down to grab the collar of the limp man, that unconscious individual was dragged further into the residence until there was room for the front door to be closed, which was promptly done. Turning back to regard with a malignant gleam in his beady eyes at the helpless victim lying upon the ground, the upright Principal Snyder then ruefully sighed to himself, "Dammit, if I'd known about this just a bit sooner, I could've brought along some superglue and Buffy's spare makeup kit!"

Shaking his head over priceless lost opportunities, Xander Harris in his Chameleon Boy persona then went off in search of some rope, or failing that, a couple of bedsheets or towels to be torn into restraints. Five minutes' work later, the original Snyder was wrapped like a mummy and roughly deposited into his bed. Disdainfully making sure there was no possibility of his least-favorite principal suffocating, Xander then headed towards the garage while mentally adding an item to the list of his to-do plans for the day. Hopefully, a couple of hours from now, a phone call would be anonymously made to the cops about a bound and gagged Snyder. Of course, he and the rest of the Scoobies needed to be alive after their graduation ceremony for that to happen, but, hey, ol' Baldy would just have to pray things worked out for the best. If not…

Shrugging, Xander slid into his principal's car (a Volvo, naturally), pushed the garage-door opener button, and started the vehicle. While waiting for the door to fully open so he could drive to the school, Xander allowed himself a minor measure of revenge by changing the radio settings to Sunnydale's classic 'ROCK YEAH ROCK!' station and flipping this to its full volume. Wrenching the gear lever into reverse without showing any mercy whatsoever for the transmission, Xander stomped on the accelerator, and he peeled rubber backwards. A moment later, the car was hurtling down the formerly quiet street, as somebody remarkably resembling Principal Snyder stuck their head out of the open driver's side window, and loudly serenaded the suburban neighborhood in chorus with the radio blasting a window-rattling version of 'Good Golly Miss Molly' done by Little Richard at his gettin'-down best.

* * *

Curled up inside the giant snake, Xander felt his unharmed body come to a rest, which meant he'd probably reached the stomach of the monster that had just consumed him. In the very next instant, the Olvikan demon started moving forward, all according to plan. True, Xander had to come up with everything on the fly while behaving earlier in the commencement exactly like Snyder normally would have done so. Fortunately, the Scooby Gang member already had a pretty fair idea how to imitate the principal, and it seemed to have worked out nicely: just suck up to every superior in the area and treat anybody else like pond scum. Glaring at some stray students while forcefully jotting down notes on a spare graduation program was also the perfect cover, along with next surreptitiously passing this piece of paper along to Rupert Giles containing the written explanations for what had happened to Xander, his current disguise, and what was going to next occur, assuming everybody obeyed their new instructions.

Feeling a thump as the snake dropped off the stage, Xander grinned in the dark, knowing that the crowd of students, their families, and the other members of the audience had just backed up, weapons ready against the possibility of being attacked by the Mayor's forces consisting of additional hostile Sunnydale demons and vampires, all summoned and protected by the eclipse. It was a real pity that earlier the Chaos magic from the long-ago Halloween which had transformed him today into the character from the DC Comics' Legion of Super-Heroes wouldn't allow Xander to use Chameleon Boy's power to change into any imaginable, utterly destructive alien creature and then shred Wilkins into tiny mayor pieces without having to go through the graduation ceremony in the first place. Unfortunately, the politician was still totally invulnerable until he actually became a real demon that could then only be killed by a volcano or some other serious natural catastrophe.

Of course, once that Mayor McSnake had made such a dumb move like swallowing Xander whole, this young man could now turn into a Chameleon Boy special, right from the comics. Such as…a Mercury Volcano Bear. Xander hastily visualized that planet's totally fictional and unique life form which utilized its innate magnetic fields to gather around itself and then shape into a protecting exoskeleton from solid layers of previously molten lava that still retained stupendously-scorching temperatures. Concentrating, he then made the little mental twist that would instantly change Principal Snyder into three tons of sentient, red-hot rock.

The entire Scooby Gang and the rest of the students in the know about Sunnydale, all who'd been briefed about tonight's events, were desperately reassuring those formerly unaware family members and other elements of the crowd of humans. Everyone was urged to hold still and stay calm. If there was a general panic and the entire crowd stampeded, the vampires and demons a few dozen yards away standing in a line and hungrily eyeing their prey would instantly attack, ripping into those fleeing for their lives. Shouting as loudly as they could, Giles, Buffy, Willow, Cordelia, and even Oz all said the same thing, just a few seconds more and it'd be-

The snake screamed.

Everyone's head, either human or demon, twisted around to stare in shock at that bellow of sheer agony, as they all incredulously watched the huge reptile holding its upper body vertically while howling upwards to the sky, with actual steam spewing from between the gaping jaws. In the very next second, as boiling body fluids reached their flashpoint, there came a vast but still muffled explosion, with the center of the snake violently bursting apart.

The whole crowd, including Spike and his minions, promptly dove for cover. Gobbets of demonic flesh came plummeting down among these people, ranging from fist-sized pieces to bloody chunks larger than suitcases. The two biggest remnants of the Olvikan demon, consisting of the head and tail, were thrown away from each other, causing the ground to shudder as these multi-ton fragments hit the earth. After a few seconds of stunned immobility caused by the unexpected detonation, the onlookers warily lifted themselves up from where they were cowering. Hastily glancing around, it was seen by everyone that nobody looked to be actually injured by the organic debris, but not a single bit of clothing had escaped unscathed. Various sounds of severe disgust were vociferously expressed, until an overwhelming roar abruptly brought their attention back to the spot where Mayor Wilkins had recently gone to that great big reptile house in the sky.

There, standing in the middle of a serpent's dissolving corpse, the colossal stone bear loomed. Ten feet high and covered in rocky plates that had heat ripples rising from the surface of this natural armor, lines of glowing red cracks covering the plates matched the equally scarlet inner radiance lighting this bear's eyes and open mouth, as it continued to deafeningly announce its victory.

From behind the gawking mob, there came the sound of running feet, and all there, including the Slayer and her group, then apprehensively spun around, ready for an expected attack from the Billy Idol look-alike and his gang. Instead, the Scooby Gang now stared at the retreating backs of every single demon running away as fast as they could. See, from Spike down to the lowliest underling, it was sensibly decided there was no bloody point in continuing a hopeless cause, what with their leader blowing up, and all that. As for the soddin' teddy bear over there, who could both crush and bake any member of their fiendish company with a damn hug…oh, bollocks. No, best to find the deepest hole possible and spend a good while lying low.

Still in his Chameleon Boy alien ursine form, Xander began to nonchalantly edge away from the very relieved crowd that was still looking off in the other direction. Thank god for that, given Xander could feel the Chaos magic which had turned him into a Legion of Super-Heroes member starting to wear off. So, it was well past time for their oversized rescuer to somehow sneak away and find a reasonably private place in order to change back into a normal human guy. Successfully ducking behind the commencement stage, Xander wryly mused on exactly how things were going to be explained about every bit of what had happened today. A gas explosion, probably, accompanied by the fumes which had caused everyone to have really, really vivid hallucinations of giant snakes and bears and whatnot.

A truly glum thought then also occurred to the teenager who'd just graduated from Sunnydale High: in all this, they'd never actually gotten around to blowing up their school. Crap. Now they were going to have to get back in there and defuse all the volatiles the Scooby Gang had previously hidden in the building, as part of their original plan in dealing with the Mayor. Which in turn lead to a more pressing question. Such as, how the hell were they going to safely dispose of a couple of thousand pounds of ANFO whipped up by Soldier-Boy?

In a sudden shimmer of light, Xander looked down to find himself considerably closer to the ground and once again in possession of his regular body, while standing in the middle of a circle of scorched earth. As the teenager's head came up, a genuinely evil inspiration abruptly presented itself to Xander. Yeah, they had to get rid of every scrap of boom-stuff, and, hey, there was an absolutely perfect place for this, not to mention it would be easy-peasy to talk the other Scoobies into it, and frankly, it wouldn't trouble his conscience at _all _to frame Principal Snyder for possessing enough high explosives to blow up the Rock of Gibraltar…


	16. Attention, People: Here's A Question

Inside the peaceful Sunnydale High library that had remained intact after last month's graduation, Rupert Giles worked on his latest monograph for the Watchers' Council records. The last few weeks had been remarkably prolific for the school librarian, now that he had a rare period of undisturbed quiet to devote to his scholarly endeavors. He hadn't been this creative since being employed by the British Museum, and as Giles put down his pen to flex his fingers, the mature man found himself regretting his vacation would eventually come to an end.

* * *

But then, the entire Scooby Gang welcomed their own chances to take time off during the summer. Among them, Xander went on his cross-country road trip, Willow had been talked by Oz into going on tour with his band, and even Buffy managed to travel on combined vacation/business trips with her mother to help find artwork for that older Summers woman's store. All this was possible because the Hellmouth and its demonic population had been surprisingly tranquil ever since a certain politician had regrettably perished in an accidental death while making a speech in front of the graduating Sunnydale Class of '99. Or so the newspapers claimed.

In reality, Giles knew that while virtually all of the human witnesses, other than the Scoobies, had in the end been affected by Sunnydale Syndrome to forget just what they'd undergone, this didn't apply to any of the demons that had also been there. Once it'd been realized by various creatures that Wilkins' demise had left vacant the position of ruler of the Hellmouth, these monsters began jockeying with each other, all determined to make themselves the ultimate master of the Boca del Infierno. Frenzied maneuvering, politicking, bribing, and the odd assassination or two had broken out among every demonic clan, tribe, and societal group living in Sunnydale. However, in the main, actual conflict had been avoided, what with their leaders realizing that they needed to husband their resources and maintain the stalemate among everyone, until it finally came time for a successful attack upon their foes. Which meant for once, it was actually safe for humans to go out at night in the California city. Well…safer, anyway.

This also meant there was remarkably little work for a blonde warrior woman. After the start of summer, Buffy was beginning to go nearly crazy from sheer boredom. With her friends gone and only an occasional vampire to be staked (usually the latest fledglings and the total bunglers who hadn't already been hired by the demon mobs), plus the rest of the monsters were hiding in their lairs while otherwise occupied in plotting against each other instead of normally trying to Take Over The World, an idle Slayer was becoming a very cranky Slayer.

It soon became so bad that Giles received two telephone calls in a row. One was from Willy No-Name, owner and barkeep of the scuzziest demon tavern in town, the Alibi Room. Begging through swollen lips, this rat in human form actually pled with Giles to control his Slayer, who'd started finishing off her monotonous patrols by dropping in at the bar and beating up all the monsters there simply to relieve her irritation, without even bothering to ask them for information. Hell, at this point, every customer would have been more than willing to tell Buffy Summers anything she wanted to know. Just stop with the hitting and kicking, already!

When Giles had been recovering from the first phone message, he speedily had another call from someone he knew and liked far more than his first caller. A very concerned Joyce Summers had asked the Englishman if he knew why her daughter had been in such a bad mood lately. At that exact moment, Rupert Giles was struck with an absolutely wonderful inspiration that eventually brought him a great deal of satisfaction. After briefly commiserating with Joyce, the librarian then politely asked her to expect a call from him later on with a possible solution to this mother's difficulties.

After a surprised Mrs. Summers had agreed and hung up, Giles made another quick call, this time to Willy himself, who was justifiably suspicious about being on the phone with the Slayer's Watcher so soon again. The barkeeper's distrustful mood improved markedly when Giles explained that he could see his way to changing Buffy's patrolling in order to keep her from regularly visiting Willy's Alibi Room - on the sole condition that the proprietor and his entire fiendish clientele secretly passed onto the Englishman every single scrap of information concerning their knowledge of what was presently going on around the Hellmouth.

Willy was _more_ than willing to agree. The little slimeball cheerfully promised to set up at once a pipeline into the entire demonic underworld. "You bet, Mr. Giles! Anything you want to know! Soon's as I hear it, any move by one or more of the big boys is gonna get told to you right away!"

Learning he'd have to deal much less often in the future with a tiny blonde having very hard fists was the best news Willy had heard in years. The thrilled bar owner's resulting giddy mood wasn't even brought down by Giles then delivering in a very cold and menacing tone the threat of "-putting your cleaned and trepanned skull on my desk and using it as an inkwell."

Instead, Willy gushingly assured a stern librarian that the barkeep knew better than to ever take advantage of the situation, or passing on any news he hadn't triple-checked first. Breaking into ecstatic giggles of sheer relief, Willy hung up on the satisfied older man, and in his bar, the direct descendent of a cross between a capybara and a chimpanzee got carried away enough to declare, right then and there, a round for the entire house.

Only the fact that Willy was behind the drinks counter saved him from being instantly trampled under the onrushing clawed feet, paws, hooves, and tentacles possessed by the crowd of demons bellying up to the bar, with their glasses, mugs, and beakers eagerly held out to be filled to the brim.

Back at the library, a smirking Giles then called Buffy's private number, and he told the startled Slayer that since the Hellmouth was presently so quiet and this appeared to remain the same in the near future, it would be possible for the young woman to take short vacations from Sunnydale during the summer while accompanying her mother on business trips. Prudently holding away from his ear the telephone receiver, the resulting squeal of utter delight only slightly deafened Giles. Next, this man went on to assure Buffy that there'd be no problem for him to learn in time about any possible crisis on the Hellmouth, and if necessary, the out-of-town Slayer could be swiftly summoned to deal with this. A joyful Buffy took Giles at his word, and after profusely thanking her Watcher, she hung up and went to tell her mom the good news.

A month later, everyone was happy. This included Giles, Buffy, Joyce, and even Willy. This latter sleazebag still thought Miss Punch-First-And-Demand-Answers-Afterwards was out patrolling somewhere else on the Hellmouth besides his bar, as also believed by his customers and the rest of the city's demon population. Willy made sure this fortunate state of affairs continued by keeping his ear to the ground and sharing all he learned with Giles. In turn, the librarian told Willy that Buffy would continue to stay away while taking care of the rest of Sunnydale, as per their deal. Actually, Buffy hadn't bothered to visit the Alibi Room in between her trips with her mom, simply because there wasn't any real reason for this. Since things were still mostly peaceful in the city after dark, a quick patrol by the Slayer usually took care of any minor stuff before going off on another trip.

It must be admitted that Giles was becoming a bit intrigued over how much longer he'd get away with it. But then, that was part of the fun. In any event, sooner or later Buffy would learn all about her Watcher's little scheme, and it was an absolute certainty she'd properly take him to task over this. No doubt she'd be as adorable as ever while yelling at an unruffled Rupert Giles. With any luck, he'd manage to achieve a record pout from his Slayer, all while calmly polishing his glasses and at the same time pointing out he merely wanted to give Buffy a nice vacation. At the most, Giles estimated it'd take perhaps five seconds for his daughter-in-heart to then feel horribly guilty.

* * *

In his library chair, Ripper sniggered to himself. It was truly amazing how flat-out entertaining it could be to manipulate a teenager, which was one of the few perks of adulthood. Picking up his pen as he continued to chuckle evilly, Giles was about to return to his writing when the desk phone rang, and it was answered by, "Rupert Giles."

"Hey, G-man!"

Alone in the library, Giles allowed a rare, wide smile to form, completely different from the resigned voice that said, "Really, Xander, _must_ you?"

"I must, oh master of tweed," happily declared another teenager far away on his road trip. "How's things back home?"

"Still quiet, I'm very glad to say." Absently, Giles then rapped his knuckles against the wooden top of his desk.

"Great," approvingly noted Xander, who went on in a more serious tone. "You know if that changes, you call me right away, okay? I should be able to get back in a day, no matter where I end up, 'cause there's always some kind of airport nearby."

Giles smiled again, this time in actual pride. However, his next statement was delivered in the man's usual calm manner, "Quite right. Fortunately, this doesn't seem necessary at the moment, so you should be able to continued your road trip. By the way, where are you now?"

"Utah, at the foot of the Rocky Mountains. I'm at a rest stop with those big hills ahead of me looking near enough to touch, a beautiful creek at my feet, lots of tall trees around - in short everything that'd make Buffy flee in terror and hide in the nearest mall." Xander cackled briefly, to then cheerfully ask, "So, have you heard from the girls?"

Relaxing in his chair, Giles responded, "Buffy and her mother will be back tomorrow, with a reported success in acquiring, I quote, 'an absolutely darling set of Bauer ring dinnerware', whatever that is. Willow received her very own t-shirt from the band having the words 'No. 1 Roadie' on this. And, er…I haven't heard from Cordelia since she left for Los Angeles." A saddened look briefly crossed Giles' face as he delivered that last sentence.

"Me, either," glumly commented Xander, with him falling silent after saying that. As an increasingly awkward pause grew longer between the two males, Giles frantically tried to think of something to change the subject.

Luckily, the Briton had some fine news at hand that his listener would want to know. "Xander, I've completed every bit of the paperwork for your college admission forms and the apartment rental near UCS. All the fees and other bills were paid from your account. The only thing that needs to be done now is for you to sign everything and return them to the proper recipients. Where do you want me to send them?"

"Umm…" Xander thought aloud, before coming to a decision. "I should be in Denver by the end of the week. Ship the stuff by general delivery to the main post office there, and I'll pick them up. Thanks for everything, Giles!"

"It was my pleasure," Giles said happily. Clearing his throat, the Englishman continued in an approving tone, "May I say once again, I consider your recent actions to be quite mature, using your entire windfall to pay for your further education."

On the phone, Xander made suitably modest noises over what the entire Scooby Gang now knew. How their friend decided to start his road trip by traveling in the best clunker he could afford, only for his car engine to completely disintegrate at the Las Vegas city limits. Too embarrassed to tell anyone back at Sunnydale about this, Xander had spent the next couple of weeks working as a casino busboy in order to pay off his repair bill. Finally back on the road and just about to put Vegas in his rear-view mirror, the teenager made a last-minute stop for gas and Twinkies. Deciding to blow the last of his change, Xander played the gas station's slot machine. And he'd _won._

Oh, not a retire-for-life jackpot, but it had been a nice chunk of change. More than enough for Xander to pay for a full four years of college _and_ rent a decent, if small, place of his own, to boot. Simply getting out of his parents' house forever would've ordinarily thrilled Xander beyond belief, but when added to this the means of being with his friends when they also attended college…mere words couldn't begin to describe his happiness.

For the next few minutes, Xander and Giles chatted further over various minor matters, until the younger man promised to call again soon, thanked the librarian again for all he'd done, and the conversation between the two now ended. Putting his cell phone back in his pocket, Xander got up from the picnic table where he'd been sitting, gave one last admiring look at the magnificent scenery he was about to visit, and ambled back to his car. Unlike his former (and absolutely crummy) means of transportation which had been left behind in Las Vegas, _this_ vehicle was a spanking new, cherry-red Jeep with all the bells and whistles any American male with a driver's license could possibly lust after.

Halting in his tracks to smirk at his bitchin' wheels, Xander said out loud a bit regretfully, "I'm kinda sorry for lying to you and the rest of the Scoobies, G-man, but when I changed into Triplicate Girl just before I left, no power on earth was gonna make me tell anybody about it."

Not when, during closely investigating his latest manifestation of the random Chaos magic that had been plaguing Xander ever since that Halloween long ago, the three bodies of Luornu Durgo together flawlessly performed a Sunnydale High cheerleader routine from memory alone while inside the basement of his parents' home. A trio of identically awe-struck expressions were then shared by one individual in their triple forms, as Xander instantly recollected a good many other physical performances from such films as _Flashdance, Showgirls,_ and _Fear City._ There was now joy in Sunnydale when Xander found that she, she, and she could indeed perfectly imitate those other silver screen terpsichorean ecdysiasts.

A quick visit to Willy's Alibi Room resulted in the acquisition of three sets of picture perfect identity documents for Sandi, Mandy, and Anndee Harris, all paid for with every last cent of cousin Xander's money. As long as he got his cut, Willy would keep his mouth shut forever about the whole thing. Besides any personal spark of curiosity by the barkeep regarding the entire odd situation was quickly extinguished by a knife held to his throat and a chilling whisper into his ear that while Buffy would only beat him up, this Slayer's friend had no problem at all in _killing_ him, if necessary. Was he gonna make it necessary?

At that point, an utterly terrified Willy nearly fractured his neck by frantically shaking it 'NO!'

Satisfied, Xander had left for Las Vegas, his friends' fond goodbyes and best wishes for a great road trip ringing in his ears. Once he'd arrived at Sin City, the teenager found a nice, private spot, and five minutes later, three young (but still legal) ladies auditioned at the finest strip club in town. They'd been hired on the spot, naturally. Even for Vegas, you didn't often see something so hot as identical triplet sisters spectacularly performing a couple of the sexiest routines ever presented on the stage.

Xander wasn't bothered at all by the nightly disrobing down to complete nudity. _He_ wasn't doing it, see. It was _them,_ those lovely girls, who were raking in the cash, and whom also could've gotten even more if they were prepared to expand their horizons whenever they were asked by a truly incredible number of people, both men and women. Xander, or rather any of the trio so solicited, politely turned everyone down, no matter how hard it got sometimes. It helped that the Sunnydale native couldn't be sure when the Chaos magic would wear off. It'd already lasted longer than any other occasion, and he could easily change back and forth at will from a guy to three girls, and vice versa.

Thankfully, Xander was in his luxurious hotel room a couple of weeks later when the good times finally ended, instead of being in the middle of a performance. As planned, he called in his (or their, if you prefer) resignation, brought a new car, left town before anyone got suspicious, and happily informed his Sunnydale friends of his totally fictitious lucky break and what he now wanted to do with his money.

Breathing in with satisfaction the fresh Utah mountain air, Xander got into his Jeep, started the vehicle, and as he pulled out of the roadside rest stop, a stray thought again entered his mind. It was a weird question that had been bugging him on and off, ever since becoming Triplicate Girl:

When a trio of hot young identical women possessing one personality has a threesome, does that count as incest, or just masturbation?


	17. You Can Take The Boy Out of Sunnydale…

Early one morning, while leaning upon the railing of the scenic overlook, Xander Harris admired the majestic panorama of the Tennessee Pass on Route 24 in the Rocky Mountains, with these peaks looming all around the only person presently at the viewpoint. Ignoring the thin air of his stop, which was over two miles in altitude, the young man continued to enjoy how his road trip had brought him all the way here from California. Eventually, a protesting grumble from his stomach reminded Xander that he should get back into his Jeep and find a place to eat in the Colorado town that had to be just ahead down the road, judging by the city limits sign a hundred feet back from the place where he'd pulled over.

Standing upright and beginning to turn around, Xander froze in mid-spin, right foot held a couple of inches off the ground, as an all-too-familiar shimmer of white light appeared over his body. With a strong feeling of dread, Xander put down his foot while hastily glancing at the front of his newest form, only to breathe a sigh of pure relief at seeing _this_ time, he was a guy. With serious muscles, too. *Okay, red costume and blue cape. Who dressed like that in the Legion of Super-Heroes- It can't be him!*

A wild look of delight appearing on his changed features, the young man in his latest manifestation of a DC Comics character dashed over to his car, where he admired his reflection in the passenger's side window. Cackling with glee, Xander whooped, "Hot damn! Mon-El himself!"

He'd been through this often enough so that Xander wasn't too freaked out at seeing a wide grin on a totally different face that beamed back at him from the window glass. Striking a heroic pose just for the sheer hell of it, Xander mused out loud, "The guy who was a match for Superboy, having all the superpowers but without any weakness to kryptonite! Any kind of that glowing stuff - green, red, blue, gold, silver, jewel, chartreuse, good ol' Mon-El could toss this into the general direction of Pluto without feeling the teensiest twinge!"

Tilting his head while he continued to study his reflection, Xander watched a faint frown of concern appear on the handsome countenance there, as the Sunnydale native realized from how the Chaos magic from Halloween possessing him was feeling, it was going to be one of his shortest manifestations, not much more than another minute or so, if that.

"What a waste," grumbled Xander. "It would've been really nice to fly back to my hometown a thousand miles away in just a couple of seconds and then wipe out every hostile demon there. Especially since I don't think that magic affected Mon-El, unlike Superboy." His brow wrinkling in thought, Xander continued to speak to himself. "Or, did it? I'm not really sure, so okay, maybe it wouldn't be such a good idea to go up against anyone with serious mojo back at the Hellmouth." Looking unseeingly off into the splendid scenery, the man dressed in the colorful costume mused, "Say, what was my - his - weakness, anyway?"

After a few more moments of unsuccessful recollection, Xander shook himself, as he became conscious that he was wasting valuable time. "Okay, no flying - dammit! - 'cause you might switch back in mid-air. How about superstrength? I think I can hit the mountain a dozen miles across this valley-"

Grinning in glee at the prospect of using his new powers, Xander bent down to pick up a small rock, and turning to eye the peak he'd just selected as his target, the young man brought back his arm and then Mon-El threw the rock with all the force he could manage with his muscles.

It was pretty impressive how far the stone went, maybe a hundred feet away, until it plunged down out of sight into the valley below. Staring in disbelief at his failed attempt, Xander also immediately felt an agonized complaint from his overstressed right arm and shoulder, yelping in pain as he grabbed at this aching limb.

Bewilderedly rubbing his arm, Xander warily eyed the ground at this feet for another rock, to then bend down and pick up with his left hand an example of this minor geological feature the same size and weight of the last one. Examining this closely, the young man found nothing strange about the stone, until he clenched his fingers around the small piece of granite, expecting to reduce it to dust at once.

Nothing happened. Grimacing as he increased the pressure of his left hand, Xander at last admitted defeat while wincing at the resulting soreness of his fingers when he grudgingly let go of the stone, which dropped to the ground and bounced away, totally intact.

Xander frantically tried everything else, to no avail. Superspeed, heat and x-ray vision, even flying (despite what he'd said earlier) - none of those worked, either.

In the middle of his final attempt at getting further than a few inches off the ground than hopping up and down took him, Xander had the accustomed shimmer of white light cover his form and then vanish. He irritably glanced over at his car to see there in the window reflection his usual face and body, with the latter dressed in everyday jeans, boots, and a 'Dingoes Ate My Baby' t-shirt.

For the next couple of minutes, Xander turned the air blue with an uninterrupted streak of profanity. Stomping around in a circle while cussing, Xander balefully eyed everything in his vicinity, until his gaze lit upon his car, whereupon he stalked forward to give the right rear tire of his Jeep a good kick. Finally getting himself under control, the young man gritted to himself, "That shouldn't have happened!"

Pausing as he thought it over, Xander had to agree with what he'd just said. Scratching his head in puzzlement, the high-school graduate on his road trip muttered, "Every other time when the Chaos magic I got by accident at Ethan's the day after Halloween manifested itself, even if my powers were wonky or less than what any member of the Legion of Super-Heroes really had, I could still use them or feel them there! So, why not this time?"

Beginning to pace back and forth, the worried survivor of a lifetime spent on the Boca del Infierno tried to think it through. "Could the Chaos magic in me be wearing off? Nah, it felt the same like always. So, what else? Maybe Mon-El couldn't use his powers because his vulnerability to lead prevented this? Oh, yeah, _that's _what his weakness was - but it doesn't make sense, either! It's not like anybody was shooting at me with lead bullets or whatever when I was trying to use his pow-"

Coming to a dead halt in everything - his monologue, his pacing, his very train of thought - Xander stood there utterly motionless for a full minute, his eyes squeezed shut in absolute exasperation. At last re-opening his eyelids, which revealed a truly evil glower, the young man moved again, this time stalking away from his car down the road to the street sign placed a hundred feet away at the side of Route 24 Going around to stand in front of the sign, Xander kept his glance lowered until he got his incensed breathing under control. Finally, the recipient of Ethan Rayne's last joke upon the town of Sunnydale looked up to read what was on the city limits sign:

WELCOME TO LEADVILLE, CO.

ALT. 10,152 FT.

Ignoring the merest speck of organic flesh in their midst, the imposing mountains paid no attention to the furious shouts ringing throughout the pass: "Are you having fun? Yes, you are, you Chaos magic little bastard! I'm telling you, it doesn't matter where you hide in me, one of these days I'm gonna get my hands on you! All I need from you for the rest of my road trip is for you to start saying 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet?' AAARRRGGGGHHHH!"


	18. Truth, Justice, and Twinkies

"And our next contestant is…Zander? Did I get that right? Okay, here's Zander Harris!"

Mild applause from one or two members from the audience started the instant the young man walked onto the stage from out of the left wing of this theater. The applause didn't stop; instead, it began to increase, as more and more people started paying attention, including elbowing their neighbors in their seats to look at the stage. None of those abruptly-nudged people seemed to mind, as these individuals joined in the enthusiastic clapping, even contributing shouts of approval, as the latest contestant came to a stop in the middle of the stage. Striking a heroic pose which involved standing in a one-piece blue costume with arms akimbo and fists resting upon his hips in the red trunks, the young man's cape of the same scarlet color swept against the rear tops of equally-red boots.

It looked like they had a sure winner here in the Superboy Masquerade (Teenage Division) at Metropolis, Illinois. Held during the Superman Celebration in that small town in the upper Midwest which honored this DC Comics character in all forms every year, so far there'd been a couple of other Superboys before the current one on stage, but this guy was clearly the best. The costume was magnificent, done in flawless detail and indisputably from the finest materials possible. Just getting the perfect look of polished sleekness must have taken infinite pains. Even the cut of the crotch bulge managed to keep things decent enough for the comic pages themselves.

What really swept all the other competitors off the board was this entrant's face and body. He had a sublime swimmer's trim build, with smooth muscles rippling under the blue/gold/scarlet costume, giving the impression of great strength even upon the cusp of full adulthood. All the eyes of the audience (particularly the female members of every age) swept up from booted toe to dapper neckline, failing to find any flaws whatsoever.

Yes, that included the crotch, too.

However, it was the face that impressed everyone the most. He could've been Superboy's twin brother. The resemblance was that close, down to the forehead spit curl. Excited whispers and debates began drifting throughout the audience, as they argued over what period to place him in, along with the artist of that time which had best drawn this character. "Silver Age, it has to be!…I'm thinking pre-sixties…Curt Swan? Nah, Al Plastino, maybe…"

All at once, everyone stilled, as the guy on the stage, who'd remained totally immobile now raised a hand, first finger extended in a clear call for the audience's attention. There was a total hush in the arena, all there watching in curiosity, when the guy turned with the smoothness of an athlete, cape flowing along while revealing a superb butt in walking off. Actual sighs of regretful appreciation came from many there, of either sex, since the audience thought it was now over.

Then again, the contestant, after reaching the wing where he'd first entered the stage, only reached out to pick up something placed there, and then he turned back to head once more to the middle of the theater area. Facing the puzzled audience, this time holding horizontally in his arms a cloth roll composed of a blue material, the Superboy shifted his grip to the upper edge of the fabric cylinder, and after clutching this tightly in his fingers, a flick of his wrists unrolled the tube to the floor of the stage.

An immense roar of laughter swept throughout the entire theater, as all there saw a grinning Superboy holding in front of himself a large blue beach towel having a red trim along the edges, with a golden irregular pentagon having a capital 'S' in the center of this towel. It was clearly one of the souvenirs on sale during the Superman Celebration, and the audience had to give him points for using it as part of his presentation.

Yet, as this cheerful Superboy simply stood there, the amusement died out into mere chuckles, and then expectant silence as the audience sensed there was something more to come. Turning his head back and forth in a slow glance on both sides of himself, the Boy of Steel lifted the upper edge of the towel to just under his bottom lip, and then he abruptly smiled as widely as possible, revealing rows of gleaming teeth. They weren't just gleaming; afterwards, several members of the audience swore they actually saw a glint of light bounce off a tooth.

Not that anyone had time to really think about this, considering what happened next. With another flick of his wrists, Superboy tossed up the towel's edge so that it rose to just over his head, making him totally hidden for the mere fraction of the second it took for the entire towel to fall to the stage floor and reveal standing there…Clark Kent.

The entire audience surged to their feet, roaring at the tops of their lungs and beating their hands together at this outstanding example of what could be nothing but a quick-change magic trick, as they gazed at a perfect example of a sheepish, rather gawky teenager wearing plain black glasses and the clothing of a normal high-school student from the Midwest back in the 1950's. Pushing back his glasses with a fingertip pressed against the center of these frames, Clark gave a self-conscious smile to them all, clumsily bent down to pick up the towel, and while struggling in holding the fabric under one arm, he walked off the stage, awkwardly waving goodbye with his free hand.

Waiting with masterful timing, the very last step by Clark Kent off the stage was a fake trip that sent him staggering out of sight from the audience, who responded with another immense standing ovation.

A day later, Xander Harris was driving down the Illinois highway, using a free moment during this to glance over at the passenger seat, where a very shiny and very large trophy was resting, with an actual blue ribbon pinned to this award. Turning his attention back to the road, Xander smirked to himself, *Hey, some people might think I cheated, but when you get turned by Chaos magic into a Superboy from the very beginning of the Legion of Super-Heroes era, whose only superpower this time was the ability to change into Clark Kent at superspeed, what else would any sensible guy do but just have fun with that?*

Coming to a steep hill in the road, Xander nudged the gas pedal, and as his Jeep zoomed upwards to the apex of the hill, the young man gleefully yelled, "Up, up, and awaaaaaay!"

* * *

Author's Note: Yes, there _is_ a Metropolis, Illinois, and they _do _hold a Superman Celebration there every year. However, this event ordinarily takes place at the start of June, but in this story, I pushed it further along a couple of months. Hey, I'm a fanfiction writer. I can do that.


	19. Phantom in Paradise

"_What do you mean, it's only an urban legend?_" ended Xander's horrified yelp.

Up until now, the California native's visit to Chicago had been a lot of fun. This was going to be his last stop on the young man's summer road trip, since he needed to be back in Sunnydale by next week in order to start college. So, Xander had done the usual touristy things in the Windy City: going to the top of the Sears Tower, taking in a baseball game at Wrigley Field (as usual, the Cubs lost), and scarfing down an original deep-dish pie at Pizzeria Uno. It'd all been totally great, but Xander had been saving the best for last, what he'd always wanted to do if he ever got a chance for it. And now, after driving to a certain location in the suburban/business neighborhood of Schiller Park, he'd been told right off this was impossible!

The receptionist at the front desk in the Hostess Brands office building looked a bit sympathetic, but she nevertheless firmly told the dazed young man standing before herself, "Sir, whatever you may have thought, we do _not_ allow public tours of our production facilities. So, no, you can't see how Twinkies are made."

"Can't I have just _one_ little peek?"

Five minutes later, after being escorted off the premises by a security guard, Xander slouched back to the parking lot where his Jeep was waiting for this shattered man. Ignoring the delicious smells of baking goods hanging in the air, a very despondent Scooby Gang member slumped back in his car seat, gazing blankly out the windshield, all while his lower lip quivered in the sign of actual tears appearing any second now.

At last bowing to harsh reality, Xander glumly reached out to turn the Jeep's ignition key at the exact moment when a sudden shimmer of white light lit up the interior of the vehicle. Directly after that, Xander's intangible hand went right through the steering wheel.

Abruptly sitting upright in the Jeep, the dark-haired girl in the skin-tight white costume incredulously stared down at her curvaceous body. With a quick turn of the young woman's head, Phantom Girl then checked the rear-view mirror, to see the familiar features of Tinya Wazzo looking back at this member of the Legion of Super-Heroes presently in the car. After a few more seconds, a slow, euphoric smile appeared on the girl's beautiful face, and she settled back in the car seat, getting used to once more having yet another random Chaos magic event. Okay, from the way things felt, this latest manifestation of Hellmouth weirdness to Xander Harris would last more than long enough for what he'd just made up his mind.

Until then, he might as well as pass the time by thinking about what the Summers women back home were planning for him after returning to Sunnydale. There'd been an actual note of menace in Buffy's voice when she'd laid down the law to him on the phone yesterday night.

* * *

"Quit whining about it, and just be glad we'll take care of furnishing your new apartment! Mom told me, and I completely agree with her, that if it was up to you, all that you'd get was a beanbag chair to sleep in, the largest big-screen tv ever made, Baywatch posters everywhere, and for the pièce de résistance, a wall painting of a dozen dogs playing poker!"

In his Chicago hotel bed, Xander valiantly argued, "But it's a classic! I mean, dogs playing poker - who doesn't like that?"

"Anybody whose sense of humor isn't limited to the Three Stooges and fart jokes," was the Slayer's acid rejoinder.

"Okay, okay!" grumped Xander, about to admit defeat and let two fanatical interior decorators go to work on his new place in Sunnydale. Still, the soon-to-be college student stubbornly held out on one point, as a matter of honor. "I'm not willing to budge on this, Buffster. Over the fireplace, I want my framed copy of the town paper's front page two days after our graduation. That picture of Snyder being led away in handcuffs is never gonna fail to cheer me up."

In her own bed at the Revello Drive house, Buffy sniggered loudly for several moments, until she gleefully confessed, "I've got a couple copies of the issue tucked away, myself. It's a real shame that afterwards, nobody could actually pin anything on him."

"Hey, at least the whole mess ended up with the school board finding out Snyder lied on his resume about his teaching credentials, which resulted in them firing him right away," nostalgically reminisced Xander. In a more brisk tone, the young man went on to ask his friend, "Any word about a new principal?"

Shrugging, Buffy confided into her phone, "Giles says they're still looking. Not that it matters to us anymore, since we're _all_ gonna be in college!" The Slayer was so happy about her last comment that she bounced up and down on the mattress, giggling in delight.

"You sound like how _I_ should be acting, considering what I've got planned for tomorrow," chuckled Xander.

"You're really gonna finish off your Chicago stay by going to that Hostess factory?" Buffy disbelievingly questioned him. Shaking her head in sheer incredulity at this guy's weird choices in tourist sightseeing, the blonde woman appealed to Xander, "Look, I've been checking guidebooks to where you are, and there's lots of other places you could visit: the Art Institute, Marshall Field's, Shedd Aquarium, Marshall Field's, the Navy Pier, Marshall Field's-"

Rolling his eyes, Xander then shot a look over at the hotel room's side table, where there rested several small, flat candy boxes, before exasperatedly interrupting, "I get it, I get it, Buffy! Look, I swear, I'm bringing back a whole box of Frango mints just for you, so you can just knock it off with the subtle hints!"

"Nothing can be left to chance when it comes to Frango mints," intoned Buffy, her mouth watering at the very thought of those yummy Chicago confections sold at the magnificent shop on State Street.

Laughing, Xander changed the subject, and they spent the rest of their conversation happily discussing their college plans.

* * *

With a start, Xander came awake, blinking around in his confusion. A quick check of both his surroundings and himself revealed where he was and what had just occurred to him at least several hours ago, judging by the full darkness now outside his car. That was something new. In every other transformation caused by the Chaos magic into one of the DC Comics characters from the 30th century, he'd never before fallen asleep while still in his latest body.

Looking down at Phantom Girl's form, Xander mentally filed away his recent interesting discovery that evidently taking a nap didn't make him change back to his normal self. Hey…if he went to bed as Xander, could he someday wake up as one of the Legion of Super-Heroes? Or maybe he'd already done this, and simply never noticed it while the change lasted until it wore off sometime before he woke up the next morning.

Mulling this over for a few minutes, Xander then shrugged, and he next checked the Jeep's dashboard where the instrument panel clock was faithfully glowing. Well after midnight, which was perfect timing. Xander grinned as he ghosted out of his vehicle without bothering to open the car door. Now he knew how Willow felt while walking through the walls during that weird Halloween in Sunnydale when they'd all turned into their costumes. The girl in the futuristic white outfit made another mental note to talk about this further with his bestest bud in their next phone conversation together. Wils had never said afterwards that holiday whether she'd ever experienced any recurrences of being intangible, unlike his own Soldier-Boy stuff, which had occasionally come in use since then.

Dismissing his thoughts to instead gaze at the brightly-lit target further down the street and clearly working around the clock, Xander gleefully headed towards the Hostess Brands facilities. Where, at last, he would finally behold with his very own eyes the glorious creation of _lots_ of yellow snack cakes with their creamy filling in the center.

* * *

Early the next morning, Don Powers, floor manager of the late-night shift at the Hostess bakeries, was pulling on his jacket, about to thankfully leave and head for home and his waiting bed. Behind him in their shared operations office, Jackson Sheffield, the morning floor manager, was reading the bakery report for the night. Looking up from the sheet of paper, Jackson called out, at the same time his friend and co-worker was reaching for the doorknob, "Hey, Don, how come you went a little over the standard production amount last night? It doesn't say anywhere here we had a larger than usual order size that needed to be filled."

In a very bored tone, while not bothering to look over his shoulder as he opened the door, Don replied, "There was a minor shutdown, during a problem with a conveyor. We decided to make up the lost production by shortening our coffee breaks."

"Good work, man," approvingly noted Jackson, who went on while addressing the back of the departing manager while the office door began to swing shut. "Tell your people the same from me, will you?"

A casual wave was made by Don acknowledging this just before the door fully closed. Left alone in the office, Jackson went back to reading the files as part of the start of a normal day's business, and he never thought further of what had just been said.

On the other hand, Don left the bakery with a very sour look on his features. Yeah, he'd talk to his personnel again when they all started the next shift at midnight today, if only to repeat his sternest warnings that _nobody _better ever breathe a single word about what happened last night. It couldn't hurt to swear everyone to secrecy again, emphasizing the possibility of risking the loss of steady jobs with good pay and benefits. Besides, did anyone really want their bosses to suggest they all seek clearly-needed psychiatric help?

Dolefully shaking his head over how much trouble they'd be in if the slightest rumor ever escaped, Don walked to his car. All while trying to put out of his mind the unwelcome memories of the incredibly scary five minutes that had taken place last night, starting when the ghost of a young woman dressed in a skin-tight white costume had walked through the Hostess bakery front wall.

Everyone working on the floor then had instantly fled in sheer panic as far away from this female spirit as they could possibly get, leaving behind their unattended machinery while they huddled together against the far wall. This small group of terrified men and women then proceeded to watch in utter disbelief at what the ghost next did, wandering around the whole place with a truly blissful expression upon her beautiful face.

The majority strongly wishing to be anywhere else at that moment must have then thought that the most disturbing moment of the whole eerie affair occurred when the ghost had stood there absolutely entranced, as she looked down at a conveyor belt whizzing through her intangible midsection while this rubber loop continued to carry to the ovens tonight's Twinkie production.

Personally, Don thought the really unsettling part, just before the ghost had mercifully departed by again walking through the wall, was when she came over to the cowering group of Hostess employees, and gave them all a very enthusiastic thumbs-up.


	20. If Beer Bad, Other Kind Even Worse

"Aw, c'mon! Not _now!_"

Hastily backing out of the men's restroom she'd just stepped into, the young woman with strawberry-blonde hair looked around at the back of the college bar in her growing panic. Happy noises of a crowd of UCS students occupying the main room beyond, all of them determined to have a good time no matter what, drifted from up the building corridor, which was currently deserted except for the girl in the close-fitting blue costume. Knowing this momentary privacy wouldn't last, Xander Harris, in his latest manifestation as a member of the Legion of Super-Heroes as a result of that rat-bastard Ethan's Halloween magic years ago, thankfully spotted a phone alcove at the far end of the corridor. It even had a folding noise shield across the open front, which made up Xander's mind for him at once.

Scuttling down the corridor, Xander squeezed himself into the alcove, immediately slid shut the wooden screen which had a small glass panel at head level, and sat down upon the provided seat. Taking the phone off the hook and pretending to carry on a conversation into this, the young woman crossed her legs, and she desperately tried to hold it. He would damn well wait until the last possible second, in the faint hope his current form would manage to shift back to his normal gender right away, 'cause if there was any way to avoid it, he'd really like to keep from having to use the women's restroom. The sensations coming from her bladder and whatever else was down there wrapped around that lower body organ were already weird enough.

"Please, please, please," moaned Xander in his newly-acquired higher pitched voice for the next few moments, until two things occurred. A sudden shimmer of white light appeared over Xander's presently female form, and this illumination vanished a second later, to reveal a nineteen-year-old male sitting in the phone alcove. Not for long, though. In a burst of pure speed, Xander transported himself into the proper restroom for him, hands fumbling with his jeans zipper along the way, as the door swung shut to hide in decent privacy somebody about to experience blessed relief.

Naturally, Xander wasn't even bothering to think about what else had just transpired in the phone alcove.

Feeling at peace with the entire world a minute or so later (he'd really needed to go, okay?), Xander strolled out of the back corridor into the main room of the bar, only then realizing it was dead quiet, with the entire crowd of other college students standing stock-still in front of Xander. Going on tip-toe to worriedly peer over someone's shoulder, Xander saw how Buffy was in the center of the room, a clear space around her, as that short blonde woman with a very angry face was effortlessly holding high in the air with just one dainty hand around the throat of a struggling barkeep.

A half-hour later, after the guy who'd been found to have tampered with everybody's drinks had been taken away in handcuffs by the called cops, Xander was listening to Buffy excitedly chatter as they walked back to her dorm. "It was seriously bizarro, Xan! I was in the middle of the first swallow of my beer, and it changed on my tongue right then and there! My Slayer senses caught the nasty stuff the jerk back there spiked it with, so I didn't finish it, just going right after the guy!"

"Good for you, Buffster," congratulated Xander. He added a bit virtuously, "Looks, like I had the right idea of sticking to Coke for tonight, considering I've had more than enough experience with booze in my family, anyway."

Buffy gave her friend a sympathetic glance, but before she could actually express her condolences over Xander being the son of two drunks, this young man went on to say, "Hey, before I forget, I had another one of my weird Legion episodes when I went to see a man about a horse. Didn't last all that long, luckily."

Her eyebrows rising in curiosity, Buffy asked, "Why? Which guy did you turn into this time?"

"She wasn't a guy."

For a much too sustained period, Xander glowered at where Buffy was leaning against a shop front, howling with laughter after hearing this. Finally getting herself somewhat under control, the Slayer gasped, "So, who was she, anyway?"

With a very stiff face, Xander started to dourly explain, "She's called- _I don't believe it!_"

Blinking at what she'd just been told, Buffy stared at Xander himself looking off in the distance, sheer incredulity written upon his features. Worriedly regarding her friend, Buffy then risked, "Uh, isn't that a kinda strange name for a comic book character?"

"What? _No!_" yelped Xander, his attention drawn back to a puzzled Buffy standing next to him. Sighing, the young man tried to again explain, "I was, uh, pretty busy at the time, but thinking it over, I'm sure I used her power just before I returned to my normal body, Buffy. What really made it a perfect Hellmouth moment was the fact it wound up keeping you from drinking that spiked booze!"

"I don't remember anything happening around me then that looked like comic-book stuff, Xan," doubtfully commented Buffy. "No ray guns, sound effects, guys in underwear over their clothes." Shaking her head in a firm negative, Buffy then glanced over where Xander had been a second ago, only to see an empty space there. "Xan?"

Looking around the sidewalk, Buffy found Xander was now in front of another shop and he was slowly beating his forehead against this building wall. Rolling her eyes, Buffy marched forward, and stopping behind her friend, she poked him hard with a stiff index finger against his shoulder. "Listen, mister, you start talking, or else!"

Groaning under his breath as he reluctantly turned around, Xander rubbed at his aching forehead, to then start dolefully muttering, "This has got to be the wonkiest example of Chaos magic on me yet! See, in the DC comics, Ayla Ranzz is the twin sister of Garth Ranzz, and they got the identical powers of controlling lightning, which resulted in them being called Lightning Lad and Lightning Lass-"

Folding her arms across her chest, Buffy grumbled, "Do we really need to go through the entire life story of what's-her-name, or can't you knock off the geek references and just get to the point?"

"You asked, you listen," snorted Xander, bestowing upon the unimpressed girl a very cold eye. When Buffy huffed in evident exasperation but still otherwise remained silent, Xander took this as permission to continue. "Ayla had her powers change to something else entirely different later on. The new power is the one I used, only in the most totally nutso way that wasn't anything like she could really do! I'm telling you, it's all the fault of the damn Hellmouth! That dimensional portal is probably laughing- _YEEP!_"

Buffy had caused the interruption of Xander's beginning rant by reaching out with a hand to grab his collar and yank his upper body down to her eye level, as the annoyed Slayer indicated her patience had finally run out by a hissed, "Spit it out, you idiot!"

"The girl I changed into, she had the name of Light Lass, because she could control gravity!" At Buffy's blank look, Xander hastily clarified further his opening babble. "That is, she made things super-light, like a ton of lead could weigh less than a feather!"

Still holding Xander right in front of her face, Buffy had a mystified expression appear on her beautiful features, as she objected, "But that didn't happen! I didn't feel any lighter-"

Nearly nose to nose with Buffy, Xander's weary sigh sent a puff of air across the Slayer's skin, as he sadly informed his friend, "Not _you,_ honey. I told you, this is another wacky Hellmouth special. What Ayla did was to turn all of the beer in your glass and in your mouth - and I bet she did it to every other single drop of the same kind of alcohol in the whole place - into _light_ beer."


	21. One Problem Less

Adam was not surprised at the odd event which had just taken place. Surprise was an emotion, one of many which the human/demon/robot combination no longer possessed. For the cyborg monster, there was only data, and the lack of this. The reason or cause for the sudden shimmer of white light that had appeared around the body of his opponent in the last several seconds was completely unknown to Adam, as were the further physical changes that next occurred to the entity termed Buffy Summers. Still, even though additional information was clearly necessary in order to completely understand what had occurred, this data could be gathered later, when he had eliminated this young female human once and for all.

Striding towards the crumpled form lying on the floor of the room in the Initiative complex where their battle was taking place, Adam transformed his right arm into the cyborg's main weapon, a massive machine gun. Stopping a step from the small body curled up on herself in her colorful costume, Adam pointed the muzzle of his gun at a range of a few inches directly at the blonde hair covering a seemingly-fragile skull, and he fired off into this a full clip of depleted-uranium projectiles more than capable of penetrating tank armor.

A few seconds later, Adam looked down past the smoke and dust in the air from both his weapon's discharge and the numerous ricochets that had just torn up the entire room and barely missed the cyborg himself. That latter identical action could not have possibly come to pass for Buffy Summers, yet despite actually seeing the rounds striking and then bouncing off the completely unharmed head of this girl, Adam could come to no proper conclusion about exactly why this had transpired. Unquestionably, more data was needed-

For the first time since she'd fallen to the floor, the body of Kara Zor-El stirred, now feeling _really_ angry. It was bad enough how miserable she'd already been, but then that stupid robot jerk had to go and shoot off a big gun right next to her ear! Her mild headache also from the bullets hitting her head had instantly worn off, but she was damned sick and tired of that patched-up creature who dared this! Lifting her head up, Supergirl's eyes opened to reveal the fires of Hell.

Two minutes later, after a truly impressive exhibition of superpowers which included plastering Adam all over the walls of their room, doing the same to the other hostile demons in the Initiative complex (but not Spike, alas, since that irritating demon had previously legged it), transporting the neutral and friendly demons back to their homes by superspeed, sending a savage e-mail to those authorities who should have been overseeing Maggie Walsh, slagging with her heat vision the computers containing this demented (and deceased) scientist's work, and stealing every single piece of chocolate from all the candy stores in Sunnydale, Buffy was back in her familiar bed in the Revello Drive house. There, while curled up under the covers with a heating pad on her stomach for whatever good it might do, a slim hand reached out past the cotton sheets to snag an unwrapped Hershey's bar from the immense pile of dark, sweet goodness around the young woman's bed that rose nearly to the ceiling.

As crunching noises came from the bed, elsewhere in other places around Sunnydale, several people were trying to understand just what had happened. Lying in his own bed where he'd also been moved from the underground complex by Kara's superspeed, Rupert Giles frowned in his sleep. Through their still-operating mental link, the Watcher demanded, *Buffy, what the devil was all that about? And why in heaven's name are you feeling like that? I don't remember you being injured in our battle with Adam!*

Willow's slumbering face changed into a strange mixture of total exasperation combined with strong sympathy. Shifting slightly in her college dorm bed, the redhead sent out a quick defense, *Stop shouting at her, Giles! She just needs time to get over it, so leave her alone about something _you_ and no other guy in the world have any kind of clue about! If you have to yell at somebody, start with Xan! Because, it's all _his_ fault, him and his stupid Chaos magic!*

A very bewildered Englishman then did what the grumpy Jewish girl had suggested, trying to contact the last of their company. *I didn't know you could do that, manifesting someone else into a member of the Legion of Super-Heroes! Why didn't you ever mention this, Xander?"

From where he'd been irritably dumped face down on his apartment bed (which would produce a very serious case of pillow-cheek in the morning), Xander defended himself, *It's never happened before! How could I even predict that our link-up which put us all in Buffy's body might cause my weird ability to carry over onto her? Not that it's gonna keep her from kicking my ass afterwards, anyway, when she changes back from Kara…* As he trailed off in a mournful mental tone, the sleeping body of this young man dejectedly shivered at the utter doom that was about to befall him.

Now even further at a complete loss, Giles tried to contact Buffy herself still in a superheroine's unfamiliar form, only to be instantly repelled by an immense wave of fury and loathing directed at the entire insensitive male gender. Hastily retreating on their mental plane, the Watcher then tried appealing to the only other person there who might have some hint as to this new mystery. *Willow, could you just please explain to me what's going on?*

Inwardly sighing at the mature man's absolute incomprehension, Willow at last deigned to enlighten him. *You _do_ know that Buffy turned into Supergirl tonight, right?*

*Er…yes?* cautiously answered Giles, not really seeing where this was heading.

Feeling very much like she wanted a big, heavy rock in her hand to exasperatedly throw at him, Willow snapped to Giles, *With good reason, what Buffy's going through hasn't ever been mentioned in the comics! But, other than their superpowers, Kryptonians must have the same bodily functions as humans. Both the men _and_ the women. Which happened tonight at exactly the worst time possible.*

It took a few more seconds before the penny at last dropped for Giles, who then mentally groaned, *Oh, dear Lord…*

*Yes,* Willow unkindly informed the mortified Briton. *Buffy's having super-cramps.*

* * *

Author's Note: The Kimberly-Clark corporation is an American company that was founded in 1872 and as a multi-national corporation, it continues to mainly market paper products of all kinds. One of its brands is Kotex, a feminine hygiene product line, which includes panty liners, sanitary napkins, and tampons. Kotex became well-known in the 1920s, when Kimberly-Clark placed adverts in _Good Housekeeping _magazine. This was the first time menstruation was even mentioned in any advertising campaign, however delicately. "One Problem Less" was used as the ad slogan during this period.


	22. I'll See Your Quote & Raise You Another

As the wolf-howl died away, the vampire known as Dracula (who most decidedly never spelled this backwards, nor what's more, in any kind of anagram either) flawlessly picked up his cue to pretentiously proclaim while gesturing out past the castle window before him, "Listen to them - children of the night. What music they make."

Standing stock-still in his pretentious pose as he milked the last of the unheard applause, Dracula then allowed a somewhat puzzled expression to appear upon his aristocratic features over a few minor details which had just occurred to this undead creature of the night. For one, unlike his beloved Transylvanian mountains, his supernatural castle's current location was in that inconsequential spot of California real estate known as the Sunnydale Hellmouth, itself situated in a place having a genuine scarcity of those four-legged, sharp-toothed beasts sharing a common ancestry with the canine species.

Secondly, that long, wavering cry had just come from_ behind_ the vampire. Originating in this very room, in fact.

Slowly turning around, Dracula now beheld a rather peculiar scene against the far wall. Instead of the young male peasant the vampire had tonight abducted, mind-controlled, and chained to the stone partition there, with the last done prior to a little further amusement he was contemplating that involved introducing his newest pet to complete submission, Dracula met the amused gaze of an entirely different person smirking back at him.

Cackling in a very ill-mannered fashion, that stranger also proceeded to cheerfully jangle the chains attached to his wrist shackles, and then he chortled, "I _knew_ if I did it, you were gonna say that! C'mon, put the last ridiculous touches on the whole stupid movie cliché by finishing off the next sentence: 'I never drink…'" Trailing off, the unfamiliar person clearly having no idea at all of his current peril waited with eager anticipation.

Enough of this. Drawing himself up in grim hauteur, Dracula put on a stern expression that still managed to remarkably resemble a sudden attack of constipation, as he now sent out a mental wave of absolute domination towards that unknown lout. Who, right after fully explaining himself, would then be psychically ordered to begin his night of hideous punishments by first swallowing his tongue.

Nothing happened.

Gawking at the guffawing prisoner, Dracula in due course heard from this oddly-clad man, "That's not gonna do it, Fangpuss! You might've caught Hyena and Soldier-Boy off guard the first time with your mind games, but now that they've been uploaded into a new head, they nailed shut every door and window! And even if you _do_ manage to get inside my skull anyway, those two are both so seriously pissed off that for once they're willing to work together! Hyena's done chowing down every bit of your influence that was gonna turn me into a good little Renfield, and SB's got his flamethrower lit up, along with a few hundred gallons of napalm on hand that he really, really hopes to get a chance to give you a brain enema with this!"

Dracula's eyes began to slowly glow scarlet, as his patrician ire only increased at those incomprehensible taunts. It would have normally been far beneath the vampire's notice to ever physically chastise such a base-born cur. That was what a nobleman's retainers were properly for, with the most au courant of the upper classes keeping around a dwarf torturer or two whenever somebody needed to be broken upon the rack or shoved into an Iron Maiden. However standards were dropping everywhere these days, and alas, when there weren't any minions within summoning distance, you simply had to do the job yourself.

Crouching down in an utterly menacing manner, Dracula's face shifted into a bestial mask, his lips pulling back in a vicious snarl that revealed long, pointed fangs in the vampire's mouth.

The stranger just grinned back even wider than before, showing off _his_ much more impressive canine teeth. With a casual shrug that effortlessly shattered both the chains and shackles previously holding him captive, the former prisoner freed himself in time to joyously leap right at the attacking vampire.

Several minutes later, in the ruins of the castle room, a beaten Dracula lying upon his back on the floor vainly tried to cringe away from the victor of their recent battle. With nearly every bone in his body broken, plus numerous deep claw-slashes and other wounds all over his form that severely taxed his unnatural healing powers, the defeated vampire was unable to move. It also didn't help any that Dracula's untouched opponent was kneeling on his chest while idly tapping a talon-tip against the end of this blood-drinker's nose.

"Okay," the stranger briskly started off. "Now that I've got your undivided attention, let's discuss what happens next. Me, I'm inclined to decapitate you, pour the resulting ashes into a thermos, and top it off with a gallon of holy water. Then I seal it in an all-brass box that'll last for a few thousand years in salt water, and drop this into the deepest part of the Pacific that's closest to Sunnydale." After saying this, a happy chuckle came from the conqueror of the Prince of Wallachia, whose own blood-red eyes then widened in sheer horror at listening to his likely future.

However, Dracula's dread turned into abrupt puzzlement, as his vanquisher's glee changed just as quickly into a regretful sigh. Dolefully shaking his head, a supremely savage fighter went on to glumly inform the bewildered vampire, "Sorry to say, even if I do that or something else equally painful - and trust me, I have a million of 'em - you've still got more sequels in you than Freddy, Jason, and Michael combined. Eventually, you'll show up again and be the same total pain in the ass as ever. Frankly, I just don't need the aggravation, soooo…you get the prize that's behind door number one."

Hopping off Dracula's body to land lightly on his feet, the stranger bent down to then grab the vampire by his neck and effortlessly haul him up. Held at head level and nearly nose-to-nose with his captor, a hapless Dracula stared into this ultimate predator's merciless eyes and heard from him in an unforgiving whisper, "You've got sixty seconds to disappear, along with this heap of stone. Don't _ever_ come back. 'Cause if you do, well, I'll show you for sure-"

The next couple of words that were softly breathed into Dracula's ear instantly made up this monster's mind.

A minute later, during their rush towards the ominous building where their Xander-shaped friend was being held prisoner, Buffy and Giles came to a screeching halt in their tracks, to gape at the spot where a large stone castle had just completely vanished into thin air. Only to then reveal a grinning college student strolling towards these anxious other members of the Scooby Gang, while starting to jovially say, "Hi, guys! Did you miss- UHH!"

Diving forward, Buffy had just tackled Xander, pinning him down on the ground, with a panting Giles dashing nearer to kneel next to the two struggling bodies. Keeping his plastic water bottle filled with a blessed liquid ready, the Watcher pulled out a large crucifix with his other hand, and he clapped this religious symbol hard against Xander's forehead. Judging from the younger man's abrupt yelp of pain, this had been done hard enough to leave a serious bruise there. However, Giles instantly thought of a more horrible reason for that short cry of agony, and with a heavy heart, this Englishman began to sadly intone, "Begone, foul fiend-"

"GILES, IF THIS IS YOUR IDEA OF FOREPLAY, I'M NOT INTERESTED!" roared Xander. Continuing in a lower but still gritted-teeth tone, this young man lying on his back under the weight of a Slayer perched on his stomach then snarled upwards at a dumbfounded Buffy, "I'm fine! Courtesy of the Chaos magic which turned me into yet another guy from the Legion of Super-Heroes! Now, get _off!_"

Xander still needed to fully drain Giles' holy water bottle in one swallow before these wary newcomers were finally convinced their friend was both unharmed and human in spite of everything. The very many questions soon began after that. Occasionally belching during this, Xander spoke of all which had occurred tonight to Buffy and Giles walking on both sides of him as they all headed back to Sunnydale. Beginning to wind up his tale, the younger man paused to softly snicker to himself.

"What's so funny, Xan?" Buffy asked.

"Oh, just something I said right at the end of my little chat with that asshole vamp, thanks to a very cute Summers female," grinned Xander, glancing from the corner of his eye at the expected satisfied look abruptly appearing upon Buffy's face. With perfect timing, Xander then casually commented, "Yeah, I came up with the perfect threat, all due to one very special Disney videotape that's a favorite of our little Dawnie."

Turning his head while being about to smirk at what he expected to see on Buffy's features, the betrayed expression sure to be there, Xander instead halted in mid-step. That action was in imitation of both the Slayer and her Watcher, who'd themselves stopped short and were staring in shared bewilderment at their friend. It was Buffy who managed to speak first of the pair, but from the look of mystified agreement upon the older man's face, she'd just asked what he'd also meant to inquire.

"Who's Dawnie?"

Xander gaped at the two people there regarding him in obvious incomprehension, to then worriedly declare, "Dawn! Dawn Summers! Your _sister!_"

"Oh, Dawnie!" matter-of-factly commented Buffy, in time with Giles' nod of recognition. Starting forward again, the Slayer then idly commented, "So, what exactly does that little brat have to do with you tossing off a Buffy-worthy quip?"

Standing there and looking in absolute alarm at the departing backs of his friends, Xander then had his apprehensive expression abruptly change into perfect blankness for a second. Right after that, the college student blinked, and then he jogged forwards to catch up with Buffy and Giles, his normal smirk back again on Xander's face. Chuckling, as if the last few moments had never happened, Xander triumphantly informed the other Scoobies, "Oh, it had to do with Dracula delivering that stupid quote about the 'children of the night.' Well, at the end, I got off a great line myself from all the times I baby-sat Dawn and she insisted on seeing over and over the classic Disney animated films on the tape collection at your house."

Buffy and Giles traded baffled glances past Xander gleefully strolling along in the middle of the trio. The Slayer then sent a very direct look at her Watcher, silently telling him in no uncertain terms that it was up to him to play the straight man. Lifting his eyes up to the heavens in utter exasperation, Giles at last asked with sarcastic patience the question Xander was eagerly awaiting, "Kindly share your inspiration with us, Xander, if you don't mind."

"I told Tiny-fangs what got him to run off with his cape between his legs," proudly declared Xander, "that if he ever dared to bother us again, this vamp would instantly be the one to know who's afraid of the big bad Timber Wolf."


	23. Woo Hoo, Witchy Woman

"Hi, Tara!"

After happily greeting this young woman standing on the porch beyond the open front door of his apartment, Xander swung this panel further ajar, while then stepping out of the way, keeping his mouth shut during all this.

"Hello, Xander," softly answered Tara, giving him her usual shy smile as she entered the apartment without further ado. Actually asking someone to come into your Sunnydale home was categorically not a good habit to get into, as the Scoobies well knew.

Brushing past the man, Tara walked into the small front room past the short entryway. Looking around in interest, since this was the first time she'd ever visited Xander's home, Tara saw that her host was using this area as his study. College engineering, math, and business textbooks were neatly stacked on the bookshelves, and the desk with a computer monitor on this piece of furniture was clean and bare, except for a small framed photograph of several people clustered together in a high-school library. Smiling at the camera were Xander himself and others that Tara had also met or knew about - Rupert Giles, Buffy Summers, Cordelia Chase, Daniel Osbourne, and Willow Rosenberg.

A nervous look abruptly developed upon Tara's face at seeing there the image of a certain red-haired girl appearing several years younger than their cautious get-together last night. Instantly remembering how awkwardly that had ended, Tara couldn't help but blush at being reminded of why she was here in the first place.

"Would you-"

"_Eeeep!_" yelped Tara at the unexpected voice that had come from behind her. Whirling around, Tara saw a bemused Xander standing there and trying not to smile at his guest's jumpiness, since there might be a honest reason for this. Instead, clearing his throat, the Sunnydale native tried again.

"Like I was saying, would you like something to drink, Tara? Coffee, tea, water?"

"Um, water, please," whispered Tara, casting her gaze down at the floor in order to avoid Xander's curious glance.

"Gotcha. Be right back."

Peeking upwards at the sound of departing footsteps, Tara saw the man disappear further into the apartment. Quickly striding over to the small couch at the study's far wall, Tara sat down in this, and she apprehensively let her hands fall into her lap, her fingers beginning to twist together in increasing anxiety.

A few seconds later, Xander returned while carrying a glass of ice water that was handed to Tara on the couch. Taking a few sips, Tara then absently placed the glass onto a side table, all while watching Xander sitting down in his office chair in front of the desk and spinning around to expectantly stare at the young woman, who suddenly had no idea at all how to begin. Soon enough, the silence in the room became uncomfortable, as shown by the ensuing appearance upon Tara's features of nothing other than the desperate look of a deer caught in approaching headlights. Starting to feel real pity for his nervous guest, not to mention he'd like to know what was going on, Xander kindly prompted Tara, "Uh, you said you wanted to talk to me about something important?"

Tara frantically seized upon this chance to at last express her heartbroken feelings. In a high-pitched shriek of pure despair which caused the surface of the study window to shiver in sympathy, the girl let loose with: "_I had a date last night with Willow!_"

While waiting for his ears to stop ringing, Xander gawked at the miserable young lady sitting across from him, until he hazarded, "That's…nice?"

Regarding him with eyes widening in alarm, Tara showed she'd taken this the entirely wrong way by blurting, "Oh, my, do you still have feelings for her? I had no idea - maybe I should go-"

"TARA!" roared Xander, his exasperated shout making the shamefaced girl rising up on her feet hastily plop back down on the couch. Continuing in a much quieter tone that still had real sternness in it, Xander told his guest, "I love Willow, but not like that! She's the sister I never had, her and Jesse that were the only people who ever gave a damn about me when I was growing up here. I like what I have with Wils, and she feels the same about me. Us learning that was the only good part of our total disaster in trying to get together, what with the fluke and everything."

"Ah, I've heard about that," Tara reluctantly admitted. Giving Xander an uncertain look, the Wiccan hedged, "That helped end her first relationship, with the werewolf guy, right?"

"Yeah, Oz," glumly answered Xander, who still felt guilty about this musician who hadn't deserved in any way the whole mess back then.

Swallowing uneasily, Tara nevertheless took this unexpected opportunity to outright ask someone truly important in the life of Willow Rosenberg, "How…do you feel, about her and…me? A…about what I am, what Willow might be considering now?"

In his chair, a startled Xander eyed the blushing witch for a few seconds, before carefully replying, "Uh…in this case whatever makes Wils happy also makes me happy. I like you, she likes you, and the rest of it - how far the both of you want to go - is your business, not mine." Hoping he'd been as nice as possible in telling Tara what he honestly thought, Xander felt his heart sink at seeing the stricken look which immediately appeared on his guest's face. Great, he'd somehow screwed up again, only he didn't even-

Once again, the study echoed to a forlorn wail, as Tara sobbed, "I don't know what to do next!"

Over the loud sniffling being done by the disconsolate young woman, Xander incredulously choked out, "Say that again?"

Wiping away her sudden tears, Tara gulped, "At the end of our date last night, I think I was supposed to do something, which Willow wanted me to - but I had no clue what!"

At that point, Xander let slip in his absolute bogglement, "Uh, could it be that she wanted you to, to…kiss her?"

Tara at once whimpered in her shock, "But I've never kissed another girl! Or even anyone else at all, except my mom!" At seeing Xander's unbelieving stare over hearing _this,_ Tara snapped at him, "You've met my dad and brother and cousin! Did they seem like people who'd ever let me do something like that?"

That produced an angry scowl from Xander, who indeed remembered meeting those loathsome Maclay males a couple of weeks ago when they'd shown up in Sunnydale. Managing to track down Tara, these bigoted human scum had been determined to punish the daughter who'd dared to defy them in her escape from her horrible life with these kinfolk. The Scooby Gang had in turn claimed Tara as the newest member of their own family, and they'd then sent packing those inbred morons.

"Okay, you've got a point," admitted Xander. Sheer honesty made him add, "But I can't believe you came to _me_ for dating advice! I really don't have the best record with women, Tara. Just ask the other Scoobies, and they'll enjoy telling you I was a demon magnet in high school, whose dates usually wanted to kill, eat, or sacrifice me. Sometimes all three, at the same time."

An astonished Tara stared at her rueful host, before doubtfully saying to him, "Are you serious?"

Xander sighed. "Oh, yeah. Look, I'm not trying to dodge anything, but…why didn't you go to Buffy? It would've made more sense."

A chagrined expression crossed Tara's face, as she confessed, "Uh, she kinda scares me, a little. Plus, I wasn't sure how she might react. Not that Buffy's ever been mean to me about what I am, but…well, it's one thing to be fine with it, and something else to actually get involved. Especially when she's been friends with Willow for a long time now, and probably never thought how a girl might someday like her friend that way."

Mulling that over, Xander had enough sense to suppress his sudden bitter remark about a certain Slayer having no excuse at all for possibly disliking someone else's new relationship, what with eagerly hopping into the same coffin occupied by an Irish vampire for _her_ first time. Instead, the young man started to say something else, about feeling glad that Tara trusted him enough to ask for help-

Suddenly, a shimmer of pure white light appeared around Xander's body, causing Tara to immediately scream in terror and shrink back into the couch. She sat there petrified with fear, only to hear an urgent declaration from the stranger now across from herself, "Don't be scared, Tara! Everything's okay! Just stay there, all right? I need to see who I am now…" Trailing off in her warm contralto, the albino woman glanced downwards at her snow-white dress, to then groan, "_Another_ girl?"

Gaping at the totally unfamiliar person sharing the room with her, Tara demanded, "Where's Xander? And who are you?"

"I'm right here, Tara," absently answered the stranger while gingerly touching her face, with a startled expression abruptly appearing when her fingers rubbed against the long, slender antennae rising vertically from the corners of her eyes. Hastily turning in her chair to peer into the dim reflection presented on the blank screen of the desk's computer monitor, this produced a very baffling statement muttered out loud, "So, this time it's Mysa Nal, the White Witch. Great, like I needed even more magic that's sure to amusingly backfire on me in some way if I ever use it!"

"_Xander?_"

Turning back to face Tara, the pallid female now reassuringly said, "Yeah, it's me, even though it sure doesn't look like it. Listen, here's the story: a few Halloweens back, things got really weird, even for Sunnydale…"

Soon after learning about Chaos magic and the Legion of Super-Heroes and somebody named Ethan Rayne who deserved to be slowly nibbled to death by ducks, Tara eyed the patient girl across the room. In a very worried tone, the other neophyte witch warned, "Xander, I can- Well, 'feel' is the best word I can come up with. There's a sense of really big magical power around you now. _Please_ don't try anything with it; there's too much chance of something going horribly wrong when you've never had any training-"

Interrupting the alarmed Wiccan, a transformed Xander earnestly reassured Tara, "Relax, honey, I know better. With my luck, the least little spell would transport the entire town to McDonaldland, and not even getting free fries for life there would make up for the prospect of having to be around that scary clown running the whole place."

While happy enough learning Xander wasn't going to experiment with his new powers, Tara blinked over what he'd just said. As a suddenly-curious lesbian opened her mouth to cautiously inquire about that odd dislike of clowns, she had another thought. Beginning to suspect that Xander had perhaps skipped over a few minor details in his story, Tara carefully asked, "Wait, what did you mean, when you said, _another_ girl?"

Xander sheepishly mumbled, "Uh, I've mostly changed into guys from the Legion, but there've been a few ladies: Saturn Girl, Light Lass, Phantom Girl, Trip-" Right in the middle of that last word, the woman's pale lips straightaway clamped shut, accompanied by an expression of sheer discomfiture that suggested he might have let slip something Xander would have much rather kept to himself.

Sensing this, a fascinated Tara pressed him, "Xander, is there something you'd like to tell me?"

After another long period of silence in the room while Xander wondered what to say next, he finally sighed in surrender at seeing Tara's gleefully expectant face, matching someone smugly sure they were about to learn a really embarrassing (and yet side-splitting) secret. Getting off his chair to stride across the room, Xander sat down on the couch next to Tara, and the woman in white glumly informed the other female. "Look, Tara, about this, I once made a vow having in it the words 'no power on earth.' Well, I'll come clean, but you first have to promise that you won't talk about it to anyone else. _Especially_ Wils, no matter what happens between you two."

Now very intrigued, Tara eagerly nodded, willing enough to accept this if that was what it'd take to get Xander to confess. Indeed, after seeing Tara's assent, a wicked smile was shown by someone who'd just realized he was dying to talk about it at last. "Okay, she was originally Luornu Durgo, alias Triplicate Girl, but me, I called 'em Sandi, Mandy, and Anndee Harris…"

A short while later, Tara was bent over forward on the couch, arms clutching at her aching ribs, as she shrieked helplessly with laughter. Next to her, a smirking White Witch leaned back and simply enjoyed how much his friend had enjoyed the entire hilarious story she'd just heard. Eventually, Tara gained enough control of herself to straighten up, wipe away her tears of mirth, and manage to tell Xander, "Oh, I'd have really liked to have been there at the strip club! It must've been spectacular!"

Now that the potential for danger was over, a very proud grin appeared on the White Witch's countenance, as she snickered, "Yeah, and the customers showed their appreciation every night, tossing out so many dollar bills they completely covered the stage."

In her sudden curiosity, Tara ventured, "When you said customers, were they all men?"

"Nope," Xander firmly responded. "Women too, a lot of 'em, the longer the three of me were there and word got around." At seeing Tara's surprise, Xander pointed out, "Hey, lesbians also like to see gorgeous girls in perfect shape stripping stark naked, right?"

Blushing faintly, Tara still nodded in agreement. Her face suddenly became blank and her mouth opened when a thought evidently struck her, only to guiltily freeze even before saying what she'd been about to ask. Genially guessing with perfect accuracy what Tara was too shy to come out with, Xander wryly told her, "No, dancing was all I ever did, even with the ladies. I couldn't risk changing back into the male me in the middle of whatever offer I got. Trust me, I really regretted that part, but I still stuck with it until I stopped being the girls."

An oddly-pensive expression flitted over Tara's face, as she then asked entirely out of nowhere, "Speaking of that, how much longer are you going to be…Mysa?"

Antennae quizzically lifting in surprise over that unexpected question, Xander glanced down at his female body, to again regard Tara and reply, "Not all that long, I think. Ten, fifteen minutes at the most. Why? I thought you said it was a really bad idea for me to use her magic-"

"Oh, not _that,_" briskly noted Tara, now having a slowly-growing gleam of purest mischief in her eyes, which was making Xander nervous. Going on in a purring tone, Tara informed her wary listener, "I really do like you, Xander, but please believe me that I'm not putting you down in any way, when I say I'm glad at not having to do this with you as a guy. But, given how you look now, it makes things absolutely perfect, so…"

The White Witch listened in absolute shock, as Tara Maclay took a deep breath, and she finally asked the most important question of the last few minutes: "Mysa, will you please teach me how to kiss another woman?"

*She _means_ it. So what do I do now? Turn her down? Why? It'd really hurt her feelings. Plus…it's not like it's actually cheating on anyone. She just wants to know how to do it properly. Me, I'd sure have wanted _some_ practice before having to learn on the job where the noses go and what to do about saliva and… WILL YOU STOP BEING AN IDIOT AND JUST SHOW HER?*

Starting to lecture in a professional tone, the White Witch leaned across the couch towards the eager face of Tara, all while informing the other, "First, keep your eyes open at the start, so you can see how things go. Now, pucker up. No, not so much - yeah, that'll do. Mmm…"

* * *

Much later, when Willow really needed to be cheered up one day, Xander told his friend all about it. Perfectly willing to submit to whatever that immensely powerful witch next did to him, this man instead felt his heart bursting in absolute love, when a pair of slim arms slipped around his neck in a desperate hug, followed by a low voice shakily whispering into his ear, "Thank you so much."

* * *

Author's Note: 'Woo Hoo, Witchy Woman' was written by Don Henley and Bernie Leadon of the Eagles and released in 1972 on this band's debut album. All rights belong to their proper owners.

_Raven hair and ruby lips  
Sparks fly from her finger tips  
Echoed voices in the night  
She's a restless spirit on an endless flight_

_Woo hoo, witchy woman  
See how high she flies  
Woo hoo, witchy woman  
She got the moon in her eye_

_She held me spellbound in the night  
Dancing shadows and firelight  
Crazy laughter in another room  
And she drove herself to madness with a silver spoon_

_Woo hoo, witchy woman  
See how high she flies  
Woo hoo, witchy woman  
She got the moon in her eye_

_Well, I know you want to love her  
Let me tell you, brother  
She's been sleeping  
In the Devil's bed_

_And there's some rumors going round  
Someone's underground  
She can rock you in the nighttime  
'Til your skin turns red_

_Woo hoo, witchy woman  
See how high she flies  
Woo hoo, witchy woman  
She got the moon in her eye_


	24. King Midas Was A Piker

The nubile figure writhed upon the apartment bed, beginning to achieve her desired release: "Oh, yes, oh, yes, oh, yessss, yessss, yeeeEEEESSSSS!"

From where he was dozing while lying on his side in the bedroom corner, Xander half-opened one baleful eye, directing this surpassing dirty look at where Anya was now recovering from her eighth orgasm of the morning. He'd counted them, of course. What else was there to do when you'd been hogtied and gagged with the remnants of your bedtime attire? The college student then made a mental note to go a bit lighter on the clothes washer detergent in the future. Not only was it good for the environment, there was also the minor point that the stuff tasted terrible.

Xander tried an experimental grunt past his cloth gag in the faint hope of reminding Anya that she was still sharing the room with someone who really needed a cup of coffee. The only reaction this provoked in an unmindful former vengeance demon was a blissful moan coming from the direction of the bed, along with the crinkling noises that a fed-up Xander was now all too familiar with, as Anya began to sensuously rub her entire nude body against the bedsheets in preparation for Big One No. 9.

Sagging back down on the room carpet, Xander glumly wondered if things were ever gonna improve today. So far, it'd been all straight downhill, starting when he'd been blasted into wakefulness by a deafening shriek of pure terror, accompanied by being shoved completely off the bed in a flutter of sheets. Right after hitting the floor, a barely-conscious Xander had then been assaulted by a stark-naked Anya dropping onto his chest with her knees. There was a wild look on her face below her disheveled hair, as she held to his throat their emergency stake formerly under his pillow, all while screaming at the top of her lungs: "YOU BASTARD! WHERE'S XANDER?"

For a second there, Xander had actually thought they were starting one of their more impromptu erotic role-playing games, except that there were two practical reasons why this wasn't applicable. For one, ever since the incident last month in the men's room of Sunnydale's snootiest restaurant, Anya had sincerely promised that in the future, she'd give him at least a few minutes' warning before the next time they acted out the characters of the Beautiful Hostage and the Rugged Kidnapper.

The second reason was something much more obvious. Staring upwards at their bedroom ceiling mirror, Xander saw in there the reflection of a total stranger presently pinned down under Anya's uncovered form. This mirrored someone looked completely different from that young man who last night had gone to bed with a thousand-year-old Norsewoman, even though this stranger was also wearing the identical t-shirt and sleeping boxers normally worn by Xander.

Figuring out what had happened was easy enough. The hardest part was convincing a very suspicious Anya that he'd once again been changed by Chaos magic into a member of the Legion of Super-Heroes. Pointing out that it'd all happened in the most ridiculous manner possible only partially persuaded the blonde woman. Eventually, an exasperated wave of his free hand in the direction of a shared piece of furniture then proved once and for all who was really inside the body of Jan Arrah, also known as Element Lad.

After all, only Xander Harris would've been dumb enough to transmute their entire bed (consisting of the bed frame, mattresses, sheets, comforter, and pillows) into solid gold.

Still tied up as a result of Anya's blitz attack on him before she'd hurled herself back onto the now-immensely valuable bed and started to ecstatically caress with every inch of her skin the metallic cloth of the comforter, Xander sighed. Trying to ignore how over there she was sounding a lot more satisfied than he'd ever managed with his own efforts in the past, the Sunnydale native tried to look on the bright side.

*Let's see… Well, luckily, we're on the ground floor with the concrete foundation, so the multiple-ton bed didn't collapse the entire apartment… Um. After we melt it down into ingots, I'm sure Willy from the Alibi Room will happily agree to launder through his bar every bit of our gold. He might even go lower on his cut for the whole deal after Anya gets through with him in their negotiations. She'll for sure be in the same foul mood that'll start right away when she learns I changed back to normal Xander about a minute after she tied up Element Lad, and there's no way I'll ever be able to do it again-*

"YESSSS! YESSSS! YESSSS!"

*Oh, goody. Number nine is right on schedule, barreling down the orgasms track. Wonder if she's gonna go for a full dozen?*


	25. Snacks and Porn

Uncaring of the danger - or indeed anything else - he'd taken a room at one of Sunnydale's crummiest motels, in the area of town which Xander knew quite well the local vamps referred to as Buffet Row. Still in his groom's outfit, a numb young man had walked into the front office of the squalid building, tossed a couple of twenties on the check-in counter, and simply stared blankly at the motel clerk sitting in his shabby chair inside the small cage with steel bars rising vertically from the counter to the ceiling.

A quick grab of his fingers instantly making the money vanish, the clerk in turn shoved a key and its attached tag with the room number engraved upon this through the narrow slot cut at the bottom of the protective bars. Not bothering to say anything during all this, the clerk then incuriously watched the motel's newest guest shamble out of the office. Shaking another cheap cigarette out of its box resting on the counter, the clerk continued his chain-smoking for another few minutes, building up yet another geologic layer of ashes in his lap.

Shortly after this, a thought slowly drifted through the bored mind of someone who'd managed for years to survive in one of the most hazardous jobs on the Hellmouth: *No luggage. Shit. Means when he disappears, I can't lift his stuff. Well, fuck it. Maybe Willy will pay something for me telling him about that guy. Yeah, worth a try, could score a drink or two for it. What do I care about the fucker anyway, whoever he is?*

Trudging down the stained and worn carpeting of the motel hallway, Xander found his room, fumbled open the door, and after stepping inside, he'd absently kicked it shut with the back of his heel. Barely conscious of the sheer awfulness of his surroundings, Xander staggered towards the bed. Falling forwards onto the mattress which sagged under his weight and released a stench which would've made a zombie vomit, Xander curled up on the malodorous bed while fully-clad down to his dress shoes, and he started crying.

Much later, the weeping still continued, only this time it was being done by someone else entirely different. In the pile of empty clothing now on the bed, a nude young woman sobbed while lying on the emergency Twinkie Xander always brought along with him through everything. It had been a major struggle to pull this snack cake free out of his suit pocket and then get the wrapping off, equivalent to shoving into place a pickup truck set in neutral and then removing a tarpaulin that covered the entire vehicle. Fortunately, she was far stronger for her size than anyone might've thought, so the miserable girl eventually finished her task.

Wretchedly curled up on her side on top of the small example of Hostess baked goods, a two-inch tall member of the Legion of Super-Heroes was presently doing something that Xander Harris had been dreaming about ever since he'd been affected by the Chaos magic which had over the years randomly transformed him into various DC Comics characters. Except, after leaving Anya at the altar during their wedding ceremony earlier today, the young man in his new body now simply didn't care that he was lying on an enormous Twinkie bigger in comparison to him as he was to that already-suggested pickup truck.

Rolling over to end up resting prone on the soft surface, Xander buried his tear-stained face in the yellow cake, and the miniature body of Salu Digby, known to her fellow superheroes as Shrinking Violet, resumed her heartache, fully knowing her present tiny size corresponded to Xander's dwindling self-esteem at this point. And he completely deserved this.


	26. Not The Head, But The Heart

*The most obvious thing to do would be to kill her.*

Walking up Kingman's Bluff, Xander absently grunted, "Another fictional character would've used 'logical' instead of 'obvious.'"

*I am not Spock.*

"That was Nimoy's exact title for his book, right?"

*Do we really need to go over again the fact that everything Xander Harris knows, so does Brainiac 5? And it didn't stop there,* calmly noted this 30th century native of the planet known as Colu.

The blond young man with green skin and a purple futuristic costume simply nodded in acceptance of that, since he could hardly deny the point, what with an entirely different new personality abruptly materializing inside his head. Unlike every other time, the long-ago Chaos magic had now changed him into a member of the Legion of Super-Heroes while directly experiencing the thoughts and memories of the smartest person in this group.

*More like the entire Solar System and points outward, human.*

"Ego, much?" snarked Xander, rolling his eyes.

*'It ain't bragging if you can do it.' Jay Hanna 'Dizzy' Dean, 1910-1974 CE, American League baseball pitcher.*

"Okay, if your plan is to murder Wils, then how-" Breaking off in mid-sentence, Xander was mentally bombarded during the next couple of minutes with numerous effective plans on how to take the life of Willow Rosenberg, all while using every object presently around himself, down to the small pebble a step forward on the ground that he was about to tread on.

Kicking aside this tiny stone, Xander kept on walking, while evenly saying to the guest in his mind, "No."

*You _are _aware that the chances of success concerning your own strategy are inestimable, save for a binary solution: either it'll work, or it won't? Should the latter occur, not only shall you die, but also your entire species and the rest of this planet."

Shrugging his shoulders, Xander musingly spoke out loud, "Hey, here's a quote for you, since you like them so much. 'If I had to choose between betraying my country and betraying my friend, I hope I should have the guts to betray my country.'"

*E.M. Forster, 1879-1970 CE, English writer.*

"Yeah," sighed Xander, pausing in his walk. Standing there for a few more moments to look up the hill at where his insane childhood friend was waiting for him, the Sunnydale native softly said under his breath, "Listen, mister, it's not about percentages or calculations or anything else that can be written on a blackboard. It'll all come down to one simple thing: love. Which you really do know more about than any of your buddies in the Legion might have ever guessed."

There was no reaction inside Xander's mind to what he'd just said. Ignoring this to start walking up the hill again, the young man continued speaking to empty air, "Whatever the DC writers came up with in the Crisis on Infinite Earths and the later retcons, you loved Supergirl before that, no matter what, even when knowing how it'd all end someday. Now, somebody I care for is in pain, and I'm going to help her through it, with the only thing I can use, my love for Wils and hers for me. I'm not going to do anything else, and if you don't like it, then just piss off. Got that?"

A very gentle mental message drifted through Xander's determined thoughts: *You've managed to make yourself absolutely clear. In return, I'd like to say two things. First, good luck. And here's another epigraph from Forster concerning the proper application of understanding and sympathy: 'Only connect.'*

"Thanks, Querl."

*You, too, Xander.*

Still striding forward, a sudden shimmer of white light appeared over Xander's body, leaving behind his normal human appearance. Doing one last check now that he had his usual clothes back again, the young man touched his shirt pocket, where he felt under the cloth there a small cylinder that was a yellow crayon.

Xander Harris went on in his journey to help his friend. The world could damn well look after itself.


	27. Me And My Shadow

_Me and my shadow  
Strolling down the avenue_

The beautiful young woman in the tight-fitting and very skimpy cerulean costume that was only a few shades darker than her exposed azure skin continued in her melancholy journey down the deserted corridors of Sunnydale High. Finally reaching her destination, the body of Tasmia Mallor, alias Shadow Lass, paused in the open doorway of the school's computer room. Looking sadly around for a minute or two at an empty classroom that was once the domain of Jenny Calendar, someone who'd earlier tonight had been transformed by Chaos magic into a 30th century superheroine now made the necessary gesture that activated a previously unmentioned power. A vertical, oval disk of inky blackness about eight feel tall and four feet wide promptly appeared in the classroom, and without the slightest hesitation, Xander Harris stepped through the shadow portal he'd just called up.

_Me and my shadow  
Not a soul to tell our troubles to_

It took only a single pace for Xander to be transported from the computer room to his next visit of the night. Directly behind the man in the woman's body, another shadow disk then flickered out of existence, leaving Xander standing in the school library. Also totally unoccupied save for himself, the familiar quiet surroundings with the books and furnishings throughout the whole room now seemed to actually have a sorrowful air, as if the space itself yearned to again be filled with young people and their mentor, all talking and arguing and laughing and quarreling, as the Scooby Gang once more prepared to battle against the creatures of the Hellmouth.

Xander knew better than to dismiss this sudden feeling as a mere idle fancy; far stranger things had occurred before in Sunnydale. Instead, while he drifted towards a particular point in the library, Xander bowed his head in respect until he halted in his tracks in front of the exact location where a Jamaican Slayer had fallen to the floor and perished years ago after an insane vampiress' successful attack. Crouching down, Xander gently brushed for a few moments his fingertips against the floorboards, remembering Kendra Young the best as he could during all this.

Straightening up at last, Xander again deferentially nodded once to himself, before turning away and summoning another shadow portal. After disappearing into this midnight-colored disk, which itself vanished right away after completing its intended purpose, the library was once more left to its lonely solitude.

_And when it's twelve o'clock  
We climb the stair  
We never knock  
'Cause nobody's there_

Standing in front of a large driveway gate locked and chained in place, Xander peered through the steel bars of this entranceway past the overgrown lawn having its weeds encroaching onto the private road. The vast, darkened mansion at the end of this road appeared to be hunkering down in its desolation, almost hiding in shame. There was absolutely no signs of life in what had previously been the home of the richest family in Sunnydale. Mournfully shaking his head, Xander then brushed away a tear trickling down his feminine cheek, and he quickly left the Chase house behind himself via another shadow portal that soon became one of several.

_Just me and my shadow  
All alone and feeling blue_

- Another, much smaller house on a quiet residential street that was just as deserted as the prior residence. Though, Ira and Sheila Rosenberg hadn't been around all that much in the past, either.

- A shop in Sunnydale's business district, closed and empty while awaiting a new proprietor. Tasmia's eyes were able to perfectly see in absolute gloom, so the only difficulty Xander had in reading the words on the shopfront of 'The Magic Box' came from the faded wear now present on this business sign.

- Slipping out of the shadow cast by the alley dumpster, Xander stared down this passageway at the Bronze's back entrance. As expected, but still saddening, was the unoccupied parking space, where in times of yore, a battered van usually stayed for its owners to finish their latest gig as the band 'Dingoes Ate My Baby.'

- A seedy motel where he'd once been shoved out of a certain room clad only in his underwear while clutching in his arms the rest of his clothes.

_Me and my shadow  
Strolling down the avenue_

Very unsure about this, but yet having a desperate need to finish off the night with one last visit, Xander circled the block again while trying to make up his mind if he could indeed get away with it. At least his pensive walk also allowed him to thoroughly check out the neighborhood, though this was probably one of the safest parts of Sunnydale, with the smarter vamps and other demons knowing better than to ever come anywhere near here. Stopping in front of the small house at 1630 Revello Drive, Xander cautiously eyed the illuminated lamp behind the curtains in one upper room, recognizing immediately who should be in there. However, her older sister's room was fully dark, just like the entire lower floor.

Reminding himself that he _still_ had to do this, Xander took a deep breath, and he summoned up another shadow portal while nervously muttering, "Get in, do it as fast as possible, and then get out. If Buffy catches you…"

_And when it's twelve o'clock  
We climb the stair  
We never knock  
'Cause nobody's there_

Materializing inside the kitchen of the Summers home, Xander thankfully found himself totally alone in the darkened room. Good, that meant not being instantly beaten to a pulp by a furious Slayer aggressively reacting to the invasion of her home by a complete stranger. Warily peering through the gloom, a message on a sheet of paper left out on a counter caught the eye of Shadow Lass. Reading this note hastily scribbled in someone's very familiar handwriting made Xander relax a bit, since Buffy was clearly out on patrol and only Dawn was at home upstairs.

That last thought brought Xander up short, as an immense sadness now overcame him. Looking around, he found the proper spot, and walking over to stand there by the sink, Xander closed his eyes, and he remembered from so long ago…

It'd been sometime during the first year after the Summers had moved to Sunnydale, and he'd been invited to dinner. Afterwards, Buffy had gone to the bathroom, and while enthusiastically helping with the clean-up in the kitchen, he was scrubbing an used cooking pan soaking in the sink so hard that his hair fell over his eyes. Joyce Summers standing next to him and doing the drying had unthinkingly reached out to brush back this.

Seeing from the corner of his eye an unexpected hand coming towards him, Xander automatically reacted in his hard-earned childhood instincts due to living with a brutal father, and he'd violently flinched away, sending water spraying everywhere in the kitchen, with the cooking pan clattering loose in the sink.

Both of the people then in the room had become totally immobile. A horrified Joyce was frozen, with her hand still reaching out, and Xander was hunched up in utter humiliation, his mortified gaze fixed down upon his hands dripping with soapy water. An instant later, the teenage boy was gathered up in a firm female hug.

Stiffening in shock, Xander had let his wet hands dangle at his sides, until he finally relaxed against the older woman's body, and then let his face fall against the top of her shoulder, as he began to quietly sniffle in tightly-controlled tears.

It was only when the faint sound of a toilet being flushed elsewhere in the house was heard by the pair in the kitchen that Xander gently but resolutely disentangled himself from Joyce, to then grab the kitchen towel by the sink and start thoroughly cleaning his face. This meant when a startled Buffy came into the room a second later, she straightway received a cheerful joke from her new friend about accidentally getting soap in his eyes.

Joyce then stepped in to shoo the younger people out of her kitchen, with Xander following Buffy out to the living room to wait for a promised dessert. On the way, the young man sent over his shoulder towards Joyce a parting glance of desperate gratitude for allowing him to maintain his pride throughout it all.

Years later, while once again in the same kitchen, Xander in his Shadow Lass body reflected on how neither he nor Joyce had ever discussed with each other what had taken place between themselves here. Nevertheless, they'd always had a connection of silent but shared affection throughout the rest of their time together…until Joyce had passed away, leaving behind a grieving family which included somebody who in his heart of hearts privately considered himself to be nothing less than her own son.

Feeling tears well up in his eyes, Xander wiped away the dampness there, and he murmured, "I promise, Mom. No matter what, I'll take care of Buffy and Dawn."

With an expression of intermingled sorrow and determination on the woman's face, Xander called up his last shadow portal that would take him back to his empty apartment and return to his usual gender there a few minutes from now. Giving a last look around at a place where he'd found someone to love, the young man quietly left the house, never to know a few seconds later, another and much more malevolent presence would enter the Summers dwelling.

_Just me and my shadow  
All alone and feeling blue  
All alone and feeling blue_

* * *

Author's Note: The song known as _Me And My Shadow_ was written in 1927 and is credited to Al Jolson, Billy Rose, and Dave Dreyer. All rights belong to their proper owners.


	28. A Master Of Timing

Turning in her seat at the living room table in her home to stare at the kitchen doorway where the abrupt flash of white light had just come from, Dawn called out, "Xan, what was that?"

"Noth- Nothing! Nothing at all!" was the sudden panicky answer from inside that room, as received by the young girl who'd been described by Xander Harris mere seconds ago as extraordinary, right before he'd gone into the kitchen. Well, being thought of as unusual and deserving attention due to her wonderful nature by someone she loved like a brother was really fantastic, but that wasn't now as important as the very odd voice coming from the place where Xan had to be sharing with someone else at this exact moment. Particularly since Dawn had never before in her entire life heard that particular voice.

Whoever had just said this had started off with a woman's normal high voice, to then hastily interrupt herself in mid-word as this stranger tried to continue while pitching her voice much deeper to resemble a man's proper timbre, so that it would up sounding like a really bad imitation of Xander. Puzzled, Dawn started to get up from the table, only to freeze in her tracks at a stern command from the kitchen delivered in that same pretend voice: "Dawn Marie Summers, you stay right there! There's nothing to worry about, so go back to whatever you were doing-"

Straightening up so rapidly her chair skidded backwards with a scraping noise, Dawn whirled around and strode towards the kitchen, an angry scowl on her face. She'd gone through enough of a rough day already, what with thinking herself to be a Potential, only to find out it'd been all a big mistake and it was Amanda who had the chance to become a Slayer. Now, there was some kind of weird thing happening in the kitchen, and she was going to find out what it was, or else!

As she stomped towards the kitchen doorway, the younger Summers sister then heard from there a woman's glum voice speaking to herself, "Yeah, like that was gonna work! Look, Dawn, I want to say right off, I still stand by what I said, about you being extraordinary, so please don't kill me over my Chaos magic having a little fun!"

Stopping dead in her tracks in the doorway, Dawn's mouth fell open in sheer amazement, as she gawked at the apologetic young woman there in the kitchen. Looking back with a very rueful expression on her Amerindian features, this total stranger wearing a pale yellow costume fitting close as a skin of paint on her trim figure now sighed, "What really frosts my chops about the whole stupid situation that resulted in you seeing me like this, is that I can't ever again use my favorite nickname for you, Dawnie!"

Not really paying attention to that, Joyce Summers' youngest daughter, who was poetically named after the break of day, just wordlessly stared at what now reached across the entire kitchen: the enormous, white-feathered wings growing out of the upper back of somebody who'd just turned into one of the members of the Legion of Super-Heroes which had no code name. Instead, this native of the 30th century used her real name of Dawnstar.


	29. Five By Five To The Fifth Power

Staggering back in shock, Caleb, the right-hand man of the First Evil, now stared disbelievingly at the stump of his wrist, where that specific part of his body which had just been about to gouge out the eye of Xander Harris had been vaporized an instant before. Wisps of smoke still curled off the cauterized stump, as the defrocked priest barely heard the gleeful voice coming from before him:

"That's one."

Exploding in his overwhelming rage, Caleb brought up his left hand to curl it into a fist, and he struck with this using every bit of his superhuman strength right into the unfamiliar face of the stranger who'd suddenly appeared from out of thin air to replace that blasphemous boy. Except instead of demolishing that unknown man's entire head, when Caleb's hand smashed against the features of his newfound opponent, every bone in the villain's right arm promptly shattered into dust, leaving behind only a jellied and totally useless limb.

Falling to his knees as he screamed with agony over his recent injuries, Caleb drowned out the second satisfied comment from his enemy:

"That's two."

Now barely conscious, Caleb didn't react to the hand that slid under his collar with blinding speed and which then easily hauled the 180-pound man in a casual jerk that lifted him back up onto his feet in a fraction of a second.

"That's three."

Blinking away tears of pain, Caleb stared downwards in sheer incredulity, as both his body and his captor's form began to float up from the ground.

"That's four."

Frantically lifting up his gaze to look right into the face of the man holding him prisoner, Caleb cringed back in fear at seeing the right eye abruptly glowing with an unnatural light. His utter bewilderment over the recent events wasn't alleviated by hearing the man chuckle, "Well, I guess that counts as part of number one, but for me, the really good part is that I just found out your whole big secret, that strange axe buried right there."

Before he could react to this at the unmasking of his master's plans, Caleb was then distracted at seeing his captor's face turn iron-hard, as the stranger brought up their left hand, to puzzlingly point his little finger instead of his index finger at Caleb's face. Now beginning to experience real terror, the evildoer heard the other man coldly say, "So, you like to torture and murder people, bastard? Well, you're not gonna enjoy it all that much, when number five happens to _you!_"

Desperately sprinting through the vineyard towards the suddenly cut-off screams coming from the building where Xander's group of Potentials had fled from when they'd been attacked by Caleb, Buffy and Faith had left well behind those young girls who'd found the Slayers and told them that Xander was trying to hold off someone whom he had absolutely no chance against in any kind of fight. Dashing into the building, the pair of warrior women skidded to a halt, where they stared in stunned incomprehension at what they were now witnessing.

A complete stranger dressed in a weird costume which included a design of a green beast on his chest was floating a few inches above the ground, happily skimming back and forth along the building corridor at blurring speeds several times every second. In the next instant, both Buffy and Faith flinched back when that guy shot right up to them, coming to a standstill in front of the girls with a really odd slewing stop that resembled an unicyclist hitting a patch of ice. Hastily flailing his arms to keep his balance, the man beamed at the female duo warily gazing at his left arm, which was soaked in blood from fingertip to shoulder.

Buffy was the first to speak, just managing to get out, "Wha- Who _are_ you? And where's Caleb?"

Instead of immediately replying, the unknown man cheerfully waved his right hand around the vicinity, and following this, Buffy and Faith simultaneously felt their gorges rise. The answer to the blonde woman's last question evidently seemed to be that Caleb was…all over the place.

Tearing their eyes away from the numerous body parts scattered throughout the corridor, the horrified Slayers heard a grim snicker from their companion, "Yeah, Mr. Evil Priest learned at the end that he shouldn't have gone up against Xander Harris as Ultra Boy."

"_Who?_ husked Faith, staring at the satisfied victor in his unusual costume.

"Someone from the Legion of Super-Heroes that I got changed into tonight by my Chaos magic," amiably explained Xander, who necessarily went on when he saw his friends still had no idea who he was talking about. "In the DC Comics series, Jo Nah had five different superpowers - ultra-strength, ultra-flying, ultra-invulnerability, ultra-speed, and ultra-vision. The catch was, he could use only one of his powers at one time. In my case, though, I got them _all_ - except the really Hellmouthy kicker is for tonight until a few minutes from now, I've got them on five different parts of myself."

"Uh, what?" chorused Buffy and Faith, as they continued to gape at a suddenly sheepish Xander.

"Yeah," he sighed, as the man glumly waved a hand at himself. "Flash-vision and penetra-vision in different eyes instead of both. Invulnerability only on the front of me, instead of all over. Ultra-speed in my right arm, and ultra-strength in my left little pinky." Looking down as he bobbed in the air a few inches above the ground, Xander sourly added, "I gotta say, the really dumbest part, even though it's still kinda fun, is that the only part of me that can fly is what feels like my left second toe."

Despite herself, Buffy couldn't help but actually giggle over hearing the last. She defensively said into Xander's glower and Faith's incredulous look, "Hey, it's just what the Scoobies have gotten used to from their Xander-shaped friend!"

"Yeah, yeah," groused that man in his newest body, rolling his eyes. "Just another day of being the Boca del Infierno's personal butt-monkey." Sobering up as a thought suddenly struck him, Xander earnestly told a smirking Buffy and Faith, "Girls, during it all, I found about something important tonight! Buffster, take a few steps back and pull up the floorboards. Down there, I saw with my penetra-vision the thing Caleb was trying to hide from us, some kind of mystical weapon!"

Brightening up at hearing this, the Slayers went to the proper spot indicated by Xander, and turning their backs to him while kneeling down, Faith and Buffy started eagerly ripping up wood planks from the building floor. While they were busy at this, the brunette of the pair absently spoke over her shoulder to the man watching them work, "Hey, boytoy, what's that you said, about penetra-vision? It worked like you was seein' through things, right? Like, what's it called…"

"X-ray vision," blandly replied Xander, keeping his intent gaze fixed upon a superb pair of female behinds in their skin-tight jeans.


	30. Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night

*_HE DROPPED IT!_*

Letting off the rest of his ammo into the nearest onrushing Turok-Han, Xander performed a tactical reload of his AA-12 combat shotgun so smoothly and quickly that he was firing again even before the empty drum magazine hit the cavern ground. Only the fact that he had more than enough targets currently trying their best to rip him into tiny pieces kept Xander from wasting a shot in the general direction of that…that butterfingers…_vampire_ now frantically fighting off his own opponents.

Blasting entirely through Turok-Han chests with his FRAG-12 high explosive armour-piercing rounds, both of these U.S. Army munitions were a souvenir of his and Cordy's exploit years ago when this pair of high school students had sneaked into the armory of the military base outside the Sunnydale town limits. Apparently, his then-girlfriend had never mentioned this to the rest of the Scoobies, and Xander himself had always kept quiet about what they'd done right after finding what they were looking for, something that'd hopefully take down the Judge. After all, if anybody had caught them at that point, they were already going to be in plenty of trouble over stealing a measly little rocket launcher, so why not take a few more things that could one day possibly help out the Scooby Gang?

Back then, Xander had basically loaded himself down with _lots_ of military goodies, so much that he'd barely been able to stagger out of the place.

Blowing a few more of those primordial vampires back to hell, Xander absently muttered to himself under the uproar of the battle between the First Evil's most dangerous minions and the Slayers, which besides Buffy and Faith, now included the new warrior women created by Willow's worldwide spell, "Shoulda brought the Claymores."

Damn straight. It wasn't like he'd been saving up those anti-personnel mines for Christmas gifts, anyway. This ultimate fight in the Hellmouth cavern was specifically what those weapons were created for, which a glum Xander had long ago realized, after reluctantly storing away his cherished treasures from the raid on the Army base. While he would've been overjoyed to use every single one of those lovely guns and the rest of his explosive keepsakes to help cleanse his hometown of the hostile demons infesting this California city, the sad fact was that this would have drawn a great deal of unwelcome attention to the Scooby Gang from the authorities. Even the local police force, those corrupt, lackadaisical, 'I-know-NUSSING!' cops would've finally gotten off their fat duffs due to the continuous automatic weapons fire breaking out nightly somewhere in the municipality's many graveyards.

The muzzle of his weapon tracking in sync with his sweeping gaze, Xander took out a particularly fast-moving vamp that was getting too close to Faith decapitating her own foe with one smooth swing of the Scythe (*Sheesh! That thing's a modified Lochaber axe, for crying out loud!*). Ignoring the brunette woman's startled look of thanks, Xander glanced over at where Spike had managed to defeat his adversaries and had then dropped to his knees on the stone floor in a desperate search for the magical amulet which was supposed to save all their asses, according to Buffy's big plan this Slayer had finally deigned to share with them all.

Using Soldier-Boy's reflexes to cut down the small group of Turok-Han trying to outflank them, Xander's ire started steadily increasing in time with every blast of his shotgun. Yeah, _right._ Give the most vital task AND the irreplaceable wonder weapon to the same guy who'd spent years trying to kill the entire Scooby Gang. Who after getting chipped by the Initiative, somehow always wormed his way out of trouble, despite what Xander remembered of at least a half-dozen attempts to betray or sell them out. Then, there was Spike's attempted assault upon Buffy that she'd managed to overlook, her own bright idea to turn the walking British corpse into her lover, and most mind-boggling of all, keeping him around even after he'd murdered several of the Potentials who'd come to the blonde Slayer for protection. That worked out great for them, didn't it?

Of course, Buffy always had an indignant defense concerning her necro cuddle-bunny, which mainly involved an imperious statement that never failed to make Xander gag: "He was being controlled by the First then, and he's got a soul now!"

Unknowingly having a truly savage expression upon his features, Xander destroyed two Turok-Han that were bearing down on Spike. This spiky-haired vamp didn't even notice, what with still looking for his fumbled prize. Beginning to feel his head about to explode in sheer fury, Xander snatched out from the AA-12 his latest empty magazine, and just to express to the entire universe his seriously pissed-off mood, the Sunnydale native hurled the metal disk right into the craggy face of the closest creature. Blinking in shock over that very odd act of defiance, this Turok-Han next received the first round of Xander's only remaining magazine right into its crotch.

With there now being an abruptly cleared space around the maniac with the shotgun, Xander had enough time to think some more, while also paying no heed to how his blood seemed to be boiling. So, Spike had a soul? And this meant _what?_ Plenty of human monsters through history had created immeasurable misery, all while having a soul. At least Deadboy had felt guilty about what his body had done under Angelus' control, but Spike didn't even have this excuse. Moreover, that undead English demon hadn't ever shown the slightest signs of remorse over anything from his century of torture and killing to even right now, when he was still wearing the leather coat that was his trophy of a Slayer's murder. Spike had basically kept his usual personality of 'sod you, wanker' throughout everything, flaunting his insolence while living in close quarters with people he might slaughter at any moment.

Wrathfully firing through the intangible image of Tara Maclay waving its forces into another attack, Xander broke up the First Evil's latest assault with the last of his special ammunition. Dropping his useless shotgun to the ground, the man pulled out two Glock 21 pistols loaded with .45 ACP cartridges from their holsters on his combat harness, and Xander started firing both weapons at once with amazing accuracy. Regardless of every action movie of the last couple of decades, very few people are actually capable of doing this, but Soldier-Boy just happened to be one of them.

It also helped that Xander had whiled away the last couple of years when he had a spare hour or two in modifying his pistol ammunition into explosive rounds. After delicately hollowing out the tips of his bullets and injecting a few drops of very special water into this space before sealing up the projectile again, this resulting in Xander enjoying the successful detonation of his rounds that burst apart under their impact into golf ball-sized chunks of metal after directly hitting the target. Which was usually either the left or right eye of a chosen Turok-Han, who never had the chance to survive the Scooby Gang member's holy water rounds.

Still, in the end, everybody eventually runs out of bullets, and after discarding his empty pistols, the Sunnydale man reached behind his back, and he pulled out his next-to-last-ditch weapon. Ordinarily, Xander would've used his favorite axe, but Soldier-Boy had wanted to go out in style with his own preferred chopper, and hey, that guy sure deserved a last favor. So, Xander gripped a WWII-era short entrenching tool purchased online from E-Bay, with its shovel edges sharpened to a razor keenness. Breaking away from the startled group of warrior women, who tried to hold off their own enemies while screaming at Xander to come back, the running man ignored them to sprint directly at the biggest group of Turok-Han in front of him.

Dashing past a gaping Spike still on his knees, with a last sincere "ASSHOLE!" yelled at him, Xander held onto his primitive hand weapon, while the other monsters stood ready with fang and claw to receive their next meal. Shouting and waving his shovel with one hand, nobody noticed that Xander's other hand had slipped loose to grip a pin protruding from his front fatigues pocket that lead under his shirt to something taped onto his chest. Just a few more steps, and just before jumping at those vamps, he'd pull the pin and two seconds later, it'd be, "Hello, Mr. Turok-Han, my name is four pounds of C-4! Pleased to meet you!"

However…

With a sudden shimmer of white light, Xander Harris in his suicide run changed into someone else entirely.

_That_ managed to distract everybody even while they were fighting for their lives. In some cases halting in mid-swing against demon or human, from the First Evil down, they all gawked at the sudden stranger among them, who'd also stopped dead in his tracks. Everyone watched how a figure in a close-fitting orange and red costume covering him from head to toe and wearing some kind of helmet then lifted his arms that no longer carried a shovel, examining them in clear bewilderment. Turning around to face the group of Slayers, Spike, and the First Evil, this unknown person showed these other people a blank, metallic visor or faceplate completely obscuring the features beneath this.

Which meant nobody could see how Xander was maniacally grinning at his friends and enemies. Well, the man kinda _thought_ he was doing this, but since he no longer actually had a flesh and blood body, but was instead entirely composed of sentient anti-energy held safely by his protective containment suit, Xander wasn't really able to smirk in absolute triumph over changing into the most perfect member of the Legion of Super-Heroes for this specific moment. Hey, he'd already been just about to die for those he loved, and now he could take out a _lot_ more of those monsters he'd hated with a passion ever since Jesse had been turned years ago.

Spinning around to face the horde of Turok-Han, who were now advancing towards this new foe, the stranger's faceplate snapped up, and the superhero known as Wildfire burst out from his suit into the Hellmouth cavern. An overpowering jet of pure golden energy shot from the collapsing costume, effortlessly passing through every single vampire in his path and turning them all to dust. Continuing on his journey while destroying these panicked creatures, Wildfire struck the far wall of the cavern, to then billow up and outwards while changing into an immense wall of sheer energy that spread apart to cover the entire area of the enormous underground room.

Instantly sweeping forward faster than even a vampire could move, the golden wall passed over all the fleeing Turok-Han, ignoring their immediate destruction to concentrate upon Xander's real target. Even in his newest shape, the man still retained his intelligence, but the longer Wildfire was out of his containment suit, the more his personality was beginning to dissipate into non-existence. That didn't matter the slightest to Xander, as he now imitated a tsunami of pure energy, to come crashing down directly onto the First Evil staring in shock at its doom. For that it indeed was, since this intangible representation of pure wickedness still thought nothing could harm it. Against _physical _forces, this was quite true - but Xander was now composed of equally immaterial anti-energy that met and overwhelmed the First Evil.

Ripping and tearing with every bit of force he could muster against the other dimensional entity, an elated Xander felt it crumbling in its grip, until an increasingly-injured First Evil made a desperate and ultimately successful break towards the nearest weak point in existence, the Hellmouth itself. Enraged by his captive's escape, Xander in turn tried to pursue this monster, only to be blocked by being unable to match the specific level of reality where the totally drained First Evil was now barely surviving. Whatever else, it'd take at least thousands of years for that formerly arrogant villain to recover its powers.

Still appearing as an immense cloud of golden energy, Xander 'looked' at where the awed Slayers had retreated up against the other wall of the cavern under the entry into the Sunnydale High School above. Buffy, Faith, and the rest of the girls were staring in disbelief at what had halted just a few yards away. With his thoughts beginning to fade faster and faster, Xander was comforted by the realization that his friends there had all survived, even that bastard Spike-

Shifting his attention downwards then, Xander noticed that there was just empty space at where his energy was hovering, which just happened to be the exact spot where a certain blond vampire had been in one piece until a few seconds ago.

As his mind flickered out of existence, the very last thing that went through Xander's consciousness was a gleefully sheepish: *Uh… Ooops?*

* * *

Stepping out of their stopped school bus that had barely outrun the ground collapsing after them, Buffy, Dawn, and several others silently stared at the immense dust cloud that marked the end of the city of Sunnydale a few miles behind them. The rest of the pitifully few survivors that remained on the bus either nursed their wounds or tried to bear up under their knowledge that everyone else was dead or missing.

This latter list included Xander Harris. The last they'd seen of what their friend had changed into, the incredible golden cloud, it suddenly dissolved into thin air, leaving behind only a limp and totally empty futuristic costume on the cavern floor. That had been just before the ground started to shake, forcing all the women to get out of the Hellmouth in a frantic dash up into the school and then outside to the waiting bus already filled with the injured survivors. There hadn't even been time to collect the dead, which consisted of Anya and several Slayers.

Not to mention Spike, of course.

Holding tightly onto her immobile sister, Dawn at last spoke through her tears, "Buffy, what do we do now?"

Weary beyond measure, the blonde older woman eventually opened her mouth, about to say something, only to be interrupted by something utterly unexpected.

Several yards away, in front of them all, a sudden burst of light composed of intermingled white and golden colors illuminated a patch of ground. When the glow faded away, left behind was an out-cold Xander Harris lying on his stomach, but otherwise totally unharmed. Everyone could tell this right away, due to that unconscious man also being completely naked, his bare white butt now exposed to the entire world.

Her mouth still wide open, Buffy Summers eventually managed, "First of all…we get Xan a new pair of pants."


	31. Such Stuff As Dreams Are Made On

There was a naked woman in his bed.

Okay, Xander had absolutely no idea how this had happened, but he at least had the excuse of the last twenty-four hours being the most stressful day of his whole life, what with defeating the First Evil and Sunnydale's collapse afterwards into an enormous sinkhole. There'd also been the trivial detail just before this latter event of him committing suicide by using Wildfire's anti-energy to destroy all their enemies inside the massive Hellmouth cavern. Xander had really _not_ expected to wake up anywhere else except hopefully outside Heaven's pearly gates, where he'd be promptly scolded by an angelic Joyce Summers over doing something so stupid.

Regaining consciousness while lying down on a seat in a school bus driving its plodding way towards Los Angeles was naturally a complete surprise to Xander, and it didn't stop there. Wrapping his mind around his own survival was hard enough, and it became even more difficult when the man realized the others on the bus were all the people who'd made it out of his forever-gone hometown. Among the dead left behind had been Anya, who according to a weeping Dawn, had been killed by one of the Bringers attacking the school's defenders. One more blow to the shell-shocked remnants of the Scooby Gang had been Robin Wood suddenly succumbing from his wounds.

During the ultimately unsuccessful attempt to get the high-school principal to a hospital in time, Xander had been called over to the rear of the speeding bus. There, a pale-faced Faith was gripping Robin's bloody hand. His normally dark features already turning grey, Robin managed to whisper to Xander, "Heard you took out Spike, down there. That right?"

Xander couldn't trust himself to do anything but nod.

Incredibly, Robin had managed a faint smile and a final word: "Thanks for that, from me and Mom. Wanted to tell you-" A choking cough interrupted whatever else he'd meant to say, and Faith gently lifted up the body of her lover and hugged Robin to herself, as this brave man breathed his last. Xander stumbled back to his seat, hearing Faith starting to cry behind him.

Several hours later, Xander had maintained his total numbness throughout the rest of their trip, up to when he'd finally fallen into his empty bed inside one of the hotel rooms given to the exhausted Sunnydale survivors. If Deadboy or anyone else of his little group at the Hyperion in Los Angeles had ever spoken to him since the bus and its passengers arrived, Xander didn't bother to recollect this before thankfully passing out on the bed still dressed in his borrowed, ill-fitting clothes.

Now…without being able to remember anything about it, Xander found himself standing at the foot of this piece of sleeping furniture, staring down at the supremely beautiful woman placidly sleeping in his bed, all while she wasn't wearing a single stitch of clothing. Spread out on top of the pillow she was resting her head, this unknown female's pure silver hair matched perfectly another patch of hair on-

_Whap!_

"Quit perving on Nura Nal, and PAY ATTENTION!" yelled a female voice directly into his left ear at the same time Xander got painfully whacked on the back of his skull by someone's hand.

Managing to simultaneously leap straight up a full foot in the air in his guilty panic over getting caught ogling a total stranger, while also hastily rubbing at his aching head, Xander spun around in mid-air. Landing on his socks, the man then gawked in sheer astonishment at the other woman now standing just out of arm's reach and keeping her fists planted on her hips while sardonically regarding him. He had absolutely no idea who she was, either.

Continuing to gape at his latest unexpected visitor, a bewildered Xander saw before himself a tall woman with her amused gaze meeting his at the same eye-level. Ignoring the niggling thought that those eyes somehow seemed a little familiar, the man further examined a strong, handsome face borne by someone a decade older than him, with beginning laugh-lines around the corners of her mouth matching the faint wrinkles on her brow. There were some other minor details about the woman that Xander knew he'd been far too long around the estrogen set in order to recognize these; namely, she wasn't wearing any makeup but the woman was still dressed in a comfortable and sensible but yet stylish outfit of flat shoes, good slacks, and an expensive silk blouse. Dark hair fell in loose waves to her shoulders, and-

*Wait a minute!*

Abruptly remembering exactly what this woman had said a moment before while walloping him, Xander then looked over his shoulder in total disbelief at the nude female sleeping on his bed. Only, this time he concentrated his attention upon her striking face, while he now instantly identified. Turning back to look at the expectant figure before him, Xander groaned, "That's Dream Girl of the Legion of Super-Heroes…" Trailing off at his guest's pleased nod, the man ended his doleful recognition by glumly asking, "…so, this is some kind of a dream?"

"More like a dream inside a dream, since you're both dreaming at the same time," happily corrected the woman, whose cordial tone abruptly shifted into something else, as she added in irritation, "And if you'd only changed into her right off the day after that Halloween, or even any time before now, my job would've been a lot easier!" Glowering at a very confused man who had no idea what the hell she was talking about, this stranger then sighed, and continued, "But even I had to wait until Nura showed up, however long that took, for me to be able to talk with you at last."

Alarm bells beginning to loudly ring inside his mind, Xander warily risked, "You, uh, have something to do with Janus?"

"We're good friends," cheerfully responded the woman, now really making her listener nervous. Especially when she went on in her brisk voice, "It helps that neither of us can stand my detested counterpart, or any of those other Powers. Those idiots think of nothing but their precious balance, or even worse, they seek to turn everything to their advantage in order to win for once and all. Janus and I, we far prefer to set up a level playing field, where any human can be whatever they want, do as they will with their freedom of choice - including telling us to shove it where the sun doesn't shine and going off to be more than they ever thought possible." A most merry grin from the woman accompanied that last surprising statement.

Backing up until the backs of his knees hit the front edge of the mattress, a very stunned man abruptly sat down upon his bed. Mouth hanging open in his shock, Xander then stuttered, "Who…why…what'd you mean, your counterpart?"

"Oh," nonchalantly replied the woman, "before you personally gave him the worse drubbing of his entire existence, one which he's going to spend millennia sulking about before he can do more than frighten a single cockroach, he conceitedly termed himself the First Evil."

Over the increasing roaring in his ears, Xander feebly prompted, "Which makes you…?"

The woman beamed at her favorite human, and she answered, "Call me the First Good."

* * *

A couple of minutes later, Xander Harris was actually shouting at a very patient deity: "WHY DIDN'T YOU HELP?"

"Couldn't, not openly," was delivered in the woman's very succinct reply. Seeing how that was about to make him explode again, she expanded on this to an angry Xander: "Listen, the both of us, we've got our own specific capabilities and limitations. Neither of us can directly act on the physical plane where you mortals spend your short lives, but the First Evil could still do more there than I can. Even intangible and manifesting as someone who'd previously lived, he could nevertheless talk people into his schemes. I can't even ordinarily contact humans, unless under very special circumstances, like now in the dreamscape you and Nura are maintaining."

Pausing to smirk at her dubious listener, the First Good reminded Xander, "Though, when it happens, I can exist as someone who hasn't been born yet, and actually give other people a good shot in the chops. Want me to come over there and start tickling you?"

"Ah, no thanks," gulped Xander. Cautiously eyeing the First Good giggling to herself, the Scooby Gang member suddenly became annoyed, resulting in him vehemently protesting, "What exactly was the whole _point_ with the wacky Chaos magic? Couldn't you have done more, or made it turn me full time into somebody useful and a real powerhouse, like Mon-El or Superboy? Instead of those really ridiculous instances when I changed into one of those guys, and didn't even get their full abilities! Or any!"

Tolerantly waiting for his rant to be over, the First Good pointed out, "Xander, I've told you, my powers work best when used as subtly as possible. Plus, anybody who tries to go up against them still has to deal with their sheer randomness, when anything at all might happen."

"Yeah, and it did!" burst from Xander.

Lifting an amused eyebrow, the First Good chuckled, "_Do_ try to remember how some of your changes into a Legionnaire were exactly what you needed at that point. Needed, not wanted, if you please. There's an actual difference."

Xander grumpily retorted, "And all the other times, when nothing happened or when things got really silly? What was _that_ for?"

With more than a hint of laughter in her voice, the gleeful woman answered, "I provided a million-to-one chance and gave you a million chances during it all, to boot. It's not _my_ fault that among those results, there were one or two outcomes that had an equal possibility of being downright hilarious." Pausing to start softly humming under her breath, the First Good continued her tune until Xander at last recognized she was performing Mötley Crüe's homage to strippers, the sexy song known as _Girls, Girls, Girls._

Reacting by throwing up his hands in sheer disgust, Xander then growled at his now-chortling companion, "Oh, great! I finally learn from the horse's mouth herself, that I really _am_ the universe's favorite butt-monkey!"

"I can't possibly comment on that," imperturbably remarked the First Good, all while maintaining a truly superb poker face.

"Ha, ha," sarcastically retorted Xander. The man then guardedly asked, "Hey, is that all? I mean, is it over, me turning into DC comics characters?"

Becoming a bit more serious, the woman informed him, "Yes, you no longer need the bit of Chaos magic in yourself, Xander. However, there's something else instead you can do with it, if you desire." Waving a commanding hand, the First Good directed him, "Get up and look at the bed now."

Blinking in his response while obeying anyway, Xander got up onto his feet and he glanced at the head of the bed, to immediately recoil and yelp in shock, "_Cordy?_"

As he stared at another and very familiar woman who was presently resting upon the bed, with only her pale face showing above the white sheet covering her body, Xander heard the First Good gently telling him, "This brave and strong young lady was treated in a most vile manner by those claiming to assist humanity. Now, with what you have in yourself, Xander, you can bring Cordelia Chase out of her coma with no memory of whatever torments she underwent in the past. Nobody else will ever be able to meddle with her, and she can freely chose what to do next. Make your decision, Protector of Man!"

Without even bothering to reply, Xander smoothly bent down and kissed Cordelia on her lips with all the tenderness he possessed. When their flesh pressed together, the man sensed a speck of actual, inner magic - the Chaos magic that had been part of him for so long - drift from himself into its newest host. Right after that, Xander felt Cordelia's lips stir on his mouth, and as he hastily jerked his head back, the man stared into eyes that slowly fluttered open and blearily gazed upwards at him. In a rasping whisper, Cordelia delivered a few drowsy words, before she returned to sleep in a restful dream, until waking up a few hours later in the presence of a joyful Fang Gang summoned to her hospital.

"Your kissing's improved, doofus."

* * *

Xander wandered along the hotel corridor, on his way downstairs. Just an hour ago, he'd woken up with an immense start in his bed, fully alert and remembering everything after changing back from Dream Girl. Staring into the room's darkness, Xander at last had the opportunity to fully mourn everyone he'd lost over the past few days - Anya, Robin, the Potentials. Curling up in the bed, a young man finally wept for them all.

Eventually, his grief subsided, but Xander was unable to go back to sleep. Deciding a walk might do him some good, Xander got out of the bed, still dressed in his mismatched clothing that he'd never removed, and put on his shoes (a spare pair borrowed from Giles). The man then headed out to visit the lobby of the Hyperion Hotel. The very moment he stepped onto the lower landing of the main staircase, Xander heard a muted greeting, "Hiya, Xan."

Looking around in puzzlement at what seemed to be an empty room, Xander finally located where the voice was coming from, and he walked over to one of the lobby couches. There, Faith was lying down, hands interlocked behind her head and staring blankly at the ceiling, not bothering to glance over at the man now standing there.

Worriedly examining the listless Slayer still wearing her clothes from yesterday, Xander cleared his throat and carefully asked, "Uh, didn't you get a room, Faith?"

"Yeah," barely shrugged the brunette woman, as she continued to lethargically gaze upwards. "Couldn't stand it after a while, felt the walls closin' in. After prison and B's house crammed with everybody, I really don't like small places anymore. Came down here, managed to grab some z's, until a half-hour ago, Angel got a call from some hospital with great news about Cordy-"

"I know, Faith," interrupted Xander, now becoming really concerned about his companion's total apathy.

Giving a disinterested nod, the Slayer went on in her dull tone, "Well, Fang and the rest, they took off there, and I told 'em I'd keep an eye on this place, tell the others when they came down. You're the first, so far." Once she'd finished those last words, Faith went back to staring blankly at the ceiling, no longer paying any attention to Xander, even when the man took a cautious step nearer the woman's couch, and for the first time he looked down fully into her face-

"_Urk!_"

That startled yelp did manage to momentarily distract Faith from her crushing grief and depression. Turning her head to lock gazes with the astonished man, the supine Slayer blinked at the dumbfounded expression presently on Xander's features. Frowning at him still continuing to rudely stare at her right in the eyes, Faith irritably grumbled, 'What, do I got major eye-crud there?"

That sarcastic comment was accompanied by the warrior woman giving that part of her body a good rub with her fingers. Bringing down her hands, Faith glowered at the stunned man, about to give him a large and very annoyed piece of her mind for acting like a total idiot. Instead, with growing bewilderment, the Boston-born Slayer listened to Xander beginning to carefully speak.

"Faith, uh, I really, really need to talk to you. There's a kitchen here, right? Can we go there, maybe have a cup of coffee together? Because, there's a kinda long story I think you should know, lasting from a weird Sunnydale Halloween to right now. And after that, when I tell you what I just figured out, please try not to kill me on the spot, okay?"

Her mouth falling open, the astonished young woman on the couch stared upwards into Xander's pleading face. The most likely explanation for why boytoy was acting so bonkers was for him to have gone all nuts over what she'd watched him do just a day ago, essentially committing suicide for them and then coming back to life. On the other hand, he didn't look all that crazy, just his normal, steady Xander self who did seem to really want to talk to her- Oh, the hell with it.

Impatiently getting onto her feet by the couch, Faith paused to eye Xander, who actually quailed under her glare. Shaking her head in sheer exasperation, Faith nevertheless strode off towards a door at the far lobby wall that led to the hotel's kitchen. Calling over her shoulder, Faith warned, "It better be one helluva story, boytoy, 'cause I ain't gonna settle for anythin' less this early in the mornin'."

Trailing along after the Slayer, a bemused Xander answered, "Oh, I can positively guarantee it, Faith."

Seeing his companion's accepting shrug at hearing this, the man continued to watch Faith's graceful stride, as this woman pushed open the swinging door and went through the entryway. Catching the door as it swung back, Xander now left the lobby, all while trying to come up with the best way for his body to stay intact during telling his incredulous listener about someone who called themselves the First Good and could manifest into the form of anybody who hadn't been born yet.

In this case, a handsome woman in her mid-thirties who had eyes absolutely identical to Faith Lehane, and also possessing a very close familial resemblance to Xander Harris himself…


	32. Having The Last Laugh

With one last effort, an extraordinary being scrambled over the lip of what was now termed worldwide as the Sunnydale Crater.

There were very good reasons as to why nobody was around to witness how this bizarre creature then shambled forward a few steps and then stood there totally stock-still. For one, it was the middle of the night. However, even if it'd been high noon, the Army Corps of Engineers had over the last few days banned anybody from physically visiting the gigantic sinkhole. Brought in to explain how less than a week ago an entire California city had vanished into the depths of the earth without any kind of advance warning whatsoever, this federal agency began its investigation by studying satellite photos taken of the area, along with personal observations through plane and helicopter flyovers.

Even though the new crater was beginning to fill with water seeping up from the bottom of this depression, the Corps personnel were relieved to note that the geological basin had stopped expanding, and looked to remain at its current size. Unfortunately, the inner cliffs of the crater continued to be extremely unstable. There'd already been numerous rock and earth landslides along the whole perimeter, which lead to the public engineering and construction management agency hastily prohibiting everyone against getting closer to the site, due to the sheer danger involved with approaching too near the crumbling edges of the immense hollow.

The immobile creature in its adjacent position by the rim didn't look like it recognized its deadly peril. Actually, it couldn't properly be said that this entity had _any_ kind of look or expression upon its features at all, since it didn't have a face. Or a head. Or what could be called a body, except for someone trying very hard to come up with an approximate description of this really odd organism. Nevertheless, here goes:

Think of the world's largest booger, shaped like an albino starfish, made up of a blobby white mass with five tentacle-like limbs attached to a central trunk that was presently standing on its lower pair of extremities. Assuming anybody dared to get close enough to measure and weigh that bizarre thing, they would've found out it was about fourteen inches tall and tipped the scales at twenty pounds. After that, the guy in the class-four hazmat suit who'd drawn the short straw over getting the job of actually touching the boneless blob that felt like an icky, soft clump of unbaked bread would've gone off to get as drunk as possible, all while muttering under their breath that this creature couldn't possibly be of this Earth.

And they'd have been absolutely correct.

It was an accidental freak created by purest chance, not produced nor originated nor fashioned by any god, deity, or supernatural being at all, even by one presently existing on another plane of reality while howling with laughter over such a wonderful joke upon herself. But then, Sunnydale had been _known_ for weird things. And during this demon-infested city's sudden and total destruction, which smashed and crushed and mashed together uncounted remnants of objects of all kinds that had over a century had become imbued with the magic given off by the Boca del Infierno, a single bit of intelligent life was somehow brought into existence.

This supreme example of probability gone wild now bestirred itself on the ground by the Sunnydale Crater. Slowly walking in a half-circle, the protoplasmic blob that now called itself Proty III of the Legion of Super-Pets stopped short when it finally sensed in which specific direction its newest unaware master was located. Regrettably, that place was too far away to quickly arrive there while traveling in its present form, so…how should it use its powers to take on any shape or form imaginable in order to reach whom it properly belonged to as fast as possible? Of course, unlike its precursors known as Proty I and Proty II, the third of their number _was_ now more than capable of acquiring whatever abilities of any object, being, or person it chose to change into.

Chaos magic was a wonderful thing.

The first two experiments, while rather interesting, didn't quite seem to properly fit the situation. The black-feathered duck cartwheeling and somersaulting around the place even as he maniacally whooped with utter glee was simply too slow in his progress. Changing once more, into a miniature vortex which had flailing clawed hands and feet randomly appearing out of the sides of this small tornado, also failed to cover enough terrain.

In the end, the third time was the charm, as a two-foot-tall purple roadrunner joyously leapt into the air, clicked his yellow claws together several times, and cawed a triumphant "_Meep! Meep!_" just before it hit the ground running.

A few hundred feet further on, a thunderous BOOOMMM! rocked the entire area, sending avalanches crashing downhill along the inner sides of the entire crater, all caused when during its exultant journey towards Los Angeles, the Hyperion Hotel, and Xander Harris (in exactly that order), Proty III broke the sound barrier.


End file.
